Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
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What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Ben: It was during our matriculation in 2019. One of my friends mentioned he was looking for a girl in our class named “Small” — it was Lauretta. We’d been in school for about two weeks, but that was the first time I noticed Lauretta. We didn’t talk because Lauretta was taking pictures with her mum. My friend and I decided not to disturb her.
Lauretta: My first memory of him happened weeks after matriculation. That morning, I sat outside the lecture hall, waiting for class to start. I was listening to Kendrick Lamar —fishing for cool people with similar music taste — when Ben walked up behind me and glanced at my phone screen. He noticed I was listening to Kendrick and started a conversation about it.
Ben: She was listening to a Kendrick Lamar song that wasn’t really popular, and I couldn’t help but approach to ask if she was a fan. I also asked to check her playlist to see if she was faking it. After I checked, I noticed she had all his albums and some other songs that I liked.
Lauretta: We ended up talking about music the entire time. I told him how I was a huge Billie Eilish fan back when she made sad-girl music, and then I found out he likes Hozier and a couple of other artists I also listen to. We exchanged numbers before we parted ways.
Sweet. So what happened next?
Ben: We stayed in contact as friends, but there wasn’t much to it. I was seeing someone who was quite jealous, even though we were in an off-and-on relationship. Lauretta and I remained friends for most of our years in school.
Lauretta: On my own end, the only “relationship” I had in school was one talking stage that ended up being a waste of my time. Aside from that, I was juggling work and school, so I didn’t have time to consider pursuing something serious with Ben. Plus, I had a few “character development” moments in school that affected my views on relationships.
Please, tell me more
Lauretta: I don’t like to remember it, but the long and short is, I discovered a potential lover was sleeping with two of my friends. To make it worse, the three of us used to hang out together. After I found out, I cut things off with him and slowly distanced myself from my friends. I just couldn’t be in that situation.
I’m sorry about that. What was your friendship with Ben like?
Lauretta: We spent a lot of time together in school because of our shared interests in philosophy, music and literature. But that was about it.
We did talk about possibly dating once at the end of our second semester in 2019. This was still during the early days of our friendships, and we decided to just stay as friends and abandon any relationship talk.
Was there a reason for that?
Lauretta: Ben was already in a relationship, and the girl was in my class. It would’ve been weird to pursue anything with him, knowing what I know. We acknowledged that we liked each other but couldn’t go further; friendship seemed like the safest bet.
Things picked up in 2023, our final year, when we shared a kiss. Ben had finally broken up with his ex since the previous year, but we didn’t get together immediately.
Ben: Yeah. A major reason was that I strongly suspected I’d contracted Human Papillomavirus (HPV) from my ex.
Oh
Ben: I hadn’t even noticed or experienced any symptoms. My ex blurted out that she’d gotten it from someone she’d cheated on me with. It was a sword of Damocles situation, and I didn’t want to drag anyone into it.
Did you get tested to confirm?
Ben: Yes, I did. After my ex mentioned it, I paid more attention to my body. I noticed a small bump on my genitals, and knowing what it might be, I did a quick search for what I’d have to do. I went to a lab close to the university teaching hospital, asked to get tested specifically for HPV, and when it came out positive, I started a treatment plan.
To be honest, I wasn’t entirely fazed by what had happened. I helped my ex treat hers even though she was trying to be hush-hush about it — I did most of the hospital runs. I also didn’t tell anyone about my status.
Not even with Lauretta?
Lauretta: He told me just before final year. Before then, we didn’t really talk about sexual health. Of course, we knew about diseases like syphilis, gonorrhea, and the others you learn about in social studies class.
I was quite disappointed with the entire situation. Ben never had anything good to say about his relationship with his ex and it was sad that he got something really bad out of it.
Right. So, let’s talk about the kiss in 2023. Did you get an update on Ben’s status before you allowed that level of intimacy?
Lauretta: Well, not exactly. The last we spoke of his status was in 2021. But, we occasionally had conversations about it, and it encouraged our friend group to do more research about sexual health.
Ben: I was actually “clean”. I hadn’t had intimate relations with a carrier since my ex broke things off in 2022.
But how did you guys even move from friends to people sharing a kiss?
Lauretta: We’d gotten to a point where our friends were already asking us what we were doing. We’d been friends for about years, and you could also say we were in a “talking stage”. Any bad character Ben was hiding about himself at that point was intentional because I basically knew him so well.
During one of our earliest conversations, we also agreed that if we didn’t find anybody in the future, we’d just get married to each other. So, since we kissed and wanted to continue kissing, we agreed to date.
Ben: Our friends weren’t the only people asking what we were doing. Random people who’d seen us together also wanted to know if we were an item. So, we became official in August 2023.
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What has the last year of your relationship been like?
Ben: It’s been quite good, to be honest. First of all, I moved to Abuja, where she lives, in 2022 so distance isn’t a problem.
It’s like being in a relationship with an actual friend. Our years of friendship make it easier to know and understand ourselves. We aren’t two people just trying to figure it out. We’ve been there, done that. Now, we are riding the wave as it comes.
Lauretta: I remember the first few days of us becoming official were spent telling our friends, and every single one of them had their version of “finally.” Overall, I’ll say the five-year talking stage was very necessary in helping us lay the foundation for our relationship.
There are not many topics we haven’t discussed. Anything new is an opportunity for exploration rather than conflict.
Curious. Considering you’ve both had experiences with cheating partners, has this impacted the way you approach intimacy as a couple?
Lauretta: It has, in a way. After Ben and I became official in August 2023, I started showing symptoms of an STI. There were bumps on my labia, and I told Ben about them. We first decided not to get sexual so as not to put him at risk of getting infected again.
I’d gotten intimate twice with a potentially serious guy who turned out to be a cheat and ended up infecting me with HPV. Since Ben had experienced something similar, he helped me through the entire process of testing and getting treated.
We’ve both been in situations where our cheating partners put us at risk, so we’ve decided not to have multiple partners. It would be more efficient to end things than ply that road.
Ben: Our past relationships are reminders of what we don’t want for ourselves in this relationship. We both hated being cheated on. So, it made it easy to agree that if we would also cheat on each other, we might as well end things.
But how do you keep each other accountable? Is routine testing a norm in your relationship?
Lauretta: For one, I’d say we’ve been able to build a level of trust, and we know we won’t willingly put each other’s health at risk.
We also want to start routine testing. I got tested at the beginning of this year as part of a giveaway package at a women’s clinic, and that helped set my tone for the year. Ben hasn’t been tested yet, but it’s a high-priority action point for us.
What about safe sex? Is that something you both practice?
Ben: At the moment, we don’t.
Lauretta: I think we just phased out of it. Initially, we used protection, but we’ve been dating for a year, and there have been occasions where we don’t have condoms in the house. Eventually, we got to a point where we stopped using it altogether. Trust and faithfulness to each other are our most prioritised safety precautions as a couple.
That’s still risky
Lauretta: We trust each other.
Got it. What’s the best thing about being with each other?
Ben: This relationship feels like we’re an actual unit. It’s easy to anticipate each other’s needs and be there for ourselves. And life is just smooth with Lauretta.
Lauretta: “Peaceful” is what comes to mind when I think about being with Ben.
He doesn’t drain my energy. I completely enjoy myself whenever I’m around him.
How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1-10?
Lauretta: I’d give us a 10. We are very compatible in most areas and have grown to be compatible in the areas we’re not.
Ben: I completely agree with her rating. There’s an ease in being seen and understood. I get them from Lauretta.
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