One sure way to show people on social media that you’re enjoying Detty December is by posting pictures from fancy restaurants. Even though Nigerian restaurants cost an arm, foot, liver, beard and edges, they’re the new December concerts, and there’s nothing we can do about it.
If, like me, you’re on a small budget, here are some tips on how to get the most out of your Detty December restaurant experience without using your family’s last born for rituals.
Ditch your broke friends
Sure, birds of the same feather flock together, but don’t you want to bamba and flock with the big birds? See, if you really want to enjoy the restaurant experience during Detty December, you need to let go of the broke people in your life and elevate to the IJGBs (with their pounds and dollars) and other rich people who can comfortably say, “Oh, I have it covered,” when the bill arrives.
You can go back to your broke friends in January. If they genuinely care about you, they wouldn’t mind. A win for one is a win for all.
Become a vegetarian
Restaurant food is expensive, but you see that extra protein on top? Omo, it’ll book you a first-class ticket to SAPA-land. You don’t need to have steak or prawns, dear. Tell the chef to make pasta with onions and Indomie spices. Oh, and no one will even try to drag you because being vegetarian is a cool kids’ thing these days. #PETA4Life
Eat before you leave your house
One thing about fancy Nigerian restaurants is they’ll serve you the same portion of food they’d serve a chihuahua (and add two or three leaves if you’re lucky). Restaurants are for vibes and aesthetics, not food. So if you don’t want to be unfortunate or tempted to order dessert, better do the right thing and boil small rice before you step out.
Take pictures before the bill comes
Nothing will ruin your mood faster than getting the bill. Trust me, I’m talking from experience. By the time you’ve looked at the food bill, service charge, VAT, Tinubu charge, VPN charge and Red Cross charge, all the vim you had to take pictures will disappear. Please, don’t waste your baff-up or money. Take those pictures before the bill arrives, to avoid stories that touch.
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Look for food-tasting events and crash it
It’s December, so you can be sure at least three or four new restaurants will open every weekend before we enter 2023. Whether you’re on the guest list or not, I suggest you find your way into those restaurants on opening day because most of the food will be free. Don’t tell anyone we told you. But most importantly, don’t you dare mention Zikoko if they catch you.
Tell people you’re on an alcohol cleanse
Who alcohol epp? Have you seen the price of cocktails these days? And all because they can light the drink on fire. No, thank you. Why pay ₦10k for a cocktail when you can buy cheap wine or make one of these crazy cocktails recommended by Zikoko writers in the comfort of your home. If people ask why you’re not drinking, tell them you’re on an alcohol cleanse or you’ve given your life to Christ.
Attend every family event
Will you have to endure your aunties and uncles asking you why you’re a single pringle? Yes. But is the food free? Also, yes. Has anyone ever died from insort? No. So, suck it up and go to big mummy’s house in Surulere for free food.
Flirt with the waiter
Like they say in Nollywood, “Scratch my back, and I’ll scratch your back.”
If you want portions that’ll fill one-quarter of your stomach and food that’ll come out on time so you can take pics for socials, you need to be on the waiter’s good side. All the shouting you’re doing to show yourself will only motivate them to spit in your food. A word is enough for the wise sha.
ALSO READ: The Zikoko Guide to Drinking at a Party
