The Nigerian experience is physical, emotional, and sometimes international. No one knows it better than our features on #TheAbroadLife, a series where we detail and explore Nigerian experiences while living abroad.
This week’s Abroad Life features a 25-year-old woman trying to navigate life in the UK after her husband disappeared on her. She shares what it’s been like living with her supportive brother-in-law without her parents’ knowledge and her ongoing struggle to make sense of her marital status.
When did you decide to leave Nigeria and where do you live now?
I wasn’t planning to leave Nigeria, but life happened. I live in the United Kingdom now.
What do you mean when you say life happened?
As I said, I didn’t plan to leave Nigeria, but in 2023, I met a guy on Facebook– He sent me a DM, and I could tell from his profile that he lived in the UK. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, but I wasn’t against the idea either, so we started talking every day. It was a normal talking stage, but I almost ended things before they even started.
What happened?
He told me he was 37, but I did my own digging and found out that he was actually 42. I wasn’t comfortable with the fact that he lied, but I called him out on it, and he apologised.
How old were you at the time?
I was 24. His age wasn’t a dealbreaker for me because we connected on the same emotional and intellectual level. What I had a problem with initially was the fact that he lied so early in the talking stage. I took a break, but after a few days and several apologies from him, I cooled off, and we started talking again. He asked me to be his girlfriend in October, and I said yes.
Before you met him physically?
Yes. Everything felt so right at the time. Sometimes, I’d even forget that he was in the UK because he was still a very present part of my life. I could be having a bad day, and he would send me a surprise gift. He prioritised regular communication, so we didn’t ever have any of those “why didn’t you pick my call?” arguments. Plus, I was in my final year of university, so it wasn’t like I had time to be in a physical relationship anyway.
Okay, valid.
Yeah but to be fair, I don’t think I was doing a good job at schooling with or without a relationship. So I had three carryovers in my final year, and it became an automatic extra year for me. I was too embarrassed to tell my parents; it was even more embarrassing to tell my boyfriend because we had only been dating for about two months at the time. But one of my closest friends asked me to tell him so I did. He took the news well, and he offered a solution.
What was the solution?
He suggested that I join him in the UK. He has always been straightforward about wanting me to move in with him so that wasn’t the first time he brought it up, but that was the first time I considered it. I knew by then that either a failed course or an ASUU strike was going to make me spend more than one extra year in school.
We talked about what our lives would look like in the UK and how he would support me if I decided to study there. It didn’t sound like a bad idea, so I agreed. After that conversation, he introduced me to his sister and told me he would visit Nigeria in December to meet my parents so things got more serious from there. That December, he met my parents and sisters; I had already told them about him so nobody was surprised. He stayed the night, but we had a misunderstanding that night.
Do you mind sharing what happened?
So I was practising abstinence at the time, and he wanted to get intimate. I told him I was waiting till marriage and we argued about it because it wasn’t really something that came up in our conversations before that day. The next day, he said he was fine with waiting till marriage. He also said there was no point in wasting time since our relationship was already getting pretty serious and we already met each other’s family and loved each other.
He asked me to marry him that day, and I said yes. Since he was already around, he suggested getting married immediately, and my parents agreed. We ended up having our traditional marriage two days after the proposal and our court wedding the following month.
Were you comfortable with how fast things were moving?
I was. He actually wanted us to do everything quickly so we could apply for my visa and move to the UK with him as a dependant. We started the application after our court wedding, but at some point, I was no longer sure if he still wanted to go through with the move.
Why not?
So we had another misunderstanding. After we got married officially, we decided to find a mini flat to live in together pending the time we can both move to the UK together. Before then, I was living with my parents, and he was staying in a hotel because neither of us planned for the wedding to happen when it did.
We got the mini flat and had sex for the first time as a married couple. Apparently, he assumed that I was a virgin because I was waiting till marriage and felt betrayed when he realised that I wasn’t one. That was the first time I saw him as the 40-something-year-old man he was because who gets upset about virginity? I could have communicated better, but I had no idea that he thought I was a virgin. That was the last time we had sex too.
Oh
When the arguments started, some part of me thought he was joking because it didn’t make sense but he started giving me the cold shoulder, so I tried apologising even though I still wasn’t sure what I did wrong. I explained to him that abstinence was a personal choice I made a few years back and if I had known that it was a virgin he was looking for, I would have never agreed to marry him. The apologies lasted for over a month, but I don’t think it was something he could live with. He moved out of the flat and went back to the UK the following month. I called his family, and they assured me he would come around soon, but he didn’t. He stopped picking up my calls and responding to my texts. The only time he responded was when I told him that the visa got approved and I could finally join him in the UK– all I got was a thumbs-up emoji; he didn’t ask how I would pay for my flight, or when I was going to arrive or anything. But his sister and brother were so supportive. His brother booked my flight and picked me up from the airport when I moved to the UK.
So what about your husband?
He knows I’m in the UK, but I haven’t seen him since I arrived. He’s also aware that his brother paid for everything and I’ve been living with him since then, but he still hasn’t reached out. Sometimes, his brother tells me that he asked about me, but that’s all. My brother-in-law has been nice and said it’s okay to stay with him until whenever my husband comes around.
Do you have a backup plan?
I don’t have a backup plan for now, but I’m not returning to Nigeria. My parents still think we’re together because I told them that I was moving to the UK to live with him. They have no idea that I’m living with his brother. My sister is the only person that knows what’s really going on. His brother is currently trying to help me get a job, and he’s mentioned me going back to school once or twice now. That’s the closest thing to a backup plan I have at this time. His brother has been paying all my bills, but I’m not sure how long that will last. If I get the job, I’ll probably go back to school. I’m hoping my husband comes around because I haven’t fully processed the idea that I might be getting a divorce at 25. I’ve been sending him texts, and his brother has been trying to talk to him too but so far, nothing.
I’m sorry to hear that. How has life in the UK been so far?
It’s been hell. I cry more than I laugh these days. I don’t know anybody here except my husband’s family. My husband is acting like I don’t exist, my parents think I’m living with my husband, and I’m no longer sure I’m married. I can’t say that I’ve experienced what life in the UK should look like because I’m mostly in my brother-in-law’s house. Maybe when I get that job and know where my life is going, I’ll have a better answer.
On a scale of 1-10, how happy are you with abroad life?
Probably 2. But I know things will get better soon.
Do you want to share your Abroad Life story? Please reach out to me here. For new episodes of Abroad Life, check in every Friday at 12 PM (WAT).
