Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
Everybody says househunting in Lagos is the ghetto. But nobody has ever considered the welfare of Lagos apartments.
Today on Interview With, we spoke to Lagos Apartments to hear their side of the story.
Zikoko: Hello readers. Welcome to today’s Interview With. Today’s session is a bit different. We are interviewing Lagos apartments and they might…
Dog House in Ikoyi walks in.
Zikoko: They might be a bit late to arrive.
Uncompleted Building in Shomolu (UBIS) walks in.
Zikoko: Sorry, who are you people?
Dog House in Ikoyi: LOL. Are you joking? Please stop.
Uncompleted Building in Shomolu: You called for Lagos apartments, we showed up, and now you are asking us who we are. If you don’t want to interview us, please let us know so we can leave. An agent is planning to show me to someone today.
Zikoko: Show you to someone as in rent you out?
Uncompleted Building In Shomolu: Yes. When the person pays, they use their rent to complete building me.I can’t wait to finally become complete so that people can stop urinating inside me and using me to fulfill their fantasies of public sex.
Zikoko: But why did your owner start building you if they knew they were going to use the tenant’s money to complete you?
Uncompleted Building In Shomolu: Maybe you should ask my landlord.
Zikoko: And what happens when the tenant decides to move or is not satisfied with the apartment? Will they be refunded?
Uncompleted Building In Shomolu: Am I my landlord? Please, this is too much for me. I thought I was just coming here to answer questions about life as an apartment in Lagos.
Dog House In Ikoyi: At least he is asking you questions. He just forgot me on this seat.
Zikoko: I’m sorry, I don’t recognise you as a Lagos apartment. Maybe you came here as a mistake.
Dog House In Ikoyi: You obviously don’t know anything. So, here is the thing. In the original house plan, I was built for Lucky, the family dog. But the family fell on hard times, and they sold Lucky to a Calabar kitchen.
Zikoko: What an unlucky Lucky.
Dog House In Ikoyi: And they are now planning to convert me to a one-room apartment. They said I’m big enough to accommodate an upcoming tech bro who wants to move from Yaba to the island.
Zikoko: Ah, but—
Three Bedroom Flat In Yaba walks in.
Three Bedroom Flat In Yaba: Oh, have I been called? I’m so sorry for the delay. Some Unilag students came to check me out. They thought they could afford me, but they have settled for a Face-Me-I-Slap-You in Bariga.
Zikoko: Isn’t Bariga far from Unilag?
Three Bedroom Flat In Yaba: That one is their cup of tea, please. They should leave me alone so tech bros can rent me.
Zikoko: What’s this thing about tech bros renting apartments in Yaba?
Dog House In Ikoyi: Yaba is the new—
Three Bedroom Flat In Yaba: I have a mouth of my own. When they talk about island apartments, you can talk then. You Island people always want everybody to see you. Always talking about how the island is the best place to live. So we that are on the mainland should go and die, or what?
Uncompleted Building In Shomolu: My dear.
Three Bedroom Flat In Yaba: I’m not your dear. You are uncompleted; I am complete. You are in Shomolu, I am in Yaba. Please roll with your mates. I don’t want something where prospective tenants will start comparing our prices to each other.
Zikoko: It’s like you came to fight today…
Three Bedroom Flat In Yaba: No, at all. But when you are a three bedroom flat in an area known as Nigeria’s silicon valley, you realise the power your UI/UX holds and brag different.
Slice Of House In Lagos Island Walks in.
Serviced Apartment In Lekki Walks in.
Zikoko: Welcome, welcome.
Slice of House In Lagos Island: Please, let’s be quick. The weather forecast says it might rain today and. . .
Zikoko: Are you worried about the flood?
Slice of House In Lagos Island: No, I’m not in Lekki. My concern is that I am built on a quarter of a plot of land. Any strong wind might make me collapse. I need to return home so they can prop me up with stick.
Shop In Mushin Walks in.
Zikoko: Sorry oh, the interview is for apartments, not shops.
Shop In Mushin
Zikoko: ???
Shop In Mushin: I no be shop.
Zikoko: What do you mean you are not a shop?
Shop In Mushin: My agent just rented me out to somebody. I heard that they will be living here not selling market inside me.
Zikoko: Ah. Is it that bad in Lagos?
Serviced Apartment In Lekki: Is this interview happening or not?
Dog House In Ikoyi: If it’s not, let’s just all go home.
Uncompleted Building In Shomolu: Abi.
Zikoko: Sorry. I think we should start now. I was waiting for three more apartments.
Three Bedroom Flat In Yaba: Which and which?
Zikoko: Refurbished Family House In Abule Egba, Face-Me-I-Slap-You in Igando, Room and—
Face-Me-I-Slap-You in Igando: I’m here oh. I’m here. They were fighting inside me, and it would not make sense to come when people are fighting inside me.
Zikoko: Oh dear. See, let me just start with the questions I have.
Dog House In Ikoyi: Start.
Zikoko: Why is it that Lagos apartments have very small windows?
Slice of House in Lagos Island: Is it not a house that was built on a larger plot of land that will have large windows? Look at me and look at the quarter plot of land I was built on. Where will the windows fit?
Shop in Mushin: I was originally built as a shop, so I have just one window. Anyone that rents me should take me the way I am.
Uncompleted Building in Shomolu: I have windows. It’s just money that is preventing me from reaching my full potential.
Face-Me-I-Slap-You in Igando: It’s not the window that is my own problem. It’s the bathroom and toilets. How can a house of about 10 rooms share just one bathroom and toilet? You should see people queuing and fighting to use it every morning before work. Am I an apartment or a boxing ring?
Dog House in Ikoyi: I was formerly a dog’s house, but God willing, a window shall be added before my new tech bro comes in to rent me.
Zikoko: Hmm. Three Bedroom Flat in Yaba, what about you?
Three Bedroom Flat in Yaba: What about me what? Is it not enough that I am located in Yaba? Besides, what do tech bros need windows for? Let them buy ACs. And if they want to see the sky, they should download a picture of it from Google.
Zikoko: Serviced Apartment in Lekki, please speak up.
Serviced Apartment in Lekki: Windows are not my problem. It’s the service. I wonder why my landlord is lying.
Zikoko: Lying about what?
Serviced Apartment In Lekki: The service. He tells people I am a serviced apartment, that they don’t have to worry about electricity or cleaning. But the generator is failing every two days and there’s no cleaner.
The tenants are always complaining and calling me a cursed house when my landlord is the person that is cursed.
Zikoko: Why don’t they just move out?
Serviced Apartment in Lekki: Will you give them an apartment?
Zikoko: Oh.
Serviced Apartment in Lekki: Do you even know how difficult it is to find an apartment in this Lagos? If things were normal, what will Uncompleted Building in Shomolu and Shop in Mushin be doing here?
Shop in Mushin: [breaks bottle] It’s like you are mad abi?
Uncompleted Building in Shomolu: And that is why you will never be serviced, you fool. You think because Three Bedroom Flat in Yaba insulted me, you too can open your mouth? I might be uncompleted oh, but that does not mean my madness is incomplete. You want to see crazy, abi?
Serviced Apartment in Lekki: Sorry oh.
Zikoko: Please, please, we don’t condone fights here. I brought you all in here to have a decent conversation.
Dog House in Ikoyi: But you dismissed me when I came in first. You are lucky that Lucky has been used for pepper soup. Assuming I came here with the dog still inside me and you tell me this kind of rubbish, you would be regretting it now. [Hisses and walks out]
Uncompleted Building in Shomolu: The agent is already here. Time to go and present myself to the new person who is house-hunting. Today might be my lucky day. [Walks out]
Three Bedroom Flat in Yaba: I think I should leave too. [Walks out]
Slice of House in Lagos Island: Please can I use your mopping stick to prop myself up until I get home?
Zikoko: Uh.. I guess. The rest of you, please leave too. This interview has taken unexpected turns.
Serviced Apartment in Lekki, Shop in Mushin, Face-Me-I-Slap-You in Igando, Slice of House in Lagos Island walk out.
Zikoko: [Sighs]
Refurbished Family House in Abule Egba walks in.
Refurbished Family House in Abule Egba: Sorry I am coming late oh. The landlord’s bastard son came back and tried to sell me, so there was a lot of wahala.
Zikoko: Which bastard son?
Refurbished Family House in Abule Egba: Bros Tope. Before the landlord died, he wrote on the house, THIS HOUSE IS NOT FOR SALE. BEWARE OF 419 AND MY BASTARD SON, TOPE. It’s the Tope that came back today.
Zikoko: Oh God. Please just go. Just leave here. Interview has finished. Till next time.
Refurbished Family House in Abule Egba: Please don’t let me go yet. Bros Tope is still trying to sell me.
Zikoko itself walks out.
Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.
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