The Nigerian experience is physical, emotional, and sometimes international. No one knows it better than our features on #TheAbroadLife, a series where we detail and explore Nigerian experiences while living abroad.
Moving abroad was a dream come true for 21-year-old Ofonime, lawyer-turned-psychologist and the subject of this week’s Abroad Life, but that dream turned into her worst nightmare when the relative who promised to give her a soft landing in America threw her out for refusing an arranged marriage and left her alone to figure out life as an immigrant that knew nobody in the US.
When did you move to the US?
I came to the US in July 2022 when I was 19 but I’m 21 now. I left Nigeria because an aunt said she wanted to take care of me and sponsor me.
That’s a good thing, right?
It was until it wasn’t anymore. Let me start with a little backstory — I grew up with my stepfather and mother. I never knew my biological father because my mum left him before I turned one. I never met or knew anyone from his family until I snooped around and found out when I was 8. My mum eventually told me everything about them at 13. So I knew my biological father’s side of the family existed but I wasn’t keen on connecting with them because my stepfather loved me like his own and I never felt the absence of a father.
Sometime in 2021, my biological father’s sister who lives in the U.S. texted me randomly. She had been trying to connect with me since I was a little girl but she couldn’t reach my mum. I was a 300l law student at the University of Uyo at the time. We spoke for a while, then she asked me to come to the US because of the ASUU strike. I was a little bit happy about the idea but my mum already had plans of sponsoring me to the UK for my masters after law school. Then my aunt said she’d sponsor me because she doesn’t have any children.
It felt really good to hear her say that. I remember writing in my old diary that I wanted to connect with one of my father’s relatives at the age of 18. When she reached out, I thought that was God granting my wish. So I started applying to schools in the US, I got admission, got my visa on the first trial, and then I started preparing to move to the US.
You must have been excited…
Not really. Funding was still a problem. My mum booked my flight, paid my visa fees, and the first instalment of my school fees
Didn’t your aunt say she was going to sponsor you?
Oh, she asked my mum to pay and promised to refund her when I got to the US. She said she’d also pay other instalments. That didn’t happen because she ended up paying just one instalment. My school allows students to split payment in up to 5 instalments. My mom ended up paying for every other instalment.
Wait, what?
Yeah. My aunt was the only one I knew in the US, and she chose what school I should go to and which state I should live in — I ended up in Michigan where she lives.
When I was leaving Nigeria, she told me not to bring anything but I was sceptical about that and came with a small box full of clothes. She also told me not to bring my Infinix phone from Nigeria. She gave me her old iPhone 7 and told me she was waiting for the iPhone 14 to be released so she could buy that for me. She also promised to buy every other thing I needed. The only thing I had to my name was that box and the $300 allowance my mum gave me.
Did she insist on buying you stuff to make it easier for you to move?
That’s what I thought, but everything changed after the first month. I started noticing that she was trying to turn 19-year-old me into her child. She asked me to start calling her mum and her husband “dad”.
Oh…
Yeah. Her excuse was that she was going to adopt a child in the coming year and would like them to call them mum and dad so she figured I could start the tradition so the child could pick it up from me. I thought it was a stupid reason but I didn’t know anybody else in the US so I tried my best to call her mum. On the days that I forgot to do that, she wouldn’t respond to me. She made it compulsory to text her in the morning and evening.
She had strange rules, like not letting me read in my room, only downstairs. Michigan was cold, but her house was even colder. I didn’t mind until I noticed that she never liked to lower the AC, even when I asked. So I started taking pictures of my books to read on my phone upstairs.
Another weird rule she had was not allowing me to make friends with Nigerians because she thought it was stupid to leave Nigeria just to be hanging out with Nigerians. The people who ended up helping me here were Nigerians. I had a friend who would feed me because my aunt also restricted me from eating Nigerian food in her house. Even though she knew American food made me throw up.,
Ah, no way…
It gets worse from here. She tried to marry me off. In August 2022, she told me she had a friend who she’d made a pact with to marry into each other’s family. When I heard that, I had no issues with it but the problem came when my aunt wanted to use me to fulfil that pact because she didn’t have kids.
Mind you this boy was a 19-year-old, fresh out of high school. I was a 19-year-old who would have been in law school if not for ASUU strikes. I disagreed and said I wasn’t interested and I didn’t come here for that.
Yet, every time it came up and I refused, she’d hint about how the marriage could help me get a green card, which I found strange because I planned to go to school and eventually manage my mother’s school as a school/clinical psychologist.
Did she back off?
For a while, yes. Then she started getting angry about other things like how I called my stepfather my “dad”. She’d also get angry if I talked about him too much, and I couldn’t help it because I’m very close to my dad.
In December 2022 I started preparing for my maths exam. For context, I’m not great at maths so I needed to study but she had an errand for me and I told her I’d do it, just not during the weekend of my maths exam. She agreed but when I returned home that weekend, she asked me to run that errand. I tried explaining that I had exams but she got upset, saying she loves me but I make it hard for her to love me. In the morning, I asked her if she needed help with anything before I left for the library, she replied with a no and then said the most random thing.
What did she say?
She asked me to pack my bags because I was returning to school. Deep down I was happy because I could finally prepare for my exams but I sensed something was wrong. She insisted that I go back to school and didn’t even give me time to eat before leaving. I felt so bad that I told my mum about it, then my mum called her to find out what happened and two days later, she called me back saying my aunt wanted me to go and pick up the rest of my things.
She kicked you out?
Kinda, yes. She said I could no longer live with her but would be happy to help me pay my first rent. Later, she changed her mind and said she’d bring my stuff over to my school.
When she brought my things to school, she came with a friend and I noticed it was only the stuff I brought from Nigeria- she took back everything she had ever bought for me, including the iPhone 14 and an iPad. Luckily, the iPad was in my hostel room, but I had the phone in my pocket.
While I was still trying to speak with my aunt, her friend snatched the phone from my pocket. I told her the phone had important things on it like my school codes, a link to my school portal, and my exam materials. I said she could take the phone but asked for some time to transfer those things first.
Did you know why she was doing all of that?
My aunt didn’t say anything but her friend said it was because she brought me from Nigeria to polish my life and I started being anyhow.
First of all, there was no polishing; my parents were rich by Nigerian standards, and they could afford to send me to good schools and buy whatever I wanted. I also had a small business that brought me ₦40,000 – ₦30,000 weekly. My dad gave me allowances regularly, but I didn’t even need to spend it because my mum worked in my school so I could go to her office for anything.
I asked my aunt to let me transfer my stuff from the phone and they could take it. She agreed, but you know that thing that Nigerian parents do when they ask you to go and wear your slippers and come back?
Did she take off?
Her car was gone before I got to my hostel room; I felt so helpless. I didn’t know what to do, so I ran to the campus police to report what happened. I fainted before I could even get there and when I woke up, I was in an ambulance, calling out for my mum. The police got involved after I regained consciousness and tried to help me get back the important things I had on the phone but they couldn’t get the phone because it was bought in her name. I ended up missing that maths exam but thankfully, my maths professor allowed me to write it before the end of the semester..
When school was about to close for Christmas break, my mum started looking for a place I could stay because I was technically homeless at that point. Then my mum’s friend in Houston offered to take me in and I stayed there throughout the break.
I’m happy you had someone to help you.
She’s family now. I also had the support of my boyfriend who found me a job in Maryland and connected me to a woman who’s now like my mum in the US. I haven’t spoken to my aunt in two years.
Good for you.
Not entirely. I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Disorder (PTSD), major depressive disorder (MDD) and generalised anxiety disorder (GAD). I’m currently on pills because even anything that smells like her perfume or any house that looks like hers triggers me.
Because of my experiences with her, I now go temporarily blind and break out in hives in a stressful situation. The first time it happened, I just started praying that I wouldn’t become permanently blind because I didn’t have enough money to go to the hospital. I was still paying off the bills from the ambulance I was put into without my permission, which was over $1,000.
Thankfully, I started doing well last year; I was lucky to get a job and scholarship that are paying my school fees this year and I’ve made a lot of friends here too. I also started an NGO in Nigeria that focuses on mental health awareness and yes, I got myself another iPhone 14 and a MacBook Air. I just got myself everything I wanted and started sending money back home.
Love that for you. I’m curious though, how did your parents feel about everything your aunt did?
When my aunt started acting out, my parents asked if I was helpful in her house. I told them that I was doing chores I’d never have done in Nigeria just to make sure that I was not a burden to her. So we all agreed that we’d keep hoping for the best.
But when I told my mum that my aunt started getting pissed at me whenever I talk about loving my family, my mum got concerned. She advised me to endure for a while, get the university degree I came to the US for and come back home. But things never got better and I saw a side of my mum that broke my heart.
So sorry. Do you mind explaining more?
Sorry if I get emotional, it’s still a heavy topic for me. My dad has always been the sensitive one and my mum the tough one. She never cried but the day I ended up in the ambulance, I saw her mum cry for the first time, also, the events of that day made her hypertensive.
When that whole thing happened, everybody in my family was supportive- my mum, dad, siblings and aunties made it a tradition to call me every day; my other aunt didn’t have a lot but she’d send $10 or $20 whenever she could. My mum had to sell all her land to pay my school fees and she also took out loans which she’s now still repaying.
Even though I can now pay my school fees myself, my mum is still worried about me. For instance, I love tying Ankara wrappers when I’m alone at home but if my mum calls me and sees me wearing a wrapper, she starts crying because she thinks I wear that because I can’t afford regular clothes. The whole situation made her so emotional, that she started crying almost every day.
My entire family has been affected too- my brother called me one time and told me that they had stopped eating their food with protein because of the loans my mum was paying off. My heart broke so badly and I had to send money home.
I’m so sorry. How has this experience shaped your perception of the US?
I want to go back home. America is a very lonely place, there’s no community and nobody cares about you. Everyone is struggling, but they’d rather struggle alone.
The only reason I’m still here is because I want to be established enough before I move back to Nigeria. I wouldn’t even want my kids to grow up here. Apart from the gun violence, it’s a super lonely place.
Also, when you earn the money here, you don’t see it. I made lots of money over the summer but I ended up paying almost everything to the government in taxes; you have to pay for heat, water, nylon, literally everything. I’d rather stay in Nigeria and earn in dollars.
I recently got a car and insurance is expensive as shit. I had to hop on my boyfriend’s insurance plan. Also, every time I fell sick, I couldn’t go to the hospital because of how expensive health insurance is. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t advise a 19-year-old to come here if they don’t have super-rich parents or a well-paying job. This is not a great place to start afresh.
Let’s talk more about happy memories, how did you meet your boyfriend?
I met him on Twitter before I left Nigeria. I was trying to break into tech and someone pointed me to him. When I moved to the US, he was already here and we became friends. But we didn’t start dating until December 25, 2022. Just a few days after my aunt kicked me out.
When we started dating, he was supportive; he’d send me money every week. Even though we stayed in different states in the US, he’d order and send foodstuff t to me. He also calls my mum regularly to reassure her that I’m doing okay. If I didn’t have him, I’d have made progress but it would have been slower.
I was initially scared of letting him know that I was diagnosed with mental disorders but when I eventually told him, he took it well. The second time I went blind was in his house, he got really scared but tried to stay calm enough for both of us. He took me to the hospital and paid the bill. He has now put me on his health insurance so I can go to the hospital whenever I want to.
I’m glad to hear that. Have you started eating Nigerian food again?
Yes, I started eating strictly Nigerian food when I became free from my aunty’s shackles. I cook okra, oha, afang, jollof rice, Nigerian salad, and literally everything else. These days, I even wake up happily at midnight to eat eba.
Do you want to share your Abroad Life story? Please reach out to me here. Check in every Friday at 12 P.M (WAT) for new episodes of Abroad Life.
