Being bullied based on an actual or perceived sexual character is something many Nigerian women are familiar with. I mean, we’re a society that calls women “ashewo” for travelling alone or just having money.
It’s our “normal”, but no woman expects to be slut-shamed by a significant other. Yet these seven Nigerian women have experienced it.
“He shared my nudes with his friends” — Dordor, 23
I was 20 when I started dating this 35-year-old man. The age gap was serious, but I was going through a lot with my family, which made me run away from home. He was there for me, even though he also had some drama of his own — he’d just been dumped by his baby mama. Somehow, we grew close and started a relationship.
Eight months in, he gave me his phone to do something on his WhatsApp. I’m not the type of girlfriend who wants to know what you’re doing on your phone. But that day, I found his chat with his married friend who lives in Canada. Lo and behold, there was a gif image of my vagina. I was shook.
I scrolled through the chat history to find several sexual voice notes I’d sent to him. It turns out the guy was bragging about my sexual nature to his friends; I was the smallie he’d deflowered.
I read everything and just kept quiet. When he came back and noticed something was off, he asked, and I confronted him with the evidence. You won’t believe the MF denied it. I left his house so I wouldn’t break a bottle on someone’s head, and he kept calling and threatening me not to leave him. I blocked him everywhere. The following day, as early as 6 a.m., I got a voice note from him — via a second number I’d totally forgotten about — begging me in the name of God. LOL. The relationship ended there.
“He claimed I was exposing myself… while breastfeeding his child” — Nina*, 27
I always thought my husband was a sensible person until we had our son in January [2023].
As a first-time mum, I had a difficult time adjusting to my reality. My mum left after one month of omugwo, and I was basically on my own till my husband returned from work every night. I think I even had postpartum depression.
When our son was three months old, we attended a friend’s wedding. It was my first time at an event after giving birth, and this boy was seriously showing me pepper. He kept crying, so we were juggling between petting and feeding him. At one point, he refused to take the bottle, so I had to breastfeed. I noticed my husband’s face change and asked what was wrong. He said, and I quote, “See how you just brought out your breast in this crowded place. Those guys were staring and lusting at your nipples. You should know how to cover up. Your whole breast is out.”
I don’t know whether it was the frustration, but I gave him a good piece of my mind right there. I’m sure the table beside us heard my voice. My husband started begging and promised never to try it again. He hasn’t tried it again.
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“He wanted me to cut my friends off” — Ogo, 24
I have mostly male friends, and I met my ex-boyfriend at a party hosted by one of these friends. That’s why I’m still shocked he woke up one day and told me to stop talking to my male friends.
We’d been dating for about six months at the time, and he knew I’d been friends with most of these guys for years. Even my friends’ girlfriends knew me and had no problem with me.
He started by dropping murmurs about how I felt comfortable being around guys when I know I have a big ass. Talking about, “What if they think you’re giving them green light?” or “Don’t you think they’ll hit it if you allow them?”
The complaints soon progressed to, “No one wants to be just friends with a fine babe like you”. Foolish lover girl that I was, I thought he was just joking. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when he tried to prevent me from attending one of the guys’ birthday parties. His reason? I looked too hot, and he thought I’d stopped talking to the guy. I dumped his insecure ass.
“He hid my thongs” — Favour*, 22
I started wearing thongs about a year ago because I was tired of the noticeable lines normal panties show when you wear a tight-fitting outfit.
The first day my boyfriend at the time noticed it, he went bonkers. According to him, only sex workers and strippers wore thongs. He also said it’d attract undue attention from men. I thought he was joking, but the next time I went to his place for the weekend, he took my thongs from my bag and hid them while I slept. In the morning, I couldn’t find them so I asked him. He said I was proving stubborn and that he’d rather buy me dozens of new underwear than allow me to wear thongs again. Funny enough, I didn’t break up with him then because I thought his offering to “protect me” was romantic.
“He accused me of wanting attention at the pool” — Lizzy*, 26
My ex-boyfriend and I planned a pool date. I don’t know what he expected me to wear, but he was visibly shocked when I turned up in a bikini. I started getting attention from other people there — male and female alike — and he took offence. He said I deliberately wore a bikini because I wanted attention from men. I had to tie a wrap around my waist till we left.
“He wanted me to stop posting on social media” — Abby, 20
My ex had issues with guys commenting on my pictures on Instagram. Ironically, he also used to drop “likes” on other girls’ pictures.
According to him, likes were his way of acknowledging he saw your post, but comments meant you liked what you saw so much you had to talk about it. He said posting pictures and allowing comments suggested I wanted validation from other men when I already had him. I didn’t stop, and we later broke up because he cheated on me.
“He insulted me on the first date” — Toyin*, 27
From our talking stage, I really should’ve known this guy was “traditional” when he said he believed women shouldn’t work and should be taken care of by their men.
We decided to meet up for a first date after talking for three weeks, and I wore a bodycon dress. The date was okay, but when it was time for him to drop me off, he said something like, “If not that I know you’re a good girl, I would’ve mistaken you for someone who does hookup”. He then advised me about dressing in certain ways to avoid sending the wrong message. He also talked about how it was only hookup girls who wore anklets (I was wearing one).
I calmly listened to all he said and blocked him everywhere immediately after getting home.
*Some names have been changed to protect their identity.
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