It’s a calm and quiet day in the office, Zikoko sits in her little corner trying to get her work done when PMS struts in, looking like a bondage mistress with her tight high ponytail and 6-inch platform heels.
PMS: Let’s get this over with.
Zikoko: Ma?
PMS: . You wrote me a letter last week. surely you recognise me.
Zikoko: I do. I just don’t understand what you’re doing here. I didn’t reach out to you.
PMS: No, but since you’ve joined the rest of the world to stain my white, I’ve decided to grant you this interview to clear my name.
*sits down*
You’re welcome.
Zikoko: You want to do it now? Like right now?
PMS: Yes. Look, I’m tired of everyone saying such horrible things about me. I’m a good person.
*taps the table*
Can you please write that down? Or better still, get it on tape.
Zikoko: Tape…
PMS: Yes. You know what, it’s fine. I brought one of my assistants. Say hi to Constipation.
*points at Constipation carrying a camcorder*
He’s an expert at holding things, so he’s been recording since I walked in. When we get back, Diarrhea will send the tape out.
Zikoko: *nods slowly* Sorry, please, why are you just casually walking around with erm, Constipation?
PMS: Oh, he’s one of my assistants. I have a couple of them. He’s good at carrying shit around, so I take him everywhere.
Zikoko: Okay, I don’t understand, but let’s act like I do. You’re here to clear your name?
PMS: Yes. I’m a businesswoman trying to run a successful business, and everyone keeps trying to vilify me, especially the women. I just want to thrive at my job, and I keep getting slandered. What happened to women supporting women?
Zikoko: You’re not very supporting either.
PMS:
Zikoko: 2 words, Mood Swings.
PMS: Okay? I have a lot of friends, and I like to bring them with me on work trips. Sue me. Plus, I meet Mood there, it’s not my fault that we play jangilova sometimes and shit goes haywire. She’s my childhood friend.
Zikoko: Menstruation doesn’t bring her friends along.
PMS: *extra dramatic gasp* Take that back now. Why would you compare me to that lazy babe? I do all the work and people refer to me as her personal John the Baptist. I don’t appreciate that.
Zikoko: So she’s not your big aunty?
PMS: God, no. And I don’t appreciate being treated like an opener at her concert. She’s the background act, and I’m the star of the show.
*peeps at Zikoko’s notepad*
Did you write that?
Zikoko: *nods*
PMS: Good. Also, women like to act like I’m their worst enemy, but I’m the only one that’s always there for them. Consistency is literally my middle name.
Zikoko: I thought it was menstrual.
PMS: *criminally offensive side eye* I can see that I wasted my time coming here.
Zikoko: No …
PMS: All of you can continue thinking of me as the enemy, but I know I’m the hero in this story.
Zikoko: Please sit down. I’ll be nice.
PMS: *walks out*
Zikoko: Nicer! PMS! Pre! Post?! Syndrome! Constipation! Will you still send the recording?!
