Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Derin: I met him when he moved into my hostel during NYSC in 2016. I can’t remember why I was outside — it was a private hostel, and most people kept to themselves — but I saw him arrive with his parents. Something about the way his mum fussed over him made me smile, and I offered to help them move his things to his room.
Hassan: That day was awkward for me. I’d just recovered from an illness, and my parents insisted on coming with me to Osogbo. I felt like a kid being dropped off at school, and then Derin showed up to help. It was a nice gesture, but I couldn’t help thinking she only did it because my mum was there.
Derin: I felt obligated to help after learning he’d been sick; his mum mentioned it while thanking me. I was also happy to answer her questions about the hostel. But beyond that, I didn’t think much of it.
Hassan: She came by later that evening and again two days later to check on me. I remember thinking, “She’s doing this because of my mum, not me.”
Why?
Hassan: I don’t think she’d have had any interaction with me if my parents weren’t there when I arrived. Plus, I’m sure my mum must have said something around the lines of helping her check on me. She’s extra like that.
I see. So, what happened next?
Hassan: On Valentine’s Day in 2016, the hostel management organised a movie night in the common area, and a friend convinced me to attend. I was just trying to pass the time, but I ended up sitting next to Derin. We talked a lot that night about movies, random hostel gossip, and life. That was the first time I saw her playful side.
Derin: I remember that night. Hassan knew how to make snarky comments about movies without sounding annoying. I found myself laughing at almost everything he said, and I realised he wasn’t as serious as he seemed.
Hassan: After that, I started knocking on her door more often; to borrow something or to just talk. I noticed she had a very calming presence.
Derin: I enjoyed the company, but I kept my guard up. I wasn’t interested in making close friends, let alone dating.
Why weren’t you interested in dating, Derin?
Derin: I come from a royal family, and there are lots of traditional expectations placed on women like me. I grew up knowing that relationships would be scrutinised, which scared me. I didn’t want to bring anyone into my family drama or make promises I couldn’t keep.
Hassan: She didn’t tell me any of this. I just thought she was being cautious, which I respected.
So, when did you learn about her family situation?
Hassan: About six months into our friendship. We were having one of our deep, late-night conversations, and she casually mentioned it, almost like it wasn’t a big deal. I stopped mid-sentence and said, “Wait, what? You’re from a royal family?”
She just nodded like it was the most normal thing in the world.
Derin: I held off that long because I didn’t want it to change how he saw me. From my previous experiences, people either got intimidated or started treating me differently when they found out. I didn’t want that with Hassan.
Hassan: I was shocked, but the revelation explained why she was reserved and always had mysterious family obligations. Sometimes, she would be away for a week because of a masquerade event, and she also went for incisions every three months. At first, I thought it wasn’t a big deal. How complicated could it be? But when she started breaking down all the traditions and expectations, I realised this was another level of responsibility.
How did you feel about it, Hassan?
Hassan: It scared me, I won’t lie. I questioned if I was ready to deal with all that came with being involved with someone from a royal family. But at the same time, I didn’t see myself walking away from her. She meant too much to me already.
Derin: That’s one thing I’ll always admire about Hassan. Even though I warned him about how complicated things could get, he didn’t run. He stayed and made an effort to understand. That meant a lot to me.
Sweet. Was this when things became official between you two?
Derin: Not really. We didn’t get together until we completed NYSC in 2017. Hassan had been dropping hints about wanting something serious, but I kept deflecting because of how complicated things could get. Plus, we were at a crossroads. He was heading to Lagos for work, and I planned to stay in Osogbo to help with my family’s affairs.
Hassan: I didn’t want to pressure her, but I also didn’t want to leave things in the air before I moved to Lagos. We’d grown close, and I didn’t want to risk losing that. So, one night, a week before I left Osogbo, I told her how I felt and asked if she’d give us a chance.
Derin: I was hesitant at first. I thought about my family’s expectations and how distance could complicate things further. But deep down, I knew I cared about him. I didn’t want to look back and regret not giving it a shot. So, I said yes.
To be his girlfriend?
Derin: Well, yes. Although it didn’t take long for that to change to the “wife”. We got married in 2018.
Hassan: The scariest year of our relationship.
What do you mean?
Hassan: My parents had always been supportive of our relationship. They liked Derin and thought she was kind and respectful, especially when I reminded them about their interaction in 2016. But when I started sharing details about her family’s traditions, they became skeptical about the prospect of merging our families. My parents are both practising Muslims, and they had a lot to say about my connection with someone whose family has different values. They argued it’ll mean a lot of involvement in fetish practices. Their concerns were valid.
Did they try to stop the union?
Hassan: My mum did. She’d pull me aside several times during the wedding planning and say, “Marriage is already hard without adding extra stress. Are you sure this is what you want?”
I stood my ground, though. I told my mum that Derin was the one.
Derin: I was aware of their concerns, but I didn’t take it personally. I understood where they were coming from. Plus, my parents also had their reservations about marrying someone who was strange to our ways, but they didn’t make a fuss for some reason. My mum confided in me years later that they didn’t try to stop our plans because they were sure Hassan’s parents would make him pull out. They would have been right if this guy didn’t have coconut head.
I can imagine. What was your marriage ceremony like?
Derin: It was intense. There were so many steps — bride price negotiations, traditional blessings, and ceremonies that lasted for days. I warned Hassan it would be overwhelming, but I don’t think he fully grasped the extent until he was in the middle of it.
Hassan: It felt like a marathon. At one point, I thought, “What if I mess this up and offend someone?” There were so many elders involved, and the pressure was out of this world. I’ve never been happier for a day to be over.
Can you talk about the early days of your marriage?
Derin: Sure. They were a mix of relief and adjustment. After all the ceremonies and traditional rites, we were happy to finally have some quiet and start building our life together. But it wasn’t all smooth sailing. Living together as husband and wife brought its own set of challenges.
Hassan: We were learning how to coexist while balancing the expectations that came with Derin’s royal background. It was a lot to take in.
What sort of challenges did you encounter?
Derin: We both underestimated how much the traditional expectations would follow us into the marriage. It wasn’t just about adjusting to each other’s habits; we also had to deal with my family members popping in unannounced or elders calling for random consultations.
Hassan: While I’d made peace with all the traditional stuff during the wedding, I didn’t realise it wouldn’t end there. It led to huge disagreements between us.
I was coming to that. Do you remember your first major fight?
Hassan: Absolutely. It started when Derin’s parents said our baby had to go through certain rites in her hometown. They expected her to leave with the baby for two whole weeks — a baby that was barely one month old. I couldn’t wrap my head around it.
We’d just become parents, and they wanted to take them away from me. I wasn’t going to let it happen. It caused a lot of tension between us and her family. I even started having weird dreams.
Weird dreams?
Hassan: Yes. Strange looking people, sometimes masquerades from her town, chasing me with canes. One time, I woke up drenched in sweat because I thought they’d caught me. It was terrifying.
Wild. How did you feel about this, Derin?
Derin: I tried to explain that the rite was a tradition my family had followed for generations. It was about honouring something that’s deeply rooted in where I come from. But he didn’t understand. And It wasn’t just about him saying no, it was how he said it. It felt like he didn’t trust me or my family.
Were you aware of the dreams?
Derin: He didn’t tell me. I noticed he woke up in the middle of the night a few times, but I didn’t think much about it. Even then, I felt terrible about the whole thing. On one hand, I wanted to support Hassan and reassure him, but on the other hand, I couldn’t go against my family. I grew up with these traditions, so they weren’t strange, but I knew it was a lot for him to deal with.
Hassan: The dreams only stopped after I finally allowed them to go. But that experience changed something. It triggered an extreme level of fear. I started to feel like there were consequences for every decision I made, especially if it went against her family’s traditions.
Did you ever confide in your parents about what was happening, Hassan?
Hassan: I didn’t, which I regret. My parents had already expressed concerns about my marriage to Derin before the wedding. They thought the traditional demands might become overwhelming, and I didn’t want to confirm their fears by telling them what was happening.
How did you both move past that episode? Did it help you navigate future differences?
Hassan: It wasn’t easy. Even after Derin and the baby came back, there was an unspoken tension between us. I think, for a while, I was just going through the motions—being present as a husband and father but holding onto that fear and resentment.
Derin: I didn’t know how to bridge the gap. I kept thinking, “Was it the right decision to go? Did I choose my family over my marriage?” It was a lot to process, but talking about it really helped us.
Hassan: The conversations didn’t happen immediately. It took a few months, but we ultimately had a proper sit-down. I told her how I felt, the dreams, the fear of losing her and the baby to something I didn’t understand.
Derin: During that, I realised how much pressure my family put on him. It wasn’t just about the rites; it was about him feeling like he had no control over his own family. But then we agreed I was going to make an effort to meet him halfway.
How did you plan to do this, Derin?
Derin: I started being more proactive in explaining things to him over just expecting him to go along with it. Whenever something traditional comes up now, we discuss it first, and if he’s uncomfortable, we try to find a compromise.
Hassan: It’s a much better arrangement than what we had before. Although, I’ll say one thing the experience taught us was how to communicate even when it’s uncomfortable.
Derin: And it showed me that marriage isn’t just about love. It’s about finding ways to navigate the things that could tear you apart.
Awesome. What would you say is the best thing about being with each other?
Hassan: Her kindness. Derin is one of the most selfless people I’ve ever met. She puts others before herself, even when it’s not convenient for her. Whether it’s helping out a friend in need or going out of her way to make me feel loved, she has a unique way of making people feel seen and cared for. It’s something I deeply admire about her and one of the reasons I fell in love with her.
Derin: His patience. Hassan has stood by me through so much, dealing with the complexities of our marriage, and understanding who I am as a person. He’s never rushed me or made me feel like a burden. Instead, he’s given me space to grow and has supported me every step of the way. I’ll always be grateful for his ability to stay calm and grounded, even when things get tough. It’s a quality that’s made our relationship so much stronger.
I’m curious, Hassan. Does her kindness make it feel like she prioritises others over your family?
Hassan: Sometimes, yes. Her kindness can stretch her thin, and it feels like she’s prioritising others over us. But I know it’s not intentional; it’s just who she is. We’ve talked about finding balance, and she’s been working on setting boundaries. It’s a work in progress, but I wouldn’t trade her selflessness for anything.
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your love life?
Hassan: I’d say an 8. There’s room for improvement, but we’re happy.
Derin: It’s also an 8 for me. Our journey isn’t perfect, but it’s ours.
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