Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
Everyone believes that Junior WAEC is an irrelevant examination. After all, you can’t use the result for anything, and whether you pass or fail, you still get promoted to SS 1.
Today on Interview With, we spoke to Junior WAEC itself, and asked it to defend its relevance.
Zikoko: Hello, welcome to Interview With.
Junior WAEC: Thank you for having me. It has always been my dream to speak on a platform like this and you people made it happen. I would first like to thank the Ministry of Education—
Zikoko: Sorry to interrupt, but where are you coming from?
Junior WAEC: What do you mean?
Zikoko: I’m asking because of the dust that keeps coming out of your body. Each time you move or speak, I am covered in dust.
Junior WAEC: Harmattan is coming. Dust is a natural phenomenon at this time of the year.
Zikoko: Interesting. Could you please introduce yourself so our readers can know you more?
Junior WAEC: I am the Basic Education Certificate Examination, also known as Junior WAEC.
Zikoko: Okay…
Junior WAEC: I am that exam you have to take at the end of JSS 3 before you can be allowed to proceed into SS 1. I am the bridge between junior secondary school and senior secondary school. You know WAEC? The exam you take at the end of secondary school? Me, I am WAEC’s junior brother. That’s why they call me Junior WAEC in the streets.
Zikoko: Okay…
Junior WAEC: Are you denying my relevance? Without me, nobody can go into secondary school! You have to pass through me and do all the practicals they ask you to do.
Zikoko: Oh, so you are the corrupt junior brother of WAEC. You should have just said that since nau.
Junior WAEC: Please, please, please, I refuse to be associated with corruption. Let us mind what we say in a public interview.
Zikoko: Junior WAEC, why the lies?
Junior WAEC: What am I lying about? I said I am not associated with corruption, why should I lie about that?
Zikoko: Okay, so why do students pay for things but are never allowed to enjoy it?
Junior WAEC: What did the students pay for that they did not enjoy?
Zikoko: Home Economics practicals. Agric practicals.
Junior WAEC: Ehn, am I now the teacher?
Zikoko: No, you are not. But if you did not exist, there would be no need for a Home Economics teacher to make students sew underskirts and aprons that they won’t take home.
Junior WAEC: It’s like you came prepared to fight me.
Zikoko: If you didn’t exist either, those poor students wouldn’t slave to cook food for practicals that they won’t be allowed to eat because the teachers are devouring it in the staff room.
Junior WAEC: Sorry to the students then. There is hunger in the land, and the teachers must eat too. Besides, this one that you brought out knife and gun to attack me. Is it that you did not go to school in Nigeria or what?
Zikoko: I don’t understand.
Junior WAEC: It is not news that Home Economics teachers usually engage in food robbery. Any practicals they ask students to do, it’s because they are hungry for that particular thing. After the practicals, they will steal both the raw ingredients and the cooked food. Who am I to change the culture that has been existing for years?
You should take it up with the relevant authorities, please. While you all are focused on the corruption happening in high places, don’t overlook the corruption happening in Home Economics labs too. Anywhere you see a Home Economics teacher, stop and ask them to show you their handbags. If you don’t see two cups of rice, one sachet of tomato paste, and one boiled egg inside it, call me a bastard.
Zikoko: Bastard.
Junior WAEC: What did you say?
Zikoko: I said bread and butter.
Junior WAEC: I thought I heard—
Zikoko: Okay, it’s fine. But after everything, you do agree that Junior WAEC result is irrelevant, yeah?
Junior WAEC: I am not irrelevant. I am the heat of ogbono and the spiciness of ata rodo. I am the burnt bottom of the jollof rice cooked at the Home Economics practicals. I am—
Zikoko: Yvonne Orji, please.
Junior WAEC:
Zikoko: I thought you were only written in Ghana and Nigeria?
Junior WAEC: Is Ghana not overseas?
Zikoko: Pfft. How many seas will you cross before getting there? Do you think we are joking here?
Junior WAEC: You started the jokes by referring to me as an irrelevant examination.
Zikoko: I apologise.
Junior WAEC: Good.
Zikoko: But each time you speak, dust flies out of your body. Is that not a sign that you crawled out of a dark place where you were dumped since you are not serving any purpose?
Junior WAEC: First of all, dust is a natural thing. Besides, I trekked here because of Bolt surge, that’s why I am dusty. Second of all, why are you blaming me for people’s recklessness? If people choose to dump their examination results in a far place, shouldn’t you blame them?
Zikoko: Maybe if you were more important in the grand scheme of certificates, then you wouldn’t be treated that way?
Junior WAEC: Listen, even if I was the most important certificate in the world, some people would still treat me anyhow. Some people are naturally blessed with the spirit of carelessness. Birth certificates are important, aren’t they?
Zikoko: They are…
Junior WAEC: Ask some people to provide theirs, and you will witness Gulder ultimate search. You, Mr Interviewer, where is your own birth certificate?
Zikoko: Let’s not deviate from the actual conversation please.
Junior WAEC: In other words, you don’t know where you kept it.
Zikoko: I never said that.
Junior WAEC: Lie to yourself, but not me. Anyway, if you ask some people to provide their Senior WAEC certificate, many of them would not be able to provide it. In fact, many would not bring theirs looking even dustier than I am looking right now.
Zikoko: Please stop comparing yourself to Senior WAEC.
Junior WAEC: You can’t tell me what to do! Me and Senior WAEC share the same parents. Just like Senior WAEC, I am made up of theory, objective and practicals. Just like Senior WAEC, external invigilators come to the schools where I am being written, and they invigilate the students. The same way students cheat during Senior WAEC is the same way they cheat during Junior WAEC. Their teachers will tell them the answers, and when the external invigilator wants to shout, they will buy Maltina and Gala and package ₦2,000 inside a brown envelope for them. So tell me, how am I different from Senior WAEC?
Zikoko: This is a lot of evidence. And it’s quite a—
Junior WAEC: But did I lie? I am tired of being treated like an irrelevant examination and a waste of money. Yes, you can’t apply for a job with your Junior WAEC result, but Common Entrance result is equally useless and I don’t see anybody making noise about it.
Zikoko: Common Entrance is not useless oh. We did not buy Ugo C. Ugo for nothing.
Junior WAEC: Ugo C. Ugo is why you are shouting?
Zikoko: If you really want to talk, name five textbooks people have to read before they pass you.
Junior WAEC: [Confused] As how? What textbooks?
Zikoko: Shebi you know how past questions, Key Points, and 3-in-1 Essential textbooks are associated with Senior WAEC?
Junior WAEC: Yes, I know.
Zikoko: Good. Which textbooks can we associate with you?
Junior WAEC: [Thinks for a full minute] Oh! You should have said that since. Let me go outside and bring the textbooks!
Zikoko: Why can’t you just mention them?
Junior WAEC: With the way you have dragged me since morning, I think it will be better if I show you physically. Wait here, I’m coming. [Goes out to get the textbooks]
Zikoko: [Locks the office door]
[Junior WAEC returns and starts banging on the door and begging to be let in.]
Zikoko: Alaye, rest.
Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.
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