Dear Nigerian men, it’s looking like the era of depending on your six-pack to take you to the top is over. Elusive cousins, dollars and pounds, are rising faster than your blood pressures, making the streets tough as hell for y’all. This means that the time has come for you fit fam men to stop working out like you’re trying to get cast as the next Gentle Jack and find ways to diversify your portfolios. If you’re with me, keep reading for tips, and be blessed.
1. Beg Zikoko to employ you
Thankfully, I’ve been able to hack this one. For the rest of you, the time has come for you to lip-sync for your life, dust off that CV, hunt down Zikoko editors, and start begging them like you’re a salesman convincing people in public transport to buy sketchy-looking staphylococcus medication from you. May the odds be in your favour.
2. Invest in selling Akara
Last year, it was shockingly revealed that Akara sellers make approximately N30,000 a day. While this insane claim might have been made by a not-so-reliable source, there’s no harm in trying. If you do the math and work weekends, you could earn close to N1 Million a month. Is Akara the new tech? You’re about to find out.
3. Learn how to sew
If, like Abuja men, you know what’s up, you’d know that starting an overpriced trad-making “fashion” label is the way to go. To effectively scam people into paying N100,000 for up and down, you’ll need to build your social media presence. I believe you can do it sha. Go forth and rob people, you fraudulent king.
4. Do whookup
This might not get you money, but it guarantees you premium orgasms. I’d rather be a broke man getting proper orgasms twice a day, than a broke nigga lifting weights made out of stone like I’m an Israelite slave in Egypt. Check and balance it, na.
5. Buy and sell sardines
You have to be living under a rock not to have noticed the rapid increase in the price of sardines. This is your time to think ahead of the crowd and make business moves that could make you the next Dangote. Start out small with one of these unknown brands and by December you might be selling Titus. Wow!
6. Hunt down and trap a tech bro or sis with your sexual prowess
You don’t need to be able to code or even be interested in working to get into the tech scene. There are several other ways of “entering,” if you know what I mean. *winks terribly* All of us will enjoy this national tech cake last last, either by using our brains or some of the other organs heaven gave us. The end justifies the means.
7. Scatter people’s relationship
If the universe (i.e the tiny voice in your head) says that someone’s woman/man is yours, who are you to go against fate? That being said, only listen to the universe when it’s directing you to someone’s rich partner. If you investigate and the person is poor, tell the universe to clean its glasses and look again. Poverty is not our portion.
8. Read “Rich Dad Poor Dad”
I don’t know what the book is about, and I haven’t met anyone who became rich after reading it. But the book is famous for allegedly opening people’s minds to the secrets of success. Take risk and succeed. If all fails, you can join “intellectual” Twitter and kiki at their financial literacy jokes.
9. Learn how to code
Some of us have tried this and failed because our brains said “bitch, you can’t.” There may still be hope for you sha. Join tech Twitter and hustle your way into one of these startups that keep popping up. Who knows? You just might become the next big tech CEO who tweets wildly problematic hot takes and gets dragged for them every two weeks.
10. Become an Instagram/TikTok Influencer
If you’re complaining about this being stressful and time consuming, remember that deadlifting, squatting, preacher curls and bench presses are worse. It’s time for you to do all the challenges you see online until brands start reaching out to collaborate. Taymesan doesn’t have two heads.
