Interview With Lukman, the Lagos Long Island Iced Tea

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

A few weeks back, we interviewed the Lagos Mojito, who is otherwise known as Mojisola or Moji-toto. In her interview, she spoke about her cousin, Lagos Long Island Iced Tea and the many ways Lagos bartenders have corrupted the drink. We decided to track down the Lagos Long Island Iced Tea.

Today on Interview With, the alcoholic drink tells us what it has been up to, and its experience in the hands of Lagos bartenders.

Zikoko: Hello, Lagos Long Island Iced Tea. Welcome to Interview With! 

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: Why am I here?

Zikoko: We spoke to your cousin and she—

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: Who is my cousin? I am alone in this Lagos, please. No family for Lagos.

Zikoko: Your cousin, Mojisola.

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: Who be that one?

Zikoko: Mojisola, the Lagos Mojito! 

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: Oh! You should have just called her Moji-toto! That’s the name we call her on these streets oh. That Mojito is her fancy name when Lagos restaurants want their customers to pay big money. Shebi you know that you cannot pay 5k for a drink called Mojisola. But if they call it Mojito and add plenty leaves and yellow straw, you will even add tip to the 5k.

Zikoko: Is that so?

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: Yes oh. We call her Moji-toto, Moji-Ugu, Moji-ewedu, Moji-scent leaf. It depends on the leaf they put inside her. 

Zikoko: I see. So, do you also have a special name, or is it just Moji-toto?

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: My own name is Lukman. 

Zikoko: Why Lukman?

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: Because when you pay me for me in a Lagos bar and they bring me out, I keep looking at you until you drink me.

Zikoko: Is looking your hobby?

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: Omo, no oh. But first of all, as I am sitting before you like this, I am a complete knockout. Do you want to die? Drink me. Do you want to lose control of your senses on a Friday night? Just go to a Lagos bar and ask them to bring me out. I guarantee you, by the time you sip me to the end, one of us will be carried out of that bar. If you drink two glasses of Lagos Long Island Tea and you don’t lose control, you are either a confirmed drunkard, or they have diluted the Lukman out of me. 

Zikoko: Ahan, is it that serious?

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: My brother, let me tell you something you don’t know today.

Zikoko: My ears are open.

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: Do you know what I’m made of?

Zikoko: Tea and alcohol with ice blocks?

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: Kuku add Agege bread so I can know you went to a bar to eat breakfast. 

Zikoko: Sorry, don’t be annoyed.

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: Sorry for yourself oh. I don dey look you.

Zikoko: Ah, Lukman my guy. Luku the Lagos Island Iced Tea. No dey vex for your guy na.

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: I have heard. Back to what I was saying; let me tell you what I am made of: vodka, white rum, tequila, gin, cola, lemon, and some other orisirisi.

But in this Lagos, the orisirisi can be anything! Lagos bartenders are adding paraga inside me.

Zikoko: Paraga, the new Twitter CEO?

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: Who be that one?

Zikoko: You know what, never mind. So, back to the paraga inside you…

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: It’s not only dry gin oh. This past week, a Lagos bartender put Kolaq inside me. Ask Opeyemi Famakin.

Zikoko: Kolaq bitters?

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: I no fit lie give you.

Zikoko: Omo. 

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: Me I don’t even complain anymore. It gives me joy to see people lose control after taking two glasses. Lagos people like to overdo, so when I knock them out, I feel powerful.

Zikoko: This is an eye-opener.

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: No eyes are opened yet. Drink me first, and you will see into the future.

Zikoko: That won’t be necessary.

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: Ehen, you were saying something about Moji-toto, my cousin. Wetin do am? Have they finally added bitter leaf inside her? The last time we spoke, she mentioned one bar in Lekki adding mor—

Zikoko: She said we should rescue you oh.

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: Them kidnap me?

Zikoko: Not at all. She said NAFDAC agents to give you a number to stop Lagos bartenders.

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: Tule jor! Who them wan give NAFDAC number? So that they will remove the Lukman in my name and turn me to Louis? 

Walahi, Moji-toto fall my hand. I’ll talk to her after this. 

Zikoko: Lukman, calm down. Look into my eyes Luku, this is not you.

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: This is me. I like who I am. I’m not changing for anybody. Would I still be called Lagos Long Island Iced Tea if I cannot knock people out? 

Zikoko: Erm…

Lagos Long Island Iced Tea: The answer is no. Now free me, let me go.

[Zikoko shifts the table.]

Lukman, the Lagos Long Island Iced Tea bounces off with swagger.

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

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