If you know anybody who lives next to a church, please salute them. It is not easy. If you have ever lived next to a church, then you will understand what we mean when we say here are some stressful things you are bound to experience:
1. First of all, say goodbye to your Sunday mornings.
Sunday is naturally supposed to be a day of rest, but if you stay next to a Nigerian church, then you would know they don’t rest. Sunday is their own Monday. So, while you are in bed nursing that hangover or trying to get a decent morning sleep, once it is 7am or 8am, better jump out of that bed or it is the sound of halleluyah and the jingle of a bell that will wake you up.
2. Your Friday nights too? Kiss it goodbye.
Or better still, prepare for vigils with whatever church is next to you. And boy do Nigerian churches like vigils! God help you if it is a Yoruba church or a church that likes to call the word die. You’ll be struggling to sleep, but the loud sound of their clapping will prevent that. And when you finally manage to shut your eyes, guess what will wake you? “DIE BY FIRE!”
3. You must make peace with the loudspeakers.
I hate that this is how it is, but Nigerian churches do not simply care about the welfare of the residents close to them. Or maybe they care, but their loudspeakers say otherwise. Imagine trying to rest on a Sunday morning and they are blasting loud songs from their speakers? Or trying to sleep after a long day and a segment of the church is having a vigil? By the way, why do they use speakers for nighttime programs? Do they not realise it’s midnight and some people are trying to sleep?
4. If they have a possessed drummer, just start crying.
Because the drums will literally kill you. Praise the Lord and the drummer will beat the drums. Let’s pray and the drummer will still touch the drums. Soon enough, headache will set in. Imagine that. Having a headache over a church you did not attend. Wahala for who dey live next to religious citadel oh.
5. IF THEY LIKE REVIVALS, IT IS OVER FOR YOU.
Imagine staying next to a church hosting a 21 days revival. Omo, the best thing to do is to carry your Bible and join them so you can reap the blessing of enduring the noise they are bound to make.
6. Let’s be honest, the praise and worship do usually slap.
And this is one upside of living next to a church. You could be in your house, sad and tired of everything, and the church next door starts a worship song that gets you in your feels. Or you could be cleaning the house when their praise segment comes in and before you know it, you are leg-working for the Lord. Enjoy it while it lasts, sha. It won’t always be like that.
7. Sometimes, the prayers slap too.
And this happens randomly. Next thing you know you are joining them to ban ancestral demons and praying your way into victory. But see ehn, there are days when you just don’t want to hear anything.
8. Expect to hear a lot of off-key singing.
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If there is one thing Nigerian church choirs do once in a while, it is off-key singing. You will even be tempted to go and collect the microphone from them. But resist that urge sha. Let them sing their song so you can enjoy what is left of your Sundays.
9. Expect to hear a lot of off-key sermons too.
You will kuku be in your house, trying to endure when the pastor will say something that will leave your jaw hanging. Please and please, just accept it that way. Goodluck to the pastor and the members involved. Stay in your house and cook white rice and stew.
10. Living next to a church can turn your heart back to God.
It can be the ultimate test to know if you will return to the church. If that happens, invite us to your baptism. We sell customised towels you can wear afterwards.
11. And yes, living next to a church can also expose the madness in your head.
Because one day you could snap and go knock on their gate at 2am in the midnight, to tell them to reduce the noise. Believe me, they won’t do shit. I am speaking from experience. Maybe I don’t have enough madness, sha. But if you can actually scare them into reducing their noise, then you are truly crazy in the head and we hail you.
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