Sex is bad. I know it, you know it, mummy GO knows it, every Nigerian parent knows it. Why should one have sex? When should they have sex? How? With whom? Where?
These are the questions Nigerian parents seek to answer when you turn 12 and they call you downstairs after Sunday service.
This is you as a Nigerian parent
No smiles. Sex is not beans, and these are not issues to be joked with. You have to start with, “There’s been something we’ve been meaning to talk to you about.”
These are your children
If you knew how much they already know about sex, you’d probably need a doctor to resuscitate you. But they’ll sit through the awkwardness and listen to you. No wahala.
It’s time to talk about sex
Yes, kpekus. Aka the forbidden fruit; aka the devil’s greatest tool.
But wait, why do they need to know about sex sef?
It’s getting awkward. Can’t they just learn about this in church?
Anyways, let’s do this
So that they won’t say you failed as a parent when your child is carrying belle for five different people at 25.
First things first, sex is bad
Before anything else, it must be established that those three letters were specifically added to the alphabet by Satan. Once someone commits sexual intercourse, they’ve opened up their life to the kingdom of darkness and invited terrible things to happen to them.
Sex leads people to hell
The kids have to understand that genitalia meet-and-greet will take them to the place where fire and sulphur burn forever and demons torment them endlessly. Surely, that’s not what they want.
If you look at the “opposite sex” for too long, pregnancy will happen
Say it like this: “Every time coitus happens, pregnancy happens. And once you get pregnant out of wedlock, who will then marry you? Nobody. But the thing is, even staring at the opposite sex can lead to such misfortune. So as you’re locking your pants, close your eyes too. May we all be protected.”
Once you have sex, your soul is tied to the other person
“If you have sex with one million people, your soul is tied to all of them and all the people they’ve had sex with. In the spiritual realm, there’s a network of sex connections.”
Tell them, “I was a pure virgin until marriage”
It doesn’t matter that you had your first child before getting married. You must say this. Aren’t you your children’s role model?
Don’t forget the threats
Just throw in random threats.
“They will suck you like orange and throw you away.”
“You will lose your virtue forever.”
“They will take your destiny away.”
Also read: All The Stress That Comes With Being Your Parents’ Favourite Child
