Fuel is now more valuable than gold. Everybody wants it, but only a select few can afford or even access it.
While we wait on fuel queues for the federal government and petroleum marketers to clear up this problem, I’ve devised easy ways for you to get fuel in this season. Walk with me.
Get pregnant
I don’t mean actual pregnancy. Just fold ten wrappers, roll them and arrange them under one big maternity gown. Now add the tired sighs, a squeezed face and the pregnancy waddle for a little razzle-dazzle. And voila! You’re nine months pregnant. When people see you at the petrol station, they’ll push you to the front fast and you’ll be out in no time.
Try body odour
Once people perceive the strong stench from you, they’ll make way. Either they move or faint — it’s a win-win situation.
Forget class. Become a tout
This might backfire because this scarcity has increased the “ment” level of the average Nigerian. But if your ment is crazier, you will overcome. Find one torn tee and stained ripped jeans, then pick up the nastiest attitude you have. Insult anybody, push them around too and look at them like they can’t do shit because you’re the liquid metal. You might get beaten, but it’s worth a try.
Flirt with the fuel attendant
Lick your lips the right way and wink like Funke Akindele in Jenifa.You’ll either get the attendant’s attention or seduce someone into giving you fuel. That’s if they have time to look at your face sha.
Step in as an odogwu
If everyone buys fuel at ₦1000 per litre, offer ₦3000. Let them know who’s boss. No need for cho cho cho, show workings straight away. Wear your Christmas clothes and put on the pride of Odumeje.
Borrow military uniforms
My job isn’t to tell you where to borrow it from. Just find one, wear it and walk straight to the front of the queue. People will probably murmur, but that’s not your business. If real soldiers catch you sha, I didn’t give you this advice.
Date a fuel attendant
This is the best time to have a boyfriend or girlfriend who works in oil and gas, A.K.A fueling station. You won’t even bother about paying, talk less of queuing. You’ll get home delivery like the king/queen you are.
Ask for help from the animal kingdom
Animals in Nigeria are notorious for taking things they’re not meant to. Examples are the snake that swallowed ₦36 million and the monkey that took government funds. Enter the forest and beg one of them to help you retrieve as many litres as you need to survive.
Don’t waste this advice. If you think none of these work for you, at least share it to save someone’s life.
