Period apps are like the ‘oyinbo’ version of an aunty we can never relate to in Nigeria. She’s so sweet with her notifications — Nigerian aunties chose violence. If Nigerian aunties took over the period apps, these are some of the notifications women would be getting.
1. “Guard your virginity. Don’t disgrace your family outside.”
This is for when it’s your safe period to have sex. A Nigerian aunty will never pass up the opportunity to tell you to remember the home you came from. There might even be a feature to drag your ears.
2. “You’re ripe enough. When will you give us grandchildren?”
Once you’re above 25, the notification for ovulation period will start changing. It’s either this one or “Let me introduce you to my friend’s son. He’s a doctor.” Then she’ll show you the statistics of all your mates getting married.
3. “I hope you’re wearing pant today sha.”
This is for all the ladies that hate wearing pant. A few days to your period and our Nigerian version of Aunty Flo will be shouting. Stop stressing her please.
4. “Are you the first woman with period cramps, stop complaining.”
If an aunty doesn’t invalidate your pain, she’s not Nigerian at all. They’re own is to be shouting “Are you the first woman to ….” up and down.
5. “Ehm madam. Why is your period late? Explain.”
LOL. The app can deck you if you forget to update the app on day 1 of your period.
6. “Just look at your stomach. At your age I was trekking from Cotonou to Nigeria.”
You can’t even rest when you’re just bloated. Normal period apps will calmly notify you about exercises to try, but a Nigerian aunty must drag you first.
7. “All these wigs and you’re still too broke to upgrade me.”
This is for those of us that will probably never pay for the upgraded version of our period apps. She will remind us of the times we spent money on things that don’t concern her.
