Women are often overlooked in conversations about marital infidelity due to the misconception that they are less inclined to cheat on their spouses. I spoke to six married women who had engaged in relationships without their husbands’ knowledge, and they shared some intriguing stories of infidelity.
Editorial note: This article was updated to include Chidinma’s entry which was omitted in error.
Betty
Before I got married, I discovered that my fiance was a liar and a cheat. The feeling I felt, omo, I swore never to let myself feel that way ever again. I went on to marry him less than a year ago. Sounds strange, but the discovery killed any true love I had for him, but I didn’t want to start over with someone who would end up breaking my trust again. With this clarity, I began to flirt with some guys. So far, all I’ve had is phone sex with one of them. I actually plan to have sex with this new guy next year lol. By then, I’ll have lost some weight so the unveiling will be bomb as fuck. As for my marriage, we go dey alright last last. My previous definition of love ended up being a major scam. I ain’t a sucker for love anymore.
P.S: my new guy is also married. I find they are the best ones to have an affair with because everybody has something to lose, so no long thing.
Omotola
I had been dating for seven years when I met Mr C, who made me feel like I meant the world to him. During this period, I had a feeling my husband (boyfriend at the time) was cheating, so I went through his BBM and sure enough, saw incriminating things. I capitalised and asked for a break to think about things, even though he denied cheating. At this juncture, I started sleeping with Mr C and I felt like I had met my soulmate. I was kinda juggling two men.
I wanted to marry Mr C but I was forced into this marriage eight years ago. I was in such a bad place that, before the wedding, I decided that I would continue sleeping with Mr C. This continued for a year until my husband caught me. He was livid and felt like shit. I didn’t even know he had found out. It took him a while after he found out to bring it up with me. He had suspected I was up to something when I told him I was going to visit a friend for the weekend and followed me and found where I went to. Weirdly, he didn’t say anything the entire weekend even though we were chatting. He confronted me a few weeks later. Oh my, I was sure he was going to ask for a divorce but he didn’t.
That episode really broke him. I know I broke him. He never saw me the same way again, and we had known each other for seven years before we married. After that, I stopped seeing Mr C for about a year but picked up again because, tbh the sex was amazeballs. I eventually called it quits about a year ago when I relocated.
Oyin
I’ve been married for five years. The affair started in a stupid way, really. My ex kept texting me, telling me he missed me. Me I won’t lie, I missed him too, even before he texted me, but I didn’t miss him enough to cheat. He had shown some interest in some properties I was looking to sell so I decided to meet up with him without telling my husband. We met a couple of times but we remained civil. He didn’t know I was married and I opted not to mention it at first, but I told him when we met up. People weren’t aware that I was married; we chose not to announce our legal wedding because it was for relocation purposes. It was a quick wedding, to be honest.
After seeing a couple of times, the emotions became overwhelming. One day, we had sex. I felt really guilty about it but I couldn’t tell my husband the truth. We still needed to work together so it happened again. We used to meet up in the same house he lived when we were dating, which wasn’t a great idea at all. My husband eventually found out through my emails. I was quite absent from our home, so he felt a nudge to look through my emails and he found something incriminating. He was distraught, but he forgave me.
I made up my mind to discipline myself when I saw the hurt I put my husband through. I never went close to my ex again because I set up an accountability structure with my husband and it hasn’t happened since. We even had to change churches because my ex was a member of our church. My husband suggested it to completely eliminate the possibility of running into him, although it’s a big church. Seeing as I had already put him through enough, I couldn’t object. I love him too much to put him through that kind of pain again. I can’t go close to my ex anymore. I have a soft spot for him so I can’t put myself in that position again.
Above all, I’m grateful for my husband. He’s always trying to protect my reputation and has never mentioned it to anyone. I love him to the moon because of this. Overcommunication was key to the healing process. Four years and one child later, we are happy.
Laila
I’ve been married since 2009 and I’ve never been faithful, even when I was on the dating scene. As a married woman, I feel unfulfilled. My husband is wonderful and sweet but he’s not an intellectual and I’m really attracted to intelligence in a man.
I cheat and I’ve always cheated. I can’t admit this publicly but I’ve always found the idea of monogamy unattractive. If I married an adventurous person, maybe I wouldn’t cheat. My husband is stable and all but he’s boring and mundane.
I currently have three boyfriends. I have sex constantly with the first one and almost no sex at home. The second is a friend-with-benefits but he lives in a different part of Nigeria. As for the third, I love him. He’s married too but I think he’s my soulmate. He’s intellectual and sexually adventurous. Of course, I still cheat on him from time to time, especially when he’s busy with work or family but I feel he’s the only one who gets me. I wish I could be with him in a socially-acceptable way.
Moremi
I’m married with kids and my husband and I love each other but I don’t feel like he listens or hears me. He doesn’t spend time with me and I’ve spent years complaining about this. He changes for a few weeks and then reverts to normal. So I needed someone to talk to.
Roi and I started out just talking a few hours every day on life issues, on everything and anything. Now we’ve caught feelings, even though he’s married too. We reconnected a year ago and we’ve seen each other a few times since then. We have very magnetic chemistry. It has taken the grace of God not to have sex for this long, but that grace is no longer sufficient.
He is mindful of me, pays attention and listens to me. He knows me well; he hears what I’m thinking and feeling. We spend endless hours on the phone each week. Because we grew up in the same neighbourhood and he’s a childhood friend, he’s known me all my life. We never dated. He had a crush on me when we were teenagers but he never asked me out.
I feel alive and loved. I feel beautiful. If you ask me, this affair has been great for my marriage. I’ve had more sex with my husband since I reconnected with Roi. Since the desirable is not available, I’ve been initiating sex more. Once I’ve spoken to him for hours, he leaves me with such a warm feeling that everyone who annoys me gets a pass, including my husband, so less fights. We talk about everything, even things we can never tell our spouses. He’s very mature, helpful with my work, kids and even helps settle issues I have with my husband.
If someone told me that I’d ever be in this situation, I’d say never. Neither of us intends to leave our marriages but we intend to be in each other’s lives for the rest of our lives. The affair is currently purely emotional because we are in different countries. It helps that we are in different countries, else we would have been caught. It’s sweet but heartbreaking at the same time, not being with someone you love. Also confusing because we both love our spouses, just not the same way we love each other. I’ve been married for 11 years and him, for 15.
We’ve been fighting the sexual attraction for over a year. We’ve both admitted that we’ve failed. It’s only COVID that’s keeping us apart. I’ll be shocked if we survive another physical date without sex. I am unashamedly looking forward to it and I won’t feel guilty. I’ve decided that I deserve to be happy. We worry about getting caught though. It’s easier to forgive a cheating spouse when it’s just sex. It’ll be difficult for our spouses to find out we share such a bond and connection outside of them.
Chidinma
I got married six years ago and I’ve had two affairs. I met my lover at the bank where I worked back then. I really liked him and I think he liked me too but I never told him I was married. We just connected so well and he was so much fun. I didn’t really have any reason to cheat, I was just bored and I regretted marrying early at 23.
He later found out I was married. I felt bad because he didn’t find out from me. There were many times I wanted to tell him I was married, but I was afraid of what he’d think of me. When he asked why I didn’t tell him about my marriage, I had no real reason. I actually didn’t want him to think of me as a bad girl. We met a few times and we had sex for the last time and never met again. I actually love him and I’m trying really hard to forget him. The last time we spoke, he said “I trusted you.” That broke me. I don’t regret cheating with him. As a matter of fact, if I had met him earlier, I would have married him. He even asked if I was willling but I laughed it off.
The second affair was an ex from the university. This guy made me feel I was unfair to him because while we dated in the university, we never had sex. So I thought “Why not give ourselves closure?” So we had sex once and that was it. This guy really guilt-tripped me into feeling terrible about the past. I did it for closure. I’ve realised it’s not my business what he thinks about me. Whatever it is, let him take it up with Jesus. I’m not the cause of the problems in his life.
He wanted to make it a constant thing but I shut him out. You know what they say about men; give them a rope and they would skip. Sleeping with him was just a really stupid thing to do. To me, it never happened. If I ever see him in public, I am so going to deny knowing him. I hope he responds with the same energy too, so that he can save himself from embarrassment..
I currently have no extramarital affair now and I do not plan to have any in the future. It’s stressful; I can only keep up with so many lies and hiding. Also, I have two kids and can’t continue cheating. I regret cheating on my husband. If he finds out, I don’t know what he’s capable of. He says he loves me, but I don’t think so. I think he just married me because he had to get married as he is nine years older than me. I realised this much later. But then, nothing justifies cheating.
Read: 8 Nigerian Married Men Discuss Cheating On Their Wives
QUIZ: How Often Do You Cheat In Relationships?
Don’t ask how we know. Just take the quiz.
COMPONENT NOT FOUND: donation
