Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Jamal: I first saw her at a party—one of those loud, flashy ones in Lekki in 2022. I wasn’t really into all that stuff, but my boys dragged me there. She was wearing this neon green outfit that just stood out in the crowd. I remember thinking she was way too cool for me. I didn’t talk to her that night, but I stalked her Instagram for days after.
Tomi: Funny enough, I don’t even remember seeing him at that party. I only knew him from the DMs he sent after. I wasn’t going to reply at first because, you know, typical Lagos guys just want vibes. But he asked me what I thought about one weird, deep quote I posted. It wasn’t the usual “hi dear” stuff. I thought, “Maybe he’s not like the others.”
I’m guessing he proved you right?
Tomi: In some ways, yeah.
He wasn’t the typical guy I was used to. He wasn’t all about popping bottles or showing off. I mean, he did some of that at first, but deep down, he had this soft side, always asking questions about life and meaning. But it wasn’t all perfect; there were moments he’d still act like the Lagos boy—ghost me for a few days and then come back like nothing happened.
Jamal: Okay, to be fair, I was figuring myself out back then. I didn’t want to mess it up, but I also didn’t know how to be fully honest with her at the start. Lagos dating is a game, you know? You’re either playing or getting played.
But with her, I had to stop playing and start being real.
How did you transition to “real”?
Jamal: That was like two years ago. Feels longer though, with everything that’s happened since. We started off just chatting and hanging out, nothing too deep. But by the end of that year, things started getting serious.
Tomi: Yeah, it was around December 2022 when we really clicked. I remember it was the “Detty December” period—people were going crazy with parties, but we were chilling, just talking about life, God, and everything in between. It was the first time I actually felt like a relationship could be more than just “vibes” and drama.
Were you both religious before that?
Tomi: No. I mean, I grew up in a Christian home, but I wasn’t serious about it. Church was just something I did on Sundays to make my mum happy.
At that time, I wasn’t even thinking about God like that. I was more into finding myself, trying to live my best life, you know? Like most of our generation, I was questioning everything—including religion.
Jamal: My family is Muslim, but I wasn’t deep into it. Religion felt like something our parents’ generation cared about, not ours. I used to think, “What’s the point?” I was more focused on hustling, trying to secure the bag. But after a while, everything started to feel empty. I was partying, making money, but it wasn’t hitting like I thought it would.
When we got closer, we started having these deep conversations about faith and what it all means. It wasn’t planned; it just kind of happened.
Is that how the relationship started?
Tomi: Honestly, those conversations changed everything. We’d talk for hours, late into the night. At first, it was just about random stuff—life, why people do the things they do, Lagos madness. Then, somehow, it shifted to deeper questions about purpose and spirituality.
I didn’t expect it, but those talks made me see Jamal in a different light. It wasn’t just about the attraction anymore; it was like we were building something more meaningful together.
Jamal: Yeah, those convos are what made me realise she wasn’t just another girl. We were both going through a phase of questioning everything and instead of drifting apart like a lot of people do when it gets that real, we got closer.
Tell me how that happened
Jamal: I remember one night we were sitting in a lounge at the mall. After we’d had this heavy talk about the future, she just looked at me and said, “Do you even believe in anything?” That hit me. We were connecting on a spiritual level, which is wild because I never thought I’d be that guy.
Tomi: It wasn’t like we were “religious” overnight or anything, but those conversations led us to start exploring faith together. And honestly, it was part of what sealed the relationship. I didn’t just want a relationship that was all vibes or built on physical stuff. I wanted someone who was on the same wavelength as me, someone I could grow with spiritually.
So when did you become official?
Jamal: Man, becoming official was messy at first. We’d been hanging out for months, and I knew she wanted to make it official, but I wasn’t sure if I was ready. I was still one foot in, one foot out. But after one argument where she basically told me she couldn’t keep doing this “situationship”, I knew I had to step up or risk losing her. So, I asked her out properly. We had a real conversation where I told her I wanted to be with her, no games.
Tomi: Yeah, we had been in this grey zone for months, and it was frustrating. One day after we’d had a great weekend together, I straight-up asked him where this was going. I was tired of playing cool and acting like I didn’t care about a title. I remember being ready to walk away if he didn’t want something serious, but he surprised me. He finally said he wanted to be with me officially.
When did you realise you loved each other?
Jamal: When she called me out on my nonsense and didn’t let me off the hook.
I had a habit of disappearing when things got too serious—I’d just ghost for a bit. One time, I went MIA for like a week, and when I finally reached out, she didn’t just take me back. She told me straight up, “If you’re serious about this, you need to act like it.” No one had ever held me accountable like that before. It wasn’t just love, it was respect.
Tomi: For me, it wasn’t one big moment; it was little things adding up.
Like, he’d stay up late talking to me about stuff that wasn’t even his vibe, just to understand me better. Or when he started randomly praying for me. One day, I was having the worst day, and instead of just being like, “Sorry babe, it’ll get better,” he actually prayed with me. I don’t know if that sounds cheesy, but that was real for me. I’d never had someone care for my soul like that. That’s when I knew it wasn’t just infatuation—it was something deeper.
Was this before or after things became official?
Tomi: It was after we became official. By then, I think we both knew we were onto something deeper, but I didn’t fully realise I loved him until we’d already put labels on it.
We made things official around mid-2023. I remember because it was after some serious back and forth. You know how Lagos dating can be—everyone’s afraid of getting played, so we were both a bit hesitant at first.
Jamal: The moment she called me out for ghosting and held me accountable was a couple of months in. We had the whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing going, but that’s when I knew it wasn’t just a title or a phase. Before that, we were just figuring each other out and trying to see if we could trust the situation.
Got it. So what was the relationship like once you got serious?
Tomi: We were both going through different stuff—relationship issues, career stress, just trying to figure out life. And we both felt like something was missing.
So I suggested we start going to church, but not just because it’s what our parents did. I wanted to see if there was something deeper for us. We started going together, and for the first time, I wasn’t just going through the motions.
Jamal: I wasn’t really on that level at first. I went to church a few times just to make her happy, but eventually, I started feeling like maybe this was what I needed too.
Lagos life has a way of making you feel like you’re chasing stuff that doesn’t matter—money, parties, whatever. It’s all a distraction. But when we started talking about God, praying together, and going to church, I realised I was tired of pretending like I had it all figured out. It was less about religion and more about finding something real, something that could give our relationship meaning beyond just us.
Did you feel like you needed to find God to be together?
Tomi: It was more about finding a purpose together. And I think doing it together made it even more special. We held each other accountable and grew spiritually in ways I didn’t even think were possible before.
Jamal: I wouldn’t say we needed to find God to be together, but it felt like the missing piece. Before, our relationship was good, but it was like we were coasting: Having fun, going out, doing what couples do. But after a while, it felt shallow. We started questioning if there was more to it.
Finding God gave us a deeper foundation. It made us think about what we wanted long-term, not just for ourselves but for the relationship.
And what did you discover?
Tomi: We could’ve kept going without bringing faith into it, but honestly, I don’t think we would’ve lasted. The relationship was good, but along the way, I realised I wanted to grow with someone spiritually, too.
Jamal: I think God helped us realise we didn’t just want to be another couple with good vibes but no depth. It made us more intentional, more grounded. So, in a way, finding God together felt necessary for us to really thrive as a couple.
Did it change anything about you as individuals?
Tomi: Yes. I didn’t know how much until everyone noticed and mentioned it to me.
I was always the “let’s go out, let’s have fun” type, so when I started skipping events or saying, “I’m going to church,” my friends were like, “Tomi, are you okay?” They didn’t understand it at first. I lost a few friends who thought I was trying to be holier-than-thou, but the real ones stayed. My mum was happy, though. She’d been praying for me to get serious about God for years, so she saw this as an answer to her prayers. And she loves Jamal for it.
Jamal: My friends clowned me at first. I’d say I couldn’t come out because I had Bible study, and they’d be like, “Omo, Jamal has joined the ‘church boys’ now.” It was jokes for them, but after a while, they noticed I was serious about it. Some respected it, some didn’t.
As for my family, it’s mixed. My dad was confused because we’re a Muslim family, so he didn’t get why I was going to church. My mum was more chill about it—she just wanted me to be at peace. It took time for them to understand it wasn’t just a phase.
So, what’s a “godly” relationship really like in your experience?
Tomi: A “godly” relationship isn’t perfect, first of all. People think because you’re trying to do things God’s way, everything’s smooth, but nah. We still argue, and we still get annoyed with each other. The difference is, we don’t walk away from tough conversations. We’ve learnt to check our pride at the door and pray through the challenges.
That’s a huge shift from my past relationships, where I’d bounce if things got too hard. Now, I’m more committed to working things out because I know there’s something bigger holding us together.
Jamal: Yeah, in my past relationships, if it’s working, it’s working, and when it stops working, you move on. There wasn’t any real purpose beyond enjoying the moment.
But with Tomi, we’re not just dating for dating’s sake. We see this as something that could lead to marriage, so we’re more intentional. We try to apply what we learn in church or from the Bible. For example, forgiveness is big for us. I used to hold grudges for days, but now, we don’t let things fester. We pray, we talk it out, and move on.
That’s a good plus
Tomi: And being “godly” also means setting boundaries that most people in our generation might not get.
We don’t have sex, and that’s something that shocks a lot of people. They think we’re being unrealistic or “too deep,” but it’s a choice we made because we believe it keeps our relationship focused on the right things. In a time when everything is so physical, being intentional about emotional and spiritual connection first makes us different.
Jamal: We’re not trying to impress anyone. And honestly, that’s freeing. We’re focused on growth. It’s a different vibe from what most people our age are doing, but it’s working for us.
Neat. How do you keep the faith strong?
Tomi: By making it a priority in our relationship, not just something we do on Sundays. We pray together almost every day—sometimes it’s a long prayer, sometimes it’s just a quick, “God, help us today.” But we make sure we stay connected spiritually. We also talk about our faith a lot—what we’re struggling with, what we’re learning, how we’re growing. It keeps us accountable.
Jamal: Yeah, the prayer thing has been huge for us. It wasn’t natural for me at first, but now, I can’t imagine our relationship without it. And we attend a church where we actually connect with the messages and people. We do Bible studies together, too, and we have debates about different topics.
It’s not always easy because we’re still young, and Lagos has a lot of distractions, but we try to stay focused on what matters.
Like what?
Tomi: Setting boundaries that align with our faith. As I said earlier, we’ve chosen to wait until marriage to have sex, and that decision keeps us focused on building a solid connection instead of being driven by physical attraction.
Jamal: And we remind each other why we’re doing this. There are days when we get tired or frustrated, and that’s when we have to refocus. Whether it’s through prayer, reading devotionals, or just talking about our faith, we make sure to keep God in the centre. It’s not always perfect, but we know the foundation we’re trying to build.
How do you handle temptation, if any?
Jamal: Honestly, temptation is real, especially since everyone’s just doing whatever they want. There’s always going to be someone or something trying to pull you away from what you’ve committed to, whether it’s other people, social media, or even just the culture.
But I don’t put myself in situations that will make me act out. If I know going out late to certain places with certain people will mess with my head, I avoid it.
Tomi: I’ve had to cut off some friends or situations that weren’t healthy for my faith or our relationship. It’s not easy because people don’t always get it—they think you’re trying to be better than them or that you’ve “changed too much”. But it’s about knowing what I’m working towards. I keep my circle tight and surround myself with people who support our choices, not question them.
That’s important
Jamal: And let’s be real, the sexual temptation is the hardest part. We decided to wait, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. We’re human.
So we’ve put boundaries in place—like, we don’t spend the night at each other’s places, and we try to limit being in situations where it’s just us in a closed space, especially late at night. That helps keep us accountable. It’s not foolproof, but it works most of the time.
Tomi: Also, when we do feel tempted, we talk about it. We don’t pretend we’re not struggling or act like we’ve got it all figured out.
Jamal: At the end of the day, it’s about discipline. You can’t rely on willpower alone. That’s where the faith comes in—it gives us strength to stay on track, even when it’s tough.
Got it. What was your first major fight about?
Tomi: It’s linked to what Jamal mentioned earlier. It was when we were still figuring out where we stood. In the first few months of our official relationship, I felt like Jamal wasn’t serious—he’d go days without reaching out, and I’d see him on Instagram living life like I didn’t exist.
I remember calling him out on it, and he got defensive, saying he wasn’t used to people “demanding” so much attention from him. It felt like I was asking for too much when all I wanted was basic communication.
Jamal: Yeah, I was definitely in the wrong. I wasn’t used to being accountable in relationships. I had a “do what I want when I want” mindset, and that clashed with what Tomi needed. She wanted stability and consistency, and I wasn’t giving that.
The fight got really heated because, for the first time, someone was calling me out for treating them like an option. It felt uncomfortable, but it was necessary. We didn’t talk for a few days after that, but it pushed me to be more serious about us.
How did you show you were serious, Jamal?
Jamal: I had to change the way I moved. First, I stopped ghosting. That was the big thing. I made sure I was more consistent with communication—no more going MIA for days and expecting her to be cool with it.
I also started being more intentional about spending quality time with her, not just the casual “Let’s hang when I’m free” kind of vibe. We’d plan proper dates, even if it was just chilling at her place and talking. I made an effort to be there, physically and emotionally.
Tomi: It was a turning point. It wasn’t enough to just say we were official; it was about showing up for each other in real ways. It wasn’t easy, but looking back, it was what we needed to really start building something solid.
Right
Jamal: And I made the relationship public. I know that sounds small, but I posted her on my socials, which was like me saying, “I’m serious about this girl.” It wasn’t just for show; it was about being open with everyone, including friends, that I was committed.
Tomi: We’ve even started talking about the future now. Even though we’ve agreed we should wait another year or two to be properly ready for the commitment of marriage.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your Love Life?
Tomi: I’d say it’s a solid 8. We’ve got the love, respect and commitment down, and we’re both working on ourselves individually.
The only reason I’m not giving it a 10 is because we’re still figuring out certain things, especially around balancing our faith and the pressures of modern relationships.
Jamal: Yeah, I’d give it an 8 too. The love is there, and it’s real, but like Tomi said, there’s always stuff to work on.
