The Nigerian experience is physical, emotional, and sometimes international. No one knows it better than our features on #TheAbroadLife, a series where we detail and explore Nigerian experiences while living abroad.
Adeola (21), the subject of this week’s Abroad Life, has never had a boyfriend. She assumed her luck would change when she moved to Australia, but it’s been two years, and she still can’t figure out where the single men are. She discusses why she prefers male friends and doesn’t think dating apps or Nigerian men are for her.
Where do you live now, and how long have you been away from Nigeria?
I currently live in Queensland, Australia, and I left Nigeria in November 2022
What was the motivation behind your move?
There wasn’t any real motivation. My dad lives here, and he wanted me to join him.
How has life been since you moved?
Life has been good compared to when I was living in Nigeria. I couldn’t work in Nigeria, but I earn reasonably good money here. The only thing I don’t understand yet is where to find single men in Australia.
How come?
It’s not even just single men. I can’t find any Nigerian my age here. For the single guy’s thing, I’m not the only person that’s worried about it. All my immigrant friends can’t seem to find boyfriends, too, and I’m like, “What’s going on here?” It’s a problem for me—I don’t like clubbing or partying, so that might explain why I’m still single. But I’ve not seen any Nigerian person my age here.
How old are you?
I’m 21.
Interesting. Let’s talk a bit about your life in Nigeria. What did that look like, exactly?
It was pretty chill. I’m an only child, so there wasn’t much to it. I just wake up and sleep. Sometimes, I’ll go out with my mom or go to her shop. I was at a public university but didn’t get to do much there either because an ASUU strike started after I resumed.
Would you say you had more friends in Nigeria than you do now?
Oh, definitely. I had a good number of male friends. I met most of my male friends at the university. I didn’t have many friends in secondary school, so it was actually nice to connect with people at university. Leaving those friends I had managed to make was one of the saddest parts of relocating to Australia. They didn’t even know I was leaving them because I didn’t tell them I moved until a month later. You know how you’re not supposed to expose some things because of your village people.
Please share why telling your friends you were relocating could have jinxed it.
Ten years ago, I had the opportunity to travel. My mom and I told so many people, but it ended badly. When I was applying to move to Australia, our pastor told us not to tell anyone, so we didn’t. Australia is a hard place to get into, and even though we didn’t tell anyone, it was still hard to get in.
I’m glad it worked out for you. Were you in a relationship before you left Nigeria?
No, I wasn’t in. I believed in focusing on my studies, so I didn’t date anyone in Nigeria.
So, what changed when you moved to Australia?
The culture here encourages young people to date. I’m talking about starting from 15—or 14-year-olds. Everybody kind of expects you to have a boyfriend. Even my colleagues at work always ask if I’m dating.
What’s the reason why you haven’t found someone?
In Nigeria, people can approach and woo you anywhere, but they don’t do that here. They mostly use dating apps. Sometimes, you meet people in the club, but I don’t go to clubs. My white friends found their boyfriends in high school, and that’s not exactly a method I can recreate.
Have you tried using the dating apps?
I have tried dating apps, but I still don’t get them. I don’t even know what to write on my bio because it feels like I’m begging someone to date me. And I’m not like all those model-pretty girls you’ll see their profile pictures and go, “Oh, my God, she’s so pretty; let me ask for her number.” I always end up uninstalling the apps.
Is being in a relationship a priority to you?
Low key, I don’t want a relationship. What I’m looking for is male friends. I have a lot of female friends now, which is something I’m grateful for, but I’m not used to it. I’m just used to having male friends. Also, my female friends are not Nigerians, so it makes it easier to miss my friends back home.
So what you’re looking for is Nigerian friends?
I want someone who I can speak Yoruba or English to without faking an accent. I’m tired of putting on this accent. I want to crack jokes without explaining what the joke means, and that’s why I want a relationship.
What kind of man are you looking for?
I don’t want a Nigerian man.
I thought you said you were looking for people you can relate with
Yes, but not necessarily a Nigerian. I like BTS, so I’m more into Asian guys. I also don’t mind an Australian guy, but he must be at least six feet tall. I’m a bit tall, so I want someone taller. He must also be God-fearing and shouldn’t be a fan of clubbing. I also don’t want to date someone who likes dogs or is irreligious.
I’m curious: why don’t you want a Nigerian boyfriend?
I haven’t really met a Nigerian man who’s a good example of what a boyfriend should be. My male friends back home were great, but I don’t know what they are like in relationships. A lot of Nigerian men want to be respected just because they are men. But if I find a Nigerian man who thinks like a good person, I will give it a chance.
Thank you for sharing that. You mentioned moving to Australia to be with your dad; how’s that going?
We are not living together because he’s hard-headed, and I didn’t feel like putting up with it. He’s probably somewhere in the country, but I don’t know where he is precisely. He might be going through a midlife crisis. I lived with him and my stepfamily for about a year, but that didn’t work out for everybody because they wanted me to cook every day. I got tired of it and moved out.
What was his reaction to you moving out?
At first, my dad didn’t agree with me moving out, but I was keen on it. When I lived with him, he could walk into my room, find me sleeping, and ask me why I was asleep. These were things that even my mom didn’t use to do.
When I first talked about moving out, he said I’d only be allowed to leave whenever I get married. One day, he changed his mind for reasons I didn’t know and allowed me to move out. My dad is a very complicated human being, and he’s probably traumatized.
Do you mind explaining?
He was hospitalized and almost died; I think that messed with him. He’s been up and about since then, and I cannot be chasing after an adult. I’m sure he’s fine wherever he is.
Have you tried reaching out?
I’ve reached out to him. We even agreed to meet up for dinner but this man stood me up. Since then, I’ve allowed him to do whatever he wants. It’s not his first time leaving anyway—I didn’t know he was until I was 10, then he came back and left again for years, came back again with tears, talking about how he wanted to know his daughter because he was getting old. I didn’t trust him anyway.
When I came here, I thought everything would be chill, but he wanted to be forming big man, which made no sense because I didn’t ask him to bring me here. We clashed regularly because of it. I wouldn’t sit down and let him talk to me anyhow. That’s one of the reasons why I moved out; I needed that space. The distance is good for us because we can’t live under the same roof. It just won’t work.
I’m sorry to hear that. Is your mom still in Nigeria?
Yes. My relocation was a bit hard for her to process. She’s very introverted, so I was her go-to person—when I got here, she used to call me too often. We ended up fighting about it, but things are better now. I’ve been trying to explore options to help her move here. It might not happen anytime soon, though, but she’s looking forward to it.
I hope it works out. What are some culture shocks you’ve experienced in Australia?
Kids talk back at their parents here. The way people dress is also shocking; I am all about body positivity, but there’s a need to dress appropriately when you’re going out.
Another culture shock would be the fact that children date here. For example, 14-year-old kids who don’t know what life is yet are allowed to date.
You mentioned that your friends are not Nigerians; how do these friendships work?
I have to code-switch now and then. If I’m talking to my Australian friends, I talk a certain way. If I’m talking to my Indian friends, I can speak casually. My best friend is Australian, and she’s a charming person.
Do you have any plans to move back to Nigeria in the future?
I don’t want to move back, but I want to visit. I’m very hungry for Nigerian food; I’m tired of eating bland white people’s food. If I had the money, I would come back home just for the food, even if it’s just for one day.
On a scale of one to 10, how happy would you say you are in Australia?
9.5. I’m happy to be here. I don’t have to stress about somebody kidnapping me when I’m going to another state. It’s a chill place.
Do you want to share your Abroad Life story? Please reach out to me here. For new episodes of Abroad Life, check in every Friday at 12 PM (WAT).
