Patience* achieved her japa dreams after moving to Europe with her boyfriend in 2022. However, she’s now considering returning to Nigeria because of concerns about their future as a couple.
As told to Boluwatife
Image by Freepik
I got the best news of my life sometime in July 2022.
My boyfriend, Diran*, had applied for a student visa to study for a postgraduate degree in a European country, and he called me that day to share the good news that his visa had been approved.
I was excited for two reasons. Diran had applied once before but didn’t get it. He’d also already deferred his admission once, losing a scholarship in the process. Most importantly, I was excited that he was going to take me along as a dependent.
Diran and I started dating in 2021, and from the first moment we met, it was obvious the guy wanted to leave Nigeria at all costs. We met on a Twitter space where we both complained about Nigeria, and he DM’ed me after. I don’t even think the question, “Will you be my girlfriend?” was uttered. After talking for three weeks, we met up, made out and became an item.
We didn’t live in the same city, so it was a long-distance relationship right from the start. Our busy schedules also made our communication difficult. We both worked in tech, and Diran used his free time applying to every international postgraduate program he could find.
It wasn’t like he had dreams of obtaining a Ph.D. He just thought it was the easiest way to leave. The plan was to get abroad, find work, make money and work on never returning to Nigeria again.
If anything, I think our joint determination to leave the country was what kept us together. It was all we talked about. We could see that Nigeria wasn’t gonna make it, and leaving was the only option. But I didn’t want to go the school route like Diran; I didn’t have the money for it or a family to support me financially like he did, and scholarships aren’t a walk in the park. It was either a skilled worker visa, or I miraculously landed a foreign job.
The period we started dating was when Diran first got denied a visa. So, when he began the process again, it only made sense for him to include me in the visa application. We were committed to each other and knew our journey together would involve relocating at some point, so why not just start then?
Technically, Diran is my husband. We had to forge marriage papers to strengthen my dependent application. He’d jokingly asked if we should get married for real, but I thought it was too quick. Marriage isn’t something you run into so fast like that. My parents wouldn’t even have approved the quick wedding.
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Diran and I travelled to Europe in September 2022, but my parents thought I travelled alone. There was no way to explain cohabitation to my very Nigerian parents.
But I was excited. I had finally achieved my japa dream. Things could only get better.
The first few months abroad were great. I kept my tech job in Nigeria, so I only picked up a few cleaning shifts to make extra cash. Diran was also making some money as a research assistant at his school. I hoped, with time, I’d get a proper job, and we could work towards permanent residence. But our relationship started to suffer.
Living together highlighted all our differences. For one, Diran is a morning person who wants to exercise once he wakes up and plays music out loud — he doesn’t “believe” in headphones. I’m very grumpy in the mornings, and all the noise he makes annoys me to no end. I told him about it, and he tried to reduce the volume of his music, but we stay in a very small apartment, and his workout movements still wake me up.
Diran also became more fixated on money. He’d regularly miss classes to take under-the-table gigs because there was a limit to the number of hours he could work on a student visa. That caused a lot of our fights. I didn’t understand why he’d jeopardise his degree. Why couldn’t he just wait to get the degree and use it to get a better job?
His long hours also meant he was hardly around, and we became almost like roommates. Our constant arguments on just about everything didn’t do much for our relationship either. We could be together in a room but would be on our phones throughout that time.
That’s why, as early as 2023, I’d already begun considering ending the relationship, but I worried Diran would think I just used him to get to Europe or he’d try to remove me from his visa. So, I stayed. I didn’t even have anywhere else to go. I’m sure he also noticed that the relationship wasn’t working again, but he didn’t address it.
I suggested we go on a break early this year, and Diran agreed. That was a foolish idea, though, because we’re still roommates, and konji pushed us back together after a week. But we aren’t even together in the real sense of the word. Sex is the only thing we have in common.
I’ve decided now that I’m really going to leave the relationship, but I’m a bit confused about how to go about it. It’s the worst possible time to discuss a break up. Diran failed some exams last year and had to resit. He just recently learned that he failed those resit exams, and it’s looking like he might not get his postgraduate degree. If that happens, he might lose his visa, and that’ll affect me too.
I feel like asking to break up now would just be me kicking someone who’s already down. On the other hand, I know I’ll still leave one day, so won’t that be interpreted as I just hung around because of visa?
I don’t mind returning to Nigeria. That might even be my only option. Like I said earlier, I don’t have the money to apply to a university and switch to a student visa. Pursuing a visitor’s visa is also a waste of time. I’ve tried applying to jobs here that might help me stay, but I haven’t been lucky. I think it’s better if I leave now before Diran has visa issues so it won’t affect my chances of re-applying if I ever need to.
Nigeria is probably at the worst it’s ever been, and I might regret returning later, but I’m just hoping everything will work out. I just have to figure out how to break up with Diran first.
*Names have been changed, and specific locations removed for the sake of anonymity.
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