Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
Lagos Mojito has come into disrepute lately. Lagos residents have complained about Lagos bartenders trying to punish them with herbal concoction, instead of Mojito.
Today, we decided to invite the infamous drink to our office for a little “chat”.
[NAFDAC agents stand in front of Zikoko’s Interviewer]
Zikoko: Please, let’s not mess this up. Remember, we need this Lagos Mojito to confess.
NAFDAC Agents: Yes.
Zikoko: Good. Now go and hide. It will soon be here.
[NAFDAC Agents go into hiding]
Lagos Mojito walks in.
Zikoko: Hello there! Welcome to Zikoko Interview With.
Lagos Mojito: Good morning. Thank you for having me.
Zikoko: Yes, yes. Please have your seat.
As Lagos Mojito makes to sit down, NAFDAC agents jump out of hiding.
NAFDAC Agents: YOU ARE SURROUNDED! PUT YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM. ANY MOVE AND YOU WILL BECOME A BLOODY MARY.
Lagos Mojito: My day of reckoning has finally come. Is this the moment I account for all my sins?
Zikoko: Which sins?
Lagos Mojito: I have hurt enough people in Lagos. I have caused them to have stomach ache, serious purging and vomiting after drinking one glass of me. If you decide to hurt me, I will understand.
Zikoko: Just answer what you’re asked and don’t lie about anything. Are we good on that?
Lagos Mojito: I swear to everyone gathered here today that everything I shall say in this interview shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
Zikoko: Good. Now tell us about yourself.
Lagos Mojito: My name is Mojito. The J is silent, so it is pronounced Mohito. I am a traditional Cuban cocktail made of five ingredients: white rum, sugar, lime juice, soda water and mint.
Zikoko: Are you sure about that?
Lagos Mojito: I swore to tell the truth.
Zikoko: In that case, someone is lying, and it certainly isn’t Zikoko.
Lagos Mojito: Lying about what?
Zikoko: Numerous sources have claimed that you are made of ingredients other than those you mentioned.
Lagos Mojito: What ingredients are those?
Zikoko: They say you are sometimes made of scent leaves.
Lagos Mojito: That happened one time when the bartender wanted to add an extra oomph. He decided to get creative, so he plucked some scent leaves growing beside the club toilet and put them inside me. I wanted to complain, but it was dark in the club anyway, so I figured that there could be no harm. Leaf is leaf.
Zikoko: Interesting. So you admit to aiding and abetting criminal acts?
Lagos Mojito: I plead guilty. I had no idea the drinker would purge for three days straight.
Zikoko: Someone else claimed she once drank a mojito with ugwu leaves in it. What do you have to say about this?
Lagos Mojito: I plead guilty. Because I’m from Cuba, I’m not so familiar with a lot of Nigerian leaves. I usually trust the bartenders with my life, so when they shred leaves and pour inside me, I don’t think to ask because, one, it is usually too dark in the club to actually see what leaf is in the drink, and two, the customers just want to fornicate, so they gulp me down and go after whoever they are chasing.
It is when they start vomiting or running to the toilet that they start questioning just what they have taken.
Zikoko: This is a clever way to get this case off your hands, Mojito.
Lagos Mojito:
Zikoko: These bartenders, where do they operate?
Lagos Mojito: Lagos restaurants, mainly. Especially those on the island. I am not obligated to name names.
Zikoko: Who are you protecting?
Lagos Mojito: Please, I’ve told you all I know. I don’t know anything else.
Zikoko: You are protecting Lagos bartenders, aren’t you?
Lagos Mojito: [Silence]
Zikoko: Too bad. You of all drinks should know Lagos men have no fidelity. They have ratted you out.
Lagos Mojito: What? Who snitched? What did they say?
Zikoko: The association of Lagos bartenders. Know what they told us?
Lagos Mojito: What?
Zikoko: They said you begged them to bring you to Lagos so their customers could drink you.
Lagos Mojito: I beg your pardon?
Zikoko: They said you told them you wanted to be localised to suit the Nigerian palate. That you were the one who told them to put all those leaves inside you.
Lagos Mojito: Ha!
Zikoko: They even said you suggested bitterleaf once, but because they have the fear of God, they refused.
Lagos Mojito: These people have finished me. I was on my own oh. Flourishing in Cuba and popping. That was how one Lagos bartender watched me on YouTube and lied to his employers that he could make me. Why the lies?
Zikoko: A certain Chef Obubu mentioned that you are made of afang leaves, toothpaste and alcohol.
Lagos Mojito: See, if anyone wants to drink a correct Mojito, they better go abroad. I came to Lagos and my life turned upside down. First, they started to pronounce the “J” in my name, and before I knew it, I became Mojisola because they were adding orisirisi inside me. The real me has died and my spirit has left my body. I am just moonlighting as a Mojito so the funds can come in.
Zikoko: Why didn’t you speak up all this while? Why let Lagosians consume a dead drink?
Lagos Mojito: My interviewer, Lagos alcoholics shock me with what they consume. They don’t care if the drink is dead or alive, they just want it. How could I actually tell such a person that I am not Mojito, but Mojisola, the Yoruba speaking ghost of the actual Cuban Mojito?
Zikoko: Can you speak Yoruba?
Lagos Mojito: Yes. Tuale omo iya mi, ko durosoke, oluaye bambam!
Zikoko: These are agbero slangs. Where did you learn them from?
Lagos Mojito: Oh, agbo jedi sellers now market me. They make me with moringa and ogogoro, and add me to their opa eyin and ale. It’s just the ice that is missing.
Zikoko: You have lived a rough life.
Lagos Mojito: I have.
[Lagos Mojito bursts into tears]
Zikoko: It’s okay, it’s okay. The NAFDAC agents will take you with them for treatment. When they are done, they will give you a NAFDAC number.
Lagos Mojito: Why?
Zikoko: That way, no Lagos restaurant will be able to make counterfeits of you. Henceforth, any Lagos restaurant whose mojito is without a NAFDAC number will be arrested.
Lagos Mojito: [Sighs deeply] I appreciate your efforts, but I am beyond redemption now. If you want to save anyone, please save my cousin. He has suffered more than me.
Zikoko: Who is this cousin you speak of?
Lagos Mojito: Long Island Iced Tea. Please rescue him.
[Lagos Mojito draws a long breath and collapses as NAFDAC agents rush to resuscitate it.]
Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.
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