Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
December 2021 is here, planning to go outside and get Detty. But COVID is outside, and Constable Sapa is patrolling the streets too. What then happens to Detty December?
Today on Interview With, Detty December tells us why it will go outside regardless.
[Detty December walks in and looks around]
Zikoko: Hello December! Welcome to—
Detty December: Excuse me? Who is December?
Zikoko: Haha. You nau. Do you have another name?
Detty December: The name is Detty. Detty December. Get it right before we start anything.
Zikoko: Dirty?
Detty December: From the way I look, do I appear dirty?
Zikoko: Not at all.
Detty December: Good. So, don’t roll your tongue around it. Just pronounce it right. D-E-T-T-Y, you know. Detty. Detty.
[Detty December smacks lips]
Zikoko: Sorry oh, but did your parents name you “Detty”?
Detty December: Did your parents name you Zikoko?
Zikoko: Ahan, small play. Let’s be calming down oh. Welcome to Interview With. We are pleased to have you here.
Detty December: Well, I am not pleased to be here. I should be out there, popping and happening, and this interview is cutting my time short. But hurry up so I can return outside. Also, why is your office looking so dead? No decorations whatsoever. Didn’t you get the memo that Detty December is in town?
Zikoko: We thought that the Omicron variant would have stopped you from coming out.
Detty December: What is Omarion in the face of Detty December? Girl, please. [Detty December flips bone straight].
Listen, even if they discover their long lost sibling and name it the Osanobua variant, none of them is big enough to stop me. Them and their daddy’s daddy, them no reach. You think I got this name by being afraid of anything? Please. Come rain, come shine, we outside.
Zikoko: Ahan, signboard. Take it easy oh. Does it mean you’re vaccinated?
Detty December: Yes of course. If you want to beat them, you have to collect the injection. I’m too Detty to fall sick. But let me tell you something. It’s jealousy that is worrying Miss ‘Rona. And she chose the wrong target to mess with.
Zikoko: Jealousy? Now why would COVID-19 be jealous of you?
Detty December: Oh no, not COVID. That one is just an agent.
Zikoko: Agent of darkness or MI6 or CIA?
Detty December: You want a story? I’ll give it to you. [Detty December flips bone straight and adjusts on its seat]. So, in 2019, when I decided to become really detty, I went all out. I’m sure you must have seen how Detty December was in 2019. From December 1st to 31st, it was parte after parte after parte. There was no sleep. Bus, another club, another club, plane, next place. The turn up was mad. Artistes were balling, alcohol was flowing, my fellow happening babes were popping.
And there was the universe, taking note of it all and getting jealous. 2020 came, and before I could start putting myself together, the universe sent COVID-19. From March oh, me I even thought it would be gone before I showed up in December. Only for them to ask me and my people to stay indoors. I agreed, but this time, indoors cannot contain me again. This 2021, WE FUCKING OUTSIDE!
Zikoko: Please don’t shout, they are filming Nigerians Talk downstairs.
Detty December: Alright. This 2021, we outside.
Zikoko: But with which money? Because some people have said their budget for Detty December is just ₦1,985.
Detty December: And some people also said their budget is ₦350k. This is why I miss the IJGBs. If you don’t have up to that, outside is not for you.
Zikoko: Ah! Is that not somebody’s salary?
Detty December: That one no concern me. Let them spend their life savings on me sef, I’m worth it and more. When my wicked brother January shows up with its 7 weeks disguised as 4 weeks, they will drink garri and be sober. But now, let them spend.
Zikoko: But who will be doing the spending?
Detty December: As how?
Zikoko: You know Nigeria is now on the Red List.
Detty December: Lizzie better remain in hiding, cause if I see her on the street, we’re definitely throwing hands.
Zikoko: Who is Lizzie?
Detty December: Mama Charlie. Queen Elizabeth.
Zikoko: Ah, please oh. Lower your voice before they put Zikoko on the red list too.
Detty December: WE OUTSIDE!
Zikoko: So, what do you think this year’s Detty December is going to look like, now that IJGBs are out of the equation? Are you worried?
Detty December: I’m disappointed, but I’m not worried. It’s Chinaza from Peckham that missed out; there is still Femi from KPMG. The people I have on ground are sufficient. Besides, with the IJGBs gone, people’s spouses and significant others will be safe because nobody will come and steal them with foreign passport. You know what I’m saying?
Zikoko: Yes, yes, I do. So, now—
[Detty December’s phone rings]
Detty December: Hey babes! OMG, you guys are already at the house party? I AM ON MY WAY!
[Detty December picks up its designer handbag]
Zikoko: Please oh, you people should wear a mask and stay indoors.
Detty December: Indoors? I’m not familiar with that emotion.
[Detty December walks out]
Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.
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