I know you think the IJGBs have been around for about a month and that if you were going to snag one, you would’ve already, so time has run out.
Well, perish that thought. Time may be running out, but it hasn’t run out yet. You still have the chance to snag your very own IJGB. But only if you follow the instructions I’m about to lay out. Pay attention, people.
1) Dress the part.
Ladies and gents. Detty December is a viciously competitive period. Everyone and their mama is looking for an IJGB to rock the town with, so you must stand out by dressing for the part. Do a wardrobe overhaul and replace every item of clothing you own with the sluttiest clothes you can find on this side of Allen Avenue. It’s like they say: dress for the job you want.
2) Track them down.
If the mountain won’t come to Mohammed, then Mohammed must go to the mountain. I don’t understand why whoever came up with this said it like there was the possibility of the mountain going to meet a human, but that’s a story for another day. My point is that these IJGBs won’t come to you, so you have to do your best Joe Goldberg impersonation — complete with witty inner monologue — and track them down. You can find them at raves, house parties, concerts, overpriced restaurants, and traffic.
3) When in Rome, do as the Romans do.
To quote my homeboy, Kunle Ologunro: “You want to bam ba? You want to chill with the big boys? Okay nau. Just buy your running shoes ready because you will definitely run kiti kiti when the time comes.”
Sometimes, IJGBs will engage in certain activities that you may find…less than reputable. Like recreational drug use. Now that you’ve made your way into their circle, you can’t do anything to make them suspicious of you, like judging them with your eyes when they whip out crystal meth. Do what you will with this information.
4) Keep up.
IJGBs like to move around. Keep up. Enough said.
5) Do jazz.
As I mentioned earlier, the competition is fierce, and you need all the help you can get. Get into your old Nollywood bag and trap someone’s spirit in a groundnut bottle. You can release them when the holidays end, and you need to return to your everyday life.
Good luck. And may the odds be ever in your favour.
