Nigerian politicians are one of two things: comic book villains who do nothing for their people or natural-born comedians who are bad at politics but have rich entertainment value. It’s rare to be both, but Governor Ben Ayade of Cross River State is one of those special characters.
He’s either five minutes away from crying or breaking into a dance
Since he became governor in 2015, Ayade’s most defining legacy is turning budget presentations into spectacles because of how ridiculously he names them every year. Following the recent presentation of his last budget as governor, it’s only fitting to rate how we feel about all eight of the names he gave his budgets.
Budget of Deep Vision — 4/10
Ayade presented his first budget in 2016 and you could tell he wasn’t yet sure whether to show everyone his weird ways. So, he played it safe and ended up with a name even an amateur motivational speaker would give some colour.
Budget of Infinite Transposition — 6/10
By 2017, Ayade had developed the confidence to be more experimental. So he transposed into an infinite lovable circus clown who gave the budgets more aesthetics than substance. Things only got weirder from then on.
Budget of Kinetic Crystallisation — 8/10
Before he fell for the temptation of politics, Ayade was already a professor of science, and this 2018 budget name feels like he forgot for a minute he’s no longer inside the lecture theatre. The people of Cross River asked for a budget to make their lives better and he gave them a science buzzword.
Budget of Qabalistic Densification — 9/10
This 2019 budget sounds like the theme for a party of ritualists on a full moon night when Mercury is in Obalende. It’s also not a coincidence this was the year COVID rose from the pits of hell and started showing the world shege. Governor Ayade, what did you do!
Budget of Olimpotic Meristemasis — 11/10
It’s difficult to explain but this 2020 budget name is Ayade’s magnum opus in the same way the Mona Lisa is the toast of the art world. There’s something about the melody of “Olimpotic Meristemasis” that oozes the eliteness of pounded yam mixed with the audacity of egusi soup.
Ayade’s rent was due when he made this poetic beauty and this is why he’ll be remembered as one of the greatest to walk the hall of Nigerian politics. Sike.
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Budget of Blush and Bliss — 6/10
If you ever wanted to create a make-up brand and are struggling with a business name, Ayade helped out with this 2021 budget name. But it’s a lame follow-up to “Olimpotic Meristemasis”. It sounds like something he heard teenagers say during a school visit to the Government House. The only saving grace here is the alliteration, else this would have been a 4/10. We expect better, Mr Governor.
Budget of Conjugated Agglutination — 9/10
There’s something deliberately wicked about this budget name that it feels like a Harry Potter spell. “Conjugated agglutination” sounds like a curse you scream at the driver who cut you off in traffic, your internet service provider, or your boss who set up a one-hour meeting for what could have been an email.
Budget of Quantum Infinitum — 7/10
Let’s just say we expected more from Ayade’s final budget. “Quantum Infinitum” sounds like something a cartoon character would scream right before they fart, because the writers have no respect for the little children watching.
Ayade could have raided Patrick Obahiagbon’s word bank and given us tastier names like, “Budget of Veritable Bugaboo,” “Budget of Ossifying Proclivities,” “Budget of Veritable Verification of the Verity,” “Budget of Metagrabolised Melancholia,” “Budget of Modus Vivendi,” or “Budget of Hierophantic Candour”.
Hopefully, the next Cross River State governor is taking notes?
No one really knows Ayade’s motivation for these budget names, but they were provocative and entertaining and offered hope in a gloomy world. Thank you for your service, Sir Ayade.
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