Just Imagine is a Zikoko weekly series that takes fictional pop culture icons and reimagines them as chaotic Nigerians.
Take a superhero that controls the weather and drop her in a country that almost crumbles at the slightest sign of rain. Madness. In this episode of “Just Imagine”, I turn Storm into an Ibadan woman and throw her into the lives of average Nigerians living in Nigeria.
IBADAN, OYO STATE.
It is 7:45 a.m. and the sun is already high up. The sounds of drivers screaming and cars honking fill the air.
Two men, Kola and Gbenga, dressed in traditional Yoruba attire, walk into a compound of several flats with a microphone and speaker.
Kola speaks into the microphone.
Kola: Storm! Storm oh!
An angry, disgruntled and obviously sleep-deprived woman, STORM, opens her window in anger and screams.
Storm: Won’t you people carry your unfortunate behaviour from here? Did they swear for you? Or won’t you let someone sleep?
Gbenga: No vex. We have a party today, and we have not seen you on the field.
Storm: Which nonsense field?
Kola: I born last week. And today is the naming ceremony, and I don’t know what rain will want to do.
Storm: Didn’t your wife give birth two weeks ago?
Kola: Yes, but this time, it is her hairdresser that gave birth for me.
Storm: What?
Kola: It’s because of bumbum. Her bumbum is big, and my wife knows I don’t use big bumbum to play. Abi, Gbenga?
Gbenga: (nods seriously) Mummy Tomiwa knows.
Kola: She knows that if I see big bumbum, I can will out all my property.
Gbenga: She know. We are still at court fighting to collect the Volvo he will to Sekinah Alagbo.
Kola: Ah. I can never forget that bumbum, it want to kill me. Abi is not big?
Gbenga: (closes his eyes and nods) Ah no. Is big.
Storm: Do you now see that your generation has been cursed?
Kola: What cause insult? I need you to help me do the weather.
Storm: Look at the sky. (Storm points at the sun) Rain will not fall.
Kola: I want rain to fall please. Very well. Rain should scatter the naming ceremony.
Storm: Ehn?
Kola: The hairdresser’s husband has been looking for me since, and he can come and shoot me at this naming ceremony.
Storm: So don’t go.
Kola: I should not go to a party? Me? A Yoruba man?
Storm: (sighs)
Gbenga: Then for me, I am doing celebration of life.
Storm: Who died?
Gbenga: Nobody. I just clock 32.
Storm: Why are you celebrating your life at 32?
Gbenga: What’s your business? Just come and make sure rain don’t fall.
Storm: (sighs heavily) Give me the addresses of the parties.
Kola: Is the same place.
Storm: …
Gbenga: We are sharing canopy.
Storm: …
Kola: You will do it half half.
Storm: …
Kola: And I want thunder to strike that her husband.
Storm:
LATER THAT DAY
Somewhere else in Ibadan. A young man, Akanmu, is frowning as he stands over Storm who has her arms out towards the sky.
Akanmu: What are you still doing since morning?
Storm: Do you want rain to fall abi you don’t want rain to fall?
Akanmu: (grumbles) Just do it so my body can move!
Storm: (stops) So your body can move?
Akanmu: For intercourse!
Storm: I thought you said you wanted rain so that you can go to the farm!
Akanmu: (smiles stupidly) She likes for us to do it at the farm that’s why.
Storm: So I have been wasting my time doing this thing?
Akanmu: (angrily) AND HAS IT WORK? HAS IT WORK? HAS MY BODY MOVE?
Storm’s phone starts to ring. She picks it up.
Voice: Storm! Be coming to Lagos! There is a problem!
Storm starts to rise into the sky.
Akanmu: Where are you going! My body has not moved oh!
LEKKI LAGOS.
Storm lands in an estate in Lekki. A woman is standing on her balcony, visibly angry.
Storm: You needed help?
The woman points to the flooded street.
Woman: You see what you caused yesterday? Every time, oversabi! Now, I cannot come out of my house.
Storm: Are you mad?
Woman: Ehn?
Storm: I say are you mad? Why didn’t your chairman dig gutter for you people?
A man, dressed in a prophet’s garb, hears the noise and stretches his neck out of his window.
Prophet: That’s Storm, abi?
Storm: Who is shouting my name?
The prophet points to his destroyed window.
Prophet: Do you see how rain carried my window? You can’t tell rain to fall small small? And my DSTV dish is not there again. I’ve not seen film to watch since yesterday!
Storm: Are you not a prophet?
Prophet: And prophet don’t use to watch DSTV?
A pregnant woman comes out.
Pregnant woman: This your rain just use to make me carry belle any how.
Storm: …
Another man shouts.
Man: And Amala is now N200!
Storm: What concern Amala with this now?
Man: I don’t know! I just want to say my mind!
At that moment, a young lady screams.
Young Lady: Thief! Someone stole my bag!
Storm’s eyes start to turn white as she summons rain.
Prophet: You see! You see what I am saying. She has started again oh! You can’t catch thief without rain?
Pregnant woman: This rain must not bring traffic oh.
IBADAN
NAMING CEREMONY/CELEBRATION OF LIFE.
Gbenga, obviously happy at the clear skies, dances at the party while Kola frowns and paces.
Kola: Where is that storm woman now?
Kola’s wife: You better sit down so that when they want to shoot you, bullet can enter well.
Kola: You will let them shoot your husband? The father of your child?
Kola’s wife: (hisses) When your preek will not stay in one place. Rubbish!
Storm comes into the party and Kola runs up to her.
Kola: Since morning! Oya, do rain now!
The hairdresser’s husband walks up to Kola and punches him. A fight ensues. Storm starts to make it rain. The party descends into chaos.
MURTALA MUHAMMED INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT
As Buhari is about the fly out of the country, the weather starts to make his plane shake.
Buhari: Ban zat Storm woman! Ban ha!
LAGOS
As the prophet fixes his window. The rain detaches and destroys another window and it flies off into the wind.
Prophet: STORM! THEY POSSESS YOU?! THEY SEND YOU TO ME?!
Check back every Friday by 2pm for new stories in the Just Imagine series.
