Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Kunle: In January 2022, we met on a danfo going from CMS to Eko Hotel roundabout. It was around 6:30 a.m., we sat together, and there was bumper-to-bumper traffic for most of the way because of all the closed roads and bridges. We were both sweaty but trying to maintain beauty for the office.
Temi: It was hard for us public transport users that year. I always got to the office exhausted. Well, not much has changed now.
But that day, we got to talking when he got a glance at my music playlist on my phone. He saw I liked a lot of sad music and commented on it. That’s how we started talking about music and our work.
Kunle: When we finally got to our destination, it was some minutes past eight, and we were both late for work, so we didn’t even bother to rush. We’d found out we worked not too far from each other, so we got into a keke together and that’s where we exchanged phone numbers.
When did you realise you liked each other?
Temi: We started meeting up in the evenings to catch the bus going to Barracks together, and we really got along on these bus trips. After some days, he told me he normally carpooled with a man who uses his private car as a taxi when he was coming to work in the morning and leaving at night. The only reason he’d been using the danfo that week was because the man had travelled.
He invited me to carpool with him, and I agreed. It was a great decision because the man’s car was so comfortable; it was air conditioned, and he lived closer to my house, so I could just walk home from where he dropped me off.
Kunle: There were usually four of us from different offices in this man’s car. And on rare occasions, five. Instead of having to jump danfos at up to four stops between work and home, we could just sit back and relax for a long stretch of time. It didn’t even cost that much more. We got to talk and get to know each other without the stress and noise of danfo buses. I think that’s how we started liking each other.
What interesting things did you find out about each other?
Kunle: That she catered for small events on the side. I immediately loved that she was that enterprising.
Temi: For me, I found out he was gay, first of all.
Kunle: I like to have that out of the way when I’m getting to know people, so they can decide if they want to move the friendship forward from early on.
I once had a friend who was so angry when she found out I was gay about a year into our friendship. She said I’d betrayed her trust and blocked me.
I think on the second day of going home in the private car, I told her.
Temi: It was refreshing to meet a gay person in person and have him be so open about it without it necessarily showing in his behaviour. I was a bit disappointed though, because I thought he was cute.
Kunle: She asked to see a picture of my boyfriend at the time, and I showed her.
Temi: He was cute too. It really wasn’t fair.
When did you both know you’d fallen in love?
Kunle: The next month, that “cute” guy broke up with me. I’d never experienced as much heartbreak as I did after it happened, probably because we dated for two and a half years. I really thought we’d be committed for life, but apparently, we weren’t on the same page.
That’s what made it even more upsetting. Was he pretending about liking me as much as I thought he did? I suddenly didn’t know.
Temi: He was so withdrawn one day. And he was like that for some weeks, but I didn’t know why. He’d miss the car on some days, and I started feeling somehow about entering without him because I didn’t know anyone else in the car.
So I went back to danfos. When I tried to chat him up to check up on him, he’d just say he was fine. I was worried but I left him. But then, I started missing him.
Kunle: When I started getting over my ex, I felt bad for leaving her hanging like that. I’d noticed she was no longer going with the car. I felt bad that I’d pushed her to go for a much more uncomfortable transport option. I called her up one day and apologised for my sudden withdrawal.
When I finally told her about the break up one Saturday, she told me to meet up with her somewhere she was going to deliver packs of jollof rice she’d made to a birthday celebrant.
Temi: He came to where we’d agreed to meet up, which was not too far from his place, and I gave him a pack of my Jollof as a “feel better” gift.
Kunle: I was so touched. We sat down at the venue. I opened and started eating the food right there. I hadn’t eaten all day, it was around 5 p.m., and the food smelt so good.
It tasted good too. I looked at her midway into the meal with this big smile on my face. She had a big smile on hers too.
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Was that love though?
Kunle: Yes. A version of it.
I couldn’t stop thinking about her once I got home. But I couldn’t understand why because I’d never dated a woman, ever. I actually got into my first relationship at 25 as a virgin. I believed it was because I’d only been considering women up until that point, and I never met one I was attracted to.
Temi: Before I met him, my last relationship was in 2018. It was one of those lukewarm ones where, at the end, you don’t even know why you were together. So I was single and very ready for a relationship. By the time we were getting to know each other in that car, I was very attracted to him and so upset he was gay. But at the same time, I didn’t want to keep away.
Kunle: After the jollof rice meet-up, we went back to going to and from work in the car. So we saw each other every day of the week. When we started hanging out on weekends too, I knew that was it. We’d invite each other for family events or to see a movie together and started meeting each other’s friends. This went on till around June 2022, when I decided to try my luck and ask her out.
Temi: On our way to work, one early Monday morning, he asked me randomly. I was in shock. I was like, “I thought you were gay.” He looked a little confused when I said that, so I knew it was something he himself was still trying to figure out.
How did you handle rediscovering your sexuality and entering a new relationship at the same time?
Kunle: It was conflicting for a while, not going to lie. But in the end, I decided to just follow my instincts. For some reason, I really liked this one girl after a lifetime of liking boys. Maybe that doesn’t require an explanation.
Temi: I tried to keep an open mind too, and enjoy the process. I didn’t say yes to him right away because I wanted him to be really sure. I also wanted to process whether actually wanted to date him. It took me up to three weeks to agree. In the meantime, our budding friendship grew. I realised that beyond being attracted to him, we got along well. He was a serious person; he took the important things in life — money, work, family — seriously.
Kunle: We also like food — the one thing we both like.
Temi: That’s not true. We like swimming. But yeah, that’s all we have in common.
Are either of you ever worried he’ll get attracted to a man again?
Temi: I won’t say “worried”, but the thought enters my head sometimes. On one hand, I feel special that I’m the one woman who made him realise he’s actually bisexual not gay. But on the other hand, I have a lot of learning to do about what bisexuality entails in practice.
Kunle: I still get attracted to men actually. Doesn’t mean I’ll ever act on it. I’m fully committed to this relationship for the foreseeable future. Being gay or bisexual doesn’t mean I can’t be disciplined and stay loyal and respectful to her.
Fair enough. Do you remember what your first major fight was about?
Kunle: Oh, it was so stupid.
Temi: We fought, or rather, had an argument over last year’s Sallah meat.
Kunle: This was even before we’d fully agreed to date.
Temi: He’s Muslim. So he’d sworn to bring me a full polythene bag of ram meat. I told him to bring it raw so I could cook it very tender and make a nice sauce with it.
What did he do? He brought the one that they’d fried hard as rock. And it wasn’t even plenty. After he had promised heaven and earth. I was already dreaming of how I was going to savour it and use it with four different meals. Oh God.
Kunle: I overhyped myself as a joke. I didn’t know she was actually taking me seriously and making plans. I just put some leftover meat together without thinking, and took it to her the next day. When she brought the meat out of the bag, she lambasted me. I’ll never forget. I felt so bad.
Temi: I didn’t speak to him for like two days. One day, he ordered ram suya to my house. That was so sweet.
What’s the best thing about being together so far?
Temi: Everything. What I love most is how I don’t feel any pressure at all. I can be myself, talk about things that interest me and be open and vulnerable, without feeling judged or disrespected.
Kunle: The best thing is how compatible we are in almost everything: mentally, sexually, even career-wise. We’re growing together. And we’re so comfortable together. I didn’t realise how uptight I was — constantly seeking validation and trying to be and look perfect — in almost all my past relationships until we got together. Thank you for that.
How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?
Temi: 8. I love you so much.
Kunle: Maybe 9.
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