Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Joke: I knew Makin from a distance during our university days. He was in a different department and two years ahead of me, but I usually saw him at a popular study hub close to school.
Makin held mathematics tutorials for fellow students, and he continued even after he graduated. I had to retake a maths course in 300 level, and that’s how I became one of his students in 2017.
Makin: I noticed Joke because she was easily one of my smartest students — and beautiful, of course — and I was curious about how she got a carryover. We started talking, and our conversations moved from academics to general life. It became a tradition for her to wait for me after class so we could talk as I walked her to her hostel.
She retook the course and passed, but we remained friends.
When did friendship graduate to something else?
Makin: The following year, I got a job at an offshore company in another state and couldn’t talk to Joke during the first two weeks because there was no network signal on the rig. I didn’t get myself throughout that period. I missed her so much.
Joke: It was the longest we’d gone without talking to each other. I missed him, but I didn’t want to think about it too much. He hadn’t hinted at anything beyond friendship, and I didn’t want to start catching feelings. But that changed when he returned from the rig.
Makin: I went straight to her hostel the moment I landed back in the state. I didn’t even go home to change. Two weeks away from her made me realise what I felt was more than friendship, and I had to tell her immediately.
How did you react, Joke?
Joke: I was pleasantly surprised but also really excited. I hadn’t let myself consider the possibility of us being together, but there he was, energetically confessing his feelings. He asked me to be his girlfriend, we kissed, and the relationship officially started.
What were the early days like?
Joke: Makin was very intentional. Whenever he wasn’t on the rig, he spent time with me. We talked a lot about our future, went out on dates, and he wrote me little love notes. When NYSC sent me to the North in 2018, he took quarterly flights to come and be with me.
That’s why it was a huge surprise when I found out he cheated.
Makin: I made a mistake, Joke. It wasn’t exactly cheating.
Joke: Really?
Okay, wait. What actually happened?
Joke: We were discussing an investment scheme someone had told him about on one of his visits to my base. The lady had sent some of the information to his WhatsApp, so he gave me his phone to read it. Out of curiosity, I scrolled up to see what his communication with this lady was like, and I saw that they’d been sexting.
Makin: It happened only once with her. The lady and I had a fling years before I met Joke, but it fizzled out, and we remained casual friends. The sexting thing happened because Joke and I were going through a rough patch, and I lost my head for a bit. But it’s not an excuse for what I did.
What caused the rough patch, though?
Makin: Joke is a very opinionated woman, and I’m more traditional. I expect that while a couple can have different views, the man should ultimately make the final decision. This doesn’t always sit well with Joke.
During that period, we’d argued over what would happen if she didn’t get a job in the state where we lived or where I worked. I argued that it made more sense for her to move to the state where I worked, but she didn’t think we had to settle there because it wouldn’t exactly make the distance shorter. I’d still travel to the rig for weeks at a time.
It became an issue, and we didn’t talk for a whole day. That’s another issue with Joke —when she’s angry, she becomes withdrawn.
Joke: So, I guess the solution was running to another woman?
Makin: I’m sorry.
How did you both get past this?
Joke: He begged for days, swore it’d never happen again and even involved my mum. We both come from closely-knit families, and our parents knew about us almost as soon as we started dating. Makin is especially close to my mum, so he called and asked her to beg me. He didn’t tell her what he did, though.
I forgave him after a week. I considered it a first-time slip-up and thought I shouldn’t let it destroy what we had. He was still kind and loving and appeared truly sorry.
Makin: I was truly sorry. Since those first two weeks on the rig, I’ve known I want to spend the rest of my life with Joke, and I couldn’t afford to lose her. Thankfully, we moved past it and got married in 2019.
How has marriage been?
Joke: A mistake.
Makin: I haven’t been the best husband, but I love Joke and want to make things right.
I’m lost now. Why do you consider marriage a mistake, Joke?
Joke: We’ve had several misunderstandings due to our slightly different views on gender roles. Makin thinks he should have the final say, but I think I should be allowed to disagree. I expect him to offer to help with chores when he’s home — emphasis on “offer” because I’ll likely tell him not to bother. It’s just the thought that counts. But he doesn’t think I should expect that of him.
Makin: I don’t have a problem with helping out. It’s the tone of her voice when she makes these complaints. She often makes it seem like I’m sitting doing nothing and just watching her do all the chores, but I chip in sometimes. Plus, she works remotely, and I’m not always home. Surely, she shouldn’t mind catering to me for the weeks we’re together.
Joke: I hear that, and over the years, I’ve deliberately tried to reduce the complaints. Of course, we still clashed a few times, but I think that’s normal in a marriage. Couples will always have minor misunderstandings. But that’s not why I think marrying Makin was a mistake; it’s because of the cheating.
Has there been another cheating episode?
Joke: More like episodes. I caught him sexting two more people at different points over the years. The first one happened six months into our marriage. The second one was just after we celebrated our third anniversary. Each time, he promised it’d never happen again.
Makin: I really wanted to tell Joke before she found the chats on my phone. I know I have a weakness for women, which becomes worse whenever my wife and I aren’t on good terms.
Both cases were stupid lapses in judgment, and I didn’t clear the chats because I wanted to come clean. But I was scared of telling Joke; I didn’t want her to leave me. I know now that was a foolish justification because I had no one to talk to when my weakness almost destroyed my marriage.
What happened?
Makin: I had an affair with someone from work last year.
Joke: Let me give you the gory details. Makin slept with a subordinate at work for seven months and only stopped when a colleague caught them going at it in the office.
Hmm. How did you find out, Joke?
Joke: He came clean when he got fired a week later. I was heartbroken. I couldn’t believe Makin would actually go that far. His begging and grovelling only made me angrier, so I packed out of the house and moved in with my mum.
Makin: I’ll forever be sorry for hurting Joke. She doesn’t believe me, but I never intended to break her heart and trust that way. I desperately tried to end the affair several times and even avoided the lady, but somehow, I kept going back.
Joke: It was that good, abi?
Makin: No, babe. I was just stupid, please. I’m really sorry.
This was last year, and you’re still together now. Does that mean you’ve returned home, Joke?
Joke: Yes. I returned home after three months. I’d already started looking for a divorce lawyer, but Makin and my mum kept pleading with me. Honestly, my mum is the only reason we’re still together. She’s hypertensive, and she was constantly worrying about her only daughter being a divorcee. I didn’t want anything to affect her health negatively.
Makin, how does it feel knowing Joke doesn’t really want to be in this marriage?
Makin: I have no choice but to accept it. But I also see an opportunity to rebuild Joke’s love and trust. She has every reason to hate me, but I just want her to see that I’m a new man. The whole ordeal with my workplace led me to God, and I’ve rededicated my life to Christ. I want to build a home that both God and my wife are proud of. I don’t mind how long it takes.
Joke: This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this, though the God part is new. Every time it happens, he claims he’s a changed man and swears on his life that it’ll never happen again. Yet he somehow does something worse after.
I honestly feel I’ll regret coming back. Apart from my mum, you’re the only person I’ve told about this. Because how do I tell people I let a man play in my face, not once or twice?
Hmm.
Joke: I didn’t even share how learning about the affair drove me to depression. I kept wondering if I wasn’t enough. I contributed equally to home expenses and even bought him his car— the same one he used to carry his little girlfriend around. I never denied this man sex. Wasn’t I doing it well enough for him?
Or, is it because we still don’t have a child? The doctor said Makin was the problem, but was an affair his way of trying his luck somewhere else? I kept wishing I could rewind time so I’d have left the first time he cheated. Anything to stop this mistake of a marriage from happening in the first place.
It took several months before I came to terms with the fact that I couldn’t blame myself for his actions. I’m still pained, but it was his decision to do what he did. My focus now is on myself and my career. I may still be in this marriage, but I can’t pretend that the love is still here.
Have you both considered marriage counselling?
Makin: I suggested it when Joke first returned home, but I was unemployed, and Joke wasn’t interested in paying for it. However, I got a new job a few months ago and I’m trying to convince Joke to let us talk to a counsellor.
Joke: I think it will be a waste of time. Talking about the affairs for an extended period of time will only bring back the pain. Plus, counselling is like saying we want to work to rebuild our union. I don’t want to dedicate my efforts and emotions to repairing our connection because it’ll only hurt more when he cheats again.
Makin: Believe me, babe. It’ll never happen again.
Joke: Right.
What’s your marriage like these days?
Joke: We’re basically roommates who have sex with each other. Makin has been trying to be more helpful around the house and buys me things to win my love back. It works sometimes and for a few days, I like him again. But then I remember and it hurts all over again. I can’t afford to love or trust him because it won’t end well for me.
Makin: Things are still very up and down right now, but I see it as me needing to put in more work to get Joke back. I can’t live without her, and I’ll keep trying until she believes I’ll never hurt her again.
How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?
Joke: 2. This wasn’t the life I envisioned in marriage, and I would be long gone if not for my mum.
Makin: 4. We’re a work in progress. I know I messed things up, but I believe we can still be happy again.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
READ THIS TOO: Love Life: I Lost Over 30kg Just So I Could Approach Him
