I got into an argument with a friend last week about the greatness that is malt drinks. According to her the only people who drink malt are armed robbers and cultists. I countered this with ‘what the hell am I supposed to drink with Jollof rice and fried meat?’.
To her credit while some malt drinks in Nigeria taste like the nectar of the gods some should only be reserved for cultists and armed robbers. Which is why I’ve ranked every malt drink you can get in Nigeria today from the worst to the best.
Hi Malt
Hi Malt tastes like everything that’s wrong with this country and then some. It tastes like water used to rinse out the empty bottle of any other malt drink (except Beta Malt). It’s a mystery to me, how with the slew of other malt brands available in Nigeria Hi Malt manages to remain in business. That means people are waking up every day and making the voluntary decision to use their money to buy…Hi Malt. Mind-blowing.
Beta Malt
The Beta in Beta Malt’s name is ironic because the only thing it tastes better than is Hi Malt and that’s by a very slim margin. I think the fact that Beta Malt is huge in Ghana a country where egg kebabs exist should be warning enough that you can do better than Beta Malt.
Amstel Malta
My biggest problem with Amstel Malta is that there isn’t nearly enough sugar to satisfy my sweet tooth. From my very limited exposure to beer, Amstel Malta reminds me of beer a lot. Which is why it’s unsurprising that a lot of beer drinkers like it. But as for me and my sweet tooth, we shall pass.
Grand Malt
Grand Malt is a low sugar Malt drink that’s only a little better tasting than Amstel Malt. My theory about beer drinkers also applies here. People who love beer will love Grand Malt.
Maltina
You know how people settle for Pepsi when there isn’t Coca Cola. Maltina is like Pepsi. I see no reason for anyone to buy it if there’s Malta Guinness available. It tastes like a slightly watered-down version of the better malt drinks. But it would do in a fix.
Malta Guinness
Malta Guinness used to be my go-to before Dubic Malt came into the market a couple of years ago but it’s still an all-time favourite. Several lives ago Maltina might have been able to give Malta Guinness a run for its money but as at today, I’m pretty sure it’s the biggest Malt drink brand in the Nigerian market.
Dubic Malt
I didn’t know greatness could be improved upon until I tried Dubic Malt. It’s pretty much Malta Guinness raised to power 2. Which is unsurprising as they are made by the same manufacturers.
Honorary mention: Vital Malt
Who remembers Vital Malt? They went out of business in 2010 for reasons I’ll never understand. Nostalgia might be clouding my judgement but I remember it being pretty good.
