As a Nigerian, your mother probably already gists you about yet another family friend’s child who’s getting married, but do you really know the many things that go on in her head? What would she write about if she had a secret diary?
I imagine it would look like this:
Sunday
Dear Diary,
The devil really tried me today, but as always, I serve a living God who’ll never allow my enemies to turn me into a laughing stock.
It started with my own children. I woke them up for church at 5 a.m. as usual. Tell me why these children were still brushing their teeth when I came to check on them at 6 a.m.? Why won’t they oversleep when they’ll be pressing phone at night like evil spirits? Upon all the Whuzzup messages I share with them about the dangers of pressing phone at night? Well, I didn’t kill my mother, so they won’t kill me.
That’s how I saw Mama Iyabo in church today. Can you believe this woman sat down in the front row with her long gele, blocking everyone else? She didn’t even wait for women’s meeting after church. She thinks she’s better than everyone, but we all know her son is doing yahoo with that his dada hair. Her daughter nko? That one will be walking up and down the street in pant, abi bum shorts.
Wait o, have those children brought out stew from the freezer? Diary, wait please, I’m coming back.
Monday
Dear Diary,
I saw a video on Whuzzup that really scared me today o. Do you know the government is releasing 5G so they can control us and give everybody gonorrhoea? I’ve forwarded it to everybody I know, even Mama Iyabo. I don’t like her, but everyone deserves to know what’s happening so we can pray for our lives.
I don’t know if my children have downloaded the video because it’s not showing that blue tick that tells you someone has seen your message. In fact, diary, let me call them and make sure they see it. This is a matter of life and death.
Tuesday
Dear Diary,
You know Musa na? My customer who sells onions in the market? I’m thinking of changing him. His mouth has gotten too wide.
Do you know he told me a basket of 40 onions is now ₦5k? Something that I bought for ₦1k four months ago? I sha paid him ₦1,500 for everything. Do I look like someone he can cheat? He was begging me to add something to it, but I don’t pluck money from trees. He should make his gain from another person.
Meanwhile, my son complained of stomach pain today. Maybe he’ll believe me now when I tell him to stop pressing phone.
Wednesday
Dear Diary,
I called my daughter five times before she picked up today. I just think it’s funny how you dedicate nine months of your life, and almost see heaven’s gate during labour, only for your offspring to grow up and either forget you or like their father more.
What if I was dying? I only wanted to ask if she’s eaten today, but still. She even had the mind to say she was busy at work. Too busy for the person who brought you into this world? It is well. At least, I have other children.
Thursday
Dear Diary,
My family keeps testing me. Imagine my husband using his mouth to say, “I have a headache” just this evening. How many times do I need to tell these people that there’s power in the tongue?
That’s how yesterday, someone asked me if I was the last person on the ATM queue. I had to tell him I’ll never be the last in Jesus name. Now, my husband is claiming headache. Why not just put a sign on your head for witches to come and attack you, since you obviously want to die?
Friday
Dear Diary,
I’m rushing to join the vigil at church tonight, but I have to tell you how Mama Iyabo offended me today. I saw her on the road this evening and greeted her. I even asked of her children’s wellbeing. Do you know this woman didn’t ask about my children back?
I always pray for my enemies to reveal themselves. Mama Iyabo is obviously one of them.
I know where to direct my prayers tonight. There’s no peace for the wicked.
Saturday
No entry because, owambe things.
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