With the number of Nigerian doctors who’ve left the country, the last thing you want to do is get into physical fights that’ll land you in the hospital. But, make no mistake, it doesn’t mean you should be one everyone tramples upon. Let’s show you how to politely insult people and still leave your ops dead in a ditch.
How to politely insult people in English
We’ve already established that it isn’t wise to go physical and end up in the hospital. So what next? Insult your ops in sweet, subtle English language that will leave them second-guessing your true intentions.
You’re the reason God created the middle finger
It’s a slow burner. For a while, they’ll think you’re appreciating their finger before they figure it out.
With all due respect
Then go ahead to fully disrespect the person. Don’t worry, you’ll get a free pass for first establishing respect.
Did I stutter?
When you’re in no mood to repeat yourself.
You’re consistently underwhelming
Meaning sense is far from them.
You must have a lot of free time
Use this when they’re jobless and being a nuisance.
I envy anyone who’s never met you
When their stupidity is a pandemic.
I hope your day is filled with people like you
Because foolish people deserve each other.
You’re not the best, but I chose you
They’ll focus on you “choosing them” before they see the emotional damage.
How to politely insult with big words
Big-worded insults often sound like compliments until the person checks the dictionary one week later and sees that you finished them. This is a smart way to politely insult people if you don’t want an immediate reaction.
Stop being sanctimonious
They’ll think you’re likening them to Santa Claus before it hits.
You’re being uncouth
When it’s evident they don’t have home training.
You’re a bombastic element
This is old but gold.
Let’s not be obtuse
The not-so-polite version? Let’s not be stupid.
How to politely insult in Pidgin English
One good thing about insulting people in Pidgin is that your ops would’ve had a good laugh before they catch on that you’re roasting them.
You dey alright?
It’s the “I chose kindness” version of “Are you mad?”
You sure say you well so?
When you want to know if their brain is working.
You con be like better person
When you realise they’re actually trash.
Go hug transformer
When you want them to return to their creator.
This thing no too jig
When they do stupid things.
As I see your shirt from afar, I don know sey na you
When they’re due for a complete wardrobe change.
You no too bright
AKA “dullard”.
How to politely insult someone in an email
Who says you have to endure your co-worker or client moving mad on an email thread? The key to make it stop is to find ways to insult them professionally. They won’t know what hit them.
Regards
Avoid “warm” or “kind” to deliver maximum effect.
Please, test that assumption and take note of the response
Fuck around and find out.
Your opinion is noted and will be given the attention it deserves
When they give “gba” takes.
I’d love to agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong
When they say rubbish but you want to choose kindness.
Can you walk me through your thought process?
When the idea is so ridiculous you want to know how they arrived at it.
I can only explain it to you. I can’t understand for you
When the junior staff isn’t justifying their paycheck enough.
I love what you’re trying to do
When they’ve done utter rubbish, but you give them an E for Effort.
I recall that quite differently
When your team lead or co-worker is telling lies.
