Being the first daughter in a Nigerian home comes with a lifetime of responsibilities, work, and hurt that sticks with you long after you’ve left.
In this article, 12 women talk about their experience as first daughters and how it has affected them.
Kimmy, 23
Growing up as the first daughter in my family, I automatically became my dad’s favorite. That didn’t help much, though. Even though I have an older brother, my status as the first daughter made me responsible for everybody. They’d come to me first if they needed something or if something went wrong. I had to take responsibility for everything — from caring for my siblings to doing the chores around the house. I had to become their mother, never mind that I was a child myself.
It was fun before it became very stressful, and I started to dislike all of them.
Now that I’m older and in school, I don’t like people in my space and prefer to be left alone. It’s why I hardly go home. Also, I’ve learnt to stand up for myself a lot more now, and they’ve given my brother back most of the firstborn duties.
Nnenna, 21
I will blame my parents for everything. I grew up taking care of everybody at home for some odd reason. Because of this, I gravitate towards partners that are super caring and don’t stress my life. I get enough stress from home already.
Also, I was in charge of all the money in the house when I was younger, and we weren’t financially stable. Making money decisions at that age taught me how to save. Now, I’m a compulsive saver. I stick to my savings plans and won’t touch the money, even if I’m dying of hunger.
Perhaps the biggest consequence of being the first daughter is that I hold things until I can’t anymore. It’s a bad habit that I’m unlearning, and I feel like I have to break my back before I deserve appreciation.
Shalewa, 20
It’s like a trinity thing for me — I’m the first daughter, the only daughter, and the last born.
Growing up wasn’t a worthwhile experience. I got the “ only daughter” treatment more than the “last born” one.
Things took a turn when I was 12, and decided I wanted to do the dishes. From that day, my parents decided I would be responsible for all house chores and put all the homemaking business in my hands. Since that day, I’ve cooked, cleaned, and picked up after four grown men (my three brothers and my dad).
I’m fine doing it, but I hate that they make me do it cause I’m a “woman” if I was a man, they wouldn’t move all the work to me and turn me into a mini housemaid.
Besides the daily homemaking chores, I maintain the peace in the house so my brothers don’t remove each other’s heads, put medication on wounds, and do the grocery runs. I’m barely 21!
Yomi, 22
I’m the first daughter in a family of 4. I got my first taste of the first-daughter treatment when my parents were dealing with some issues in their marriage. I was closer to my mum, so I became her adviser and shielded my sister from everything.
As I get older, I’ve realized that I don’t know how to rely on people to provide for me I’m used to helping people. and it takes everything to ask for help. b
I look out for people the same way I did for my sister. Right now, all I think about is shielding my sister from the harsh realities of life.
My life as the firstborn and first daughter means feeling choked by responsibilities — the ones I have already and the ones that are yet to come.
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Nma, 25
I’m my mum’s first child. But my dad had his kid when he was in secondary school — a daughter. When my parents got married, she lived with us. She was way older than my siblings and me, SO first-daughter duties didn’t start for me until my mum died when I was nine years old. and I moved in with an aunt.
When I hit my 20s, I started to help out the family financially. I currently pay my youngest brother’s school fees and drop money for groceries.
As the first child, I rarely had anyone to confide in or had the luxury of people babying me, so I seek that in my romantic relationships. I enjoy being taken care of emotionally, and I sometimes micromanage my man because he’s a middle child, and you know how they can be.
Princess, 20
I had to take care of my junior siblings at 9 because my parents were busy with their businesses, so I act older than I actually am. My parents expected a lot from me because of my younger siblings, and I won’t lie; it wasn’t fun.
My siblings ended up being spoilt by my mum as I was the only one doing everything.
Now, my parents look up to me as the only person they can trust — my siblings can’t do anything, and they’re very stubborn.
I still do most of the house chores and errands at home. It’s so bad that I don’t like going home.
Jane, 20
I just realised it, but I have a lot of trauma to unpack from growing up as the first daughter.
I had to be the “good and proper” child, which meant bearing a lot for the sake of my siblings. I still try to behave in a certain way so I’m not leaving a “bad example” for my siblings, but I’m consciously trying to be free from those demands and discover what I want.
Claire, 20
Growing up as a first daughter and first child was a lot. I was blamed for everything and anything, even if I wasn’t there when it happened.
There was immense pressure to be a good leader and set a good example for my siblings. I feel like I wasn’t allowed to make mistakes.
Even till this day, there’s a never-ending urge to be there for my siblings emotionally and financially. I never think of myself. Also, I can’t live alone. I grew up with five siblings and got so used to the chaos that came with it.
Thankfully, I don’t have many responsibilities yet since I’m still a student. But I have it drilled into my head that I can’t mess up, and I need to do things right regardless of the discomfort.
Martha, 23
As the first daughter, I had to grow up too fast. There’s a considerable age gap between my sister and me, so it’s not like I was in charge of her that early. I was in charge of my parents.
Their marriage was an abusive one, and I had to play the role of an intermediary. I was constantly picking sides, begging for my mummy, and occasionally getting thrown around. If I wasn’t the first child, I wouldn’t have had to bear the brunt of such dysfunction.
Also, I was responsible for everything in that house. My mum, my sister, and even my father came to me for every little thing they needed. However, nothing I did was ever enough, and it seemed like I had to know what they wanted before they even said it.
Now that I’m older, it’s affecting my relationships because I put everyone before myself. I’d rather experience some discomfort than let a friend or acquaintance, or even a stranger, feel it.
Nevertheless, it’s helped me build some leadership skills — I’m proactive, fair in judgment, and easy to talk to. me proactive, fit for leadership positions, fair, and easy to talk to. I’m the queen of empathy.
I’m 23 years old now, and I’m still responsible for so much. Nothing is ever good enough. I always have to prove myself. Sometimes, I feel like a 42-year-old father of three, and it’s wild because I’m just 23.
Doyin, 31
Growing up as the first daughter was demanding for me because my parents expected more from me than my age allowed me to be. It has really affected me now that I’m older because whenever I remember that I’m the firstborn, I remember all the responsibilities I have and how my siblings are looking up to me — it makes me want to work harder.
Maureen, 25
Honestly, I’ve decided the stress of being the first daughter is never going to change. The trauma is a whole lot. Out of all my siblings, I’m the only one working, and whenever I ask my brother to get a job, he’ll ask me to tell him what he needs one for. Honestly, I’m thankful I negotiated my salary very well. I’d have been borrowing money or doing something illegal just to survive.
Adaorah, 24
My dad and I had this really sweet relationship when I was a child. We’d go out together and listen to highlife music every Sunday evening, and he’d take me to the site where he worked whenever he could. It was interesting.
I think the weight of being a first child hit me when I became a teenager, and my parents thought it was time to let our househelps go. I suddenly became responsible for five children. It was chaotic at first, but I got used to it.
Being a first child made me independent; I can do anything myself. But there are the disadvantages too. Some people say I don’t know how to love because I’m always trying to be strong. They want a vulnerable girl, but you can’t be that way if you’ve always had to be strong for your siblings.
My siblings love me a lot, and I work as hard as I can to get them nice things, but since I can’t afford most things I want to get them, I drift away.
It isn’t the best feeling.
Still on the topic of first daughters: Watch this first episode of Zikoko for Her, in which Chigozie Obi talks about the pressures and struggles of being a first daughter.
