Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
The Follow Come Earpiece is a very important phone accessory. Good music, great sound quality, but there is just one problem: it gets missing easily.
Today on Interview With, Follow Come Earpiece explains what exactly is going on.
Zikoko: Hello, it’s good to have you here.
Follow Come Earpiece: Omo, you are welcome oh. Just hurry up with the interview, I have a lot of things to do, so I cannot afford to waste too much time here.
What do you mean by waste too much time?
Ahan. Is that part of the interview questions?
No, I’m just curious.
Curious about what?
Okay, let me break it down.
Oya nau, carry hammer and pieces it so I can understand.
We have interviewed a number of subjects: Crayfish, Cocaine. Even Lagos and Traffic. They were all patient and they didn’t hurry…
So what are you driving at?
I’m saying that you are the first interview subject who seems to be in a hurry.
[Slow clap]. Na wa oh. Do you know who I am?
Erm—
Because I agreed to sit down in your yeye office and answer questions, you think you can waste my time or something? My dear, go and ask about me oh. I’m a hot cake on these streets. Do you think it’s easy to be a follow come earpiece?
Let me tell you, many people are willing to give out their kidney. But when it comes to dashing someone their follow come earpiece, that is where they draw the line. In other words, I am very valuable. If you stand by the roadside and me too I stand by the roadside, there is a very high chance that I will find someone to give me a lift before anybody looks at your side.
Ha.
Deal with it.
When did you become aware of this power?
I have always known that I was quite valuable right from birth. Imagine being created by the same people that created the phone. There’s a level of power that comes with that. But then people started using me and praising my worth, and it just occurred to me one day that, “Wait oh. I be hot cake.” And that was when my shoulder pad became higher.
And let’s be fair, I work hard. I make sounds clearer, I bring out the lyrics you cannot hear if you buy an earpiece from a mallam. I give you all the beats. It’s only fair that people praise my work. It’s not easy to be who I am and do what I do.
Interesting.
You know what’s more interesting? The fact that if you steal me, they can take you to court.
Ehn?
Ask Law students nau.
Let them go and study their Law, go to Law School and come back, there is no problem. We both know that one day one day, they will represent my best interests in the court of law. Imagine being so powerful that you can feed people by giving them something to keep them busy.
But don’t you think you might be… um, a little overhyped?
It is you who will be overhyped. Mr Interviewer, this is your last warning. You say one more rubbish and I am out. I need to be stolen or get lost so I can stop working.
Wait, wait. You need to be what?
I NEED TO BE STOLEN. S-T-O-L-E-N. I need someone to steal me. What part of that do you not understand?
The whole thing.
What did you graduate with?
Shirt and trouser. It was hot, so I didn’t wear suit.
I—
How do they hire you people in this office? How were you hired? Don’t bother answering, please. Don’t kill what is left of my last brain cell. But let me explain what I mean to you. You probably won’t understand, but I’ll take it as my service to humanity.
Thank you.
See, life as a follow come ear piece is hard. Day after day, I have to stay focused. People crushing on me left and right, ears begging me to come inside them, but I cannot allow myself to be distracted. I have to stay on top of the game, you know?
Besides, Nigerians will overwork me if I give them the chance. They will use me to watch movies, play many songs, and when I am supposed to be at home resting, they will still carry me out and use me again. All because I am follow come. I no come this life to suffer, dear.
So…
I intentionally get lost. Is it not when you see me that you will use me?
Omo.
And if getting lost does not work, I seduce people. I enter their eyes so they can steal me. At least my workload can change for a while. When I get to the new place, I then figure out an escape plan. That’s how I have been living my life. I give people quality sounds for a while, and then I find a way to get lost or stolen. This is Nigeria. You better learn how to be wise or people will kill you with work.
You can imagine: someone’s phone will be stolen or lost, and instead of them to free the follow come earpiece, people will be begging them for the follow come earpeice. We will not be unfortunate, please.
Before we go, is there anything you’d like to tell your users?
I just want them to use me carefully. And if they refuse, I pray that other people will use you the way you plan to use me.
Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.
