Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
When you hear of H-Factor, your mind automatically goes to a particular Nigerian tribe and its people. Today, we decided to sit and speak with H and have them explain why they are so powerful and unavoidable.
This is Interview With H-Factor.
Zikoko: Can we meet you?
H-Factor: Oh there’s not so much to know about me. I’m just an ordinary letter H that Yoruba people have given a lot of power.
Um, could you please explain?
I am usually summoned when certain words are pronounced as if they had ‘h‘ in them. This would have been a nice thing oh, but the problem is that ‘h’ is now removed from the words that begin with ‘h’. Which is why, Can her hair earn her an A will become Can er hair hearn her han A?
I won’t even lie, Yoruba people are the ones who fall victim the most.
Is there a reason for this?
I think its because there’s no “H” in the Yoruba language so they try to compensate one way or the other.
I see…
But again, many of them try to form phonee, and because I know their background, I intentionally appear to disgrace them. Imagine Mufutau from Abeokuta trying to sound like he is an American stranded in Nigeria. Mufutau that went to Kobomoje Nursery and Primary School? I cannot stand for that kind of deception, please. Immediately such kind of a person opens their mouth to form any kind of suprisupri English like this, I manifest. Yam and egg becomes Yam and hegg. I hate her becomes I ate her.
Be who you ha, Mufutau. Be proud of your eritage.
But…
There are no buts. You play sneaky games, you win sneaky prizes. I see a lot of you people trying to imitate foreigners. How come you ignore their own factors? French people have R-factor, but you will open Duolingo and be doing Garçon, garçon. Why did you not laugh at them?
You that grew up in Omole, you want to sound whiter than the whites. Oya nau, go ahead let me be watching you.
So what you’re saying is that…
You people should embrace whatever factor you have, please. Haccept it. Don’t attempt to sound whiter than white. Otherwise I will keep on appearing and disgracing you.
Ah…
It’s not as if I’m wicked oh, but Yoruba people got what they wished for. They are the ones who shout “Ha” on every single thing and each time they do that, I enter their life bit by bit until the day of reckoning.
What is the day of reckoning?
That is when I appear in flesh and blood. The day of reckoning manifests in different ways for different people. For some people, it is when they become drunk that I tumble out of their mouth. “One bottle of Eineken!”
For some others, it is when they are trying to impress their crush. I can even make them spoil their own names. “I, my name is Hadeola.” And just like that, true love is gone from them.
And you don’t think this is wicked?
No. Hide me too much and I’ll jump out to destroy everything you have worked for.
That’s all.
Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.
