Whether it’s in response to a celebrity enjoying their life or a regular person minding their business, there’s a special way Instablog commenters type, and if you’ve spent even five minutes in the comment section of a post from the popular IG page, you know they mostly seem to follow the same unspoken rulebook.
If you’re looking to master their brand of chaos, here’s a step-by-step guide:
1. Every compliment must come wrapped in an insult
A true Instablog commenter never praises someone without adding shady subtext (or just a straight-up insult).
Scenario
Someone gets promoted.
Normal response: “Well deserved!”
Instablog response: “Congrats o! We all know it’s not only CV that got you there. Sha enjoy.”
Scenario
Someone goes on vacation.
Normal response: “Have fun!”
Instablog response: “Hope you’ve paid your staff salaries before flexing?”
2. Offer yourself as a social media tech feature
Instablog commenters are constantly trying to tell Zuckerberg how to run his platform. But since he probably doesn’t give a shit about them, they take matters into their hands by cosplaying as tech features.
Scenario
Someone ends their marriage.
Normal response: “Sad, I hope they find happiness.”
Instablog response: “Use me as the ‘God forbid’ button!”
Scenario
Someone gets scammed.
Normal response: “That’s unfortunate, hope they recover.”
Instablog response: “Use me as the ‘I can never fall for this’ button.”
3. Always ask unnecessary questions
In another life, Instablog commenters might have come as investigative journalists. But who says they can’t investigate even though, upon still? They want to know who, where, how, and why. And they’ll find out.
Scenario
A celeb buys a new car.
Normal response: “Congratulations!”
Instablog response: “Omo, no be last year this one dey shout ‘hustle o’? Where e see money?”
Scenario
Someone goes on a luxury vacation.
Normal response: “This looks amazing!”
Instablog response: “Oga, which visa you use? Abi na hookup work?”
4. Never verify information, just drop hot takes
Fact-checking is for beginners. Instablog commenters see a headline, jump to conclusions, and keep it moving.
Scenario
A celebrity gets engaged.
Normal response: “Congrats to them!”
Instablog response: “Na audio proposal. We dey wait for the breakup post.”
Scenario
A politician donates to charity.
Normal response: “Good initiative.”
Instablog response: “Laundry man dey disguise”
5. Assume everyone is lying until proven otherwise
A real Instablog commenter believes that every success story is a scam until further notice. Even in the face of evidence, their disbelief stays unshakeable.
Scenario
Someone loses weight.
Normal response: “Wow, you look great!”
Instablog response: “Stop lying abeg. Just talk true say na surgery you do.”
Scenario
Someone launches another business venture.
Normal response: “Amazing, well done!”
Instablog response: “Money laundering dey disguise.”
What do you do when you stumble on your parents embarrassing you online for a social media challenge? First, deactivate your accounts. But if that feels too extreme, we’ve put together practical tips to help you survive the embarrassment.
6. Every relationship conversation should end in a gender war
Instablog commenters can turn the most innocent relationship post into a battle of the sexes.
Scenario
A woman casually mentions her husband sponsored their vacation.
Normal response: “Love it for you.”
Instablog response: “When will Nigerian women spend their own money?”
Scenario
A man cooks for his girlfriend.
Normal response: “Men who can cook >>>”
Instablog response: “Simp detected.”
7. Your arrival is always a grand event
Before engaging in the comment section violence, you must first let people know you’ve arrived.
Scenario
A Nigerian musician dumps his wife for a baddie.
Normal response: “Wow. How did this happen?”
Instablog response: “Okada drop me here. Na here e dey happen.”
Scenario
Two popular Instagram besties unfollow each other.
Normal response: “God, abeg.”
Instablog response: “The gist never marinate. I go come back.”
8. Everyone is either “Oga” or “Madam”
In an Instablog comment section, even a five-year-old can be called ‘Oga’ if the commenter feels like it.
Scenario
Someone rocks a designer outfit.
Normal response: “You look amazing!”
Instablog response: “Madam, no be this same Gucci bag we see for Balogun?”
Scenario
Someone bags a first-class degree.
Normal response: “Congratulations!”
Instablog response: “Oga, na true first class or na ‘sorting’ first class?”
9. If a rich person complains, remind them they’re not suffering
Instablog commenters have no sympathy for rich people. They have only one mantra: eat the rich.
Scenario:
A trust fund kid innocently says he’s tired.
Normal response: “Hope you get some rest!”
Instablog response: “Tired of what? Try 9-5 with no salary.”
Scenario
A billionaire says they are depressed.
Normal response: “Mental health is important.”
Instablog response: “Just send me 1 million. Your sadness will reduce.”
10. Any bad news? Blame village people immediately
Instablog commenters believe spiritual forces are always at work.
Scenario
Someone gets robbed.
Normal response: “So sorry, hope you recover your things.”
Instablog response: “Your village people don finally catch you.”
Scenario
A couple breaks up.
Normal response: “Wishing them healing.”
Instablog response: “Her enemies have won.”
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