Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
Urgent 2k is a valid Nigerian currency. It is more than an emergency fund; it is a lifesaver, a life jacket when you are drowning. In fact, this currency has been recognised to be the cause of several relationship break-ups and a number of fallouts.
Today on Interview With, we asked Urgent 2k about its meteoric rise to fame, how it deals with problems, and how it has managed to stay successful, in spite of the other denominations of money available in Nigeria.
Zikoko: Hello. It’s so wonderful to have you here.
Urgent 2k: The pleasure is all mine. I have never imagined that I would one day be interviewed by the good people of Zikoko.
Oh really?
Yes oh. I usually hear stories about the other people you interview and I just allow myself to dream. I am just an ordinary “urgent 2k”, I didn’t think you would even be interested in me. So, when I got the invitation to come into your office, I could not believe it.
You need to give yourself more credit, please. You are not ordinary.
I know. But these days, many people don’t consider you rich enough if you only have 2k in your account. Rihanna just became a billionaire. Do you think she would make the news if she had only 2k in her account?
That’s a different case.
True, sha.
Can you tell us about your journey to fame?
My dear, when it is your time, it is your time oh. I might not be famous in other countries, and that’s why I keep my mouth shut when the argument goes international. But in Nigeria, I know the power I hold. Sometimes, I am even greater than 10k sent at the wrong time.
Ahan, slow down please. Pride goes before a fall.
It’s not pride if it’s facts. Urgent 2k a day keeps sapa away. 10k can make you happy, but is it not better to be receiving regular urgent 2k than to receive 10k once a month and not see anything until the next month?
Fair point.
Do you think it’s easy to have “urgent” as my title? There are many 2ks in the world, but being “urgent” is what makes me different. You can have 2k on top of your salary, 2k as part of your bill at a restaurant, but have you ever been stranded with zero naira in your account and someone sends you Urgent 2k?
Hmm…
That’s what I’m talking about! I am small but mighty. I have become so important that people call my name when they refer to larger amounts of money. Someone who works at KPMG will wake up and say they are going to work so they can make urgent 2k.
Please leave KPMG men out of this.
It’s true sha. Before they start posting their payslips online to prove that they earn more than 2k. Anyway, that’s their own wahala. In this Nigeria that we live in, every salary is an urgent 2k.
You are in high demand… Are you happy about this?
I like the way I’m feeling now. Nobody should come and use their reggae to spoil my blues and rhythm now. I have learnt how to be satisfied, but that is something I make sure others don’t have. I am like sugar; once you taste urgent 2k once, there is no going back.
Is that why you are destroying relationships?
Excuse me?
Many people have broken up today because of urgent 2k…
Or you mean to say that many Nigerian men use me as an excuse to break up with their girlfriend? I have heard what Nigerian men are up to in these streets and I tell you, I am disgusted. You will see a man come online to say that, “If a babe asks you for urgent 2k, break up with her.” Or, “If a babe asks you for urgent 2k, you too ask her for urgent sex.”
Please and please, Femi, are you not also receiving urgent 2k from people? Did they ask you to surrender penis before sending me to your account? Why are you people inconsiderate like this? You think urgent 2k is enough to boast on? Okay oh, keep going. Sapa will humble you.
You have mentioned Sapa twice in this interview. Should we interview Sapa too?
Yes oh. Sapa is my colleague and we work together. I can give you his phone number if you want. Can I tell you a secret?
Yes.
Sometimes, if I see someone misbehaving, perhaps the person is bragging online or showing off that they will never need urgent 2k in their life, I send Sapa to attack them. By the time Sapa has dealt with them seriously, I will now step in. I don’t know if it has ever happened to you, but receiving urgent 2k after Sapa has choked you is worthy of a testimony.
This is the story of almost every Nigerian.
Ah, maybe the government should create a holiday in my name? National Urgent 2k Day. That day, everybody receives urgent 2k and the world is happy.
We might have to make it N2,100.
Why?
POS charges.
Wahala everywhere.
Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.
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