Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
There is an argument as old as time: Breasts or Bum Bum? Or, in other words, are you a Breast person or a Bum Bum person? There’s probably going to be no end to this argument, but we can only do our own part, and that’s why we decided to call in Breasts and Bum Bum to our office for an interview.
Today on Interview With, Breasts and Bum Bum come together to discuss which one of them is greater, and why.
Zikoko: Hi everyone. Zikoko is pleased to have you here today.
Breasts: But are we pleased to have Zikoko?
Bum Bum: Ahan, Breasts. Stop being rude.
Breasts: Um, excuse me? The interviewer said something and I asked a question based on that. Could you please do me a favour and point out where the rudeness is?
Bum Bum: Oh, please don’t play that game with me. We grew up together, I know you so well.
Breasts: Point of correction — we grew up in different parts of the same house. I live in the front yard, you dominate the backyard. We literally do not have any interactions. Please and please, don’t try to claim any familiarity because we are in public.
Okay, I think we started on the wrong foot… Hello once again. Thanks for agreeing to this interview.
Bum Bum: Thank you for contacting us. I am glad to be here.
Breasts: Yeah, what Bum Bum said.
Would you like some—
Breasts: Our Madam said you had things to discuss, and that’s why I’m here. So, if you don’t mind, could you please get to it? I’ve been in this bra all day and I need to get out of them so I can be free to roam around.
Bum Bum: Ah, no oh. This is where I must talk.
Breasts: About what?
Bum Bum: Don’t blame your rudeness on the bra. Afterall, I am currently experiencing the same discomfort.
What discomfort is that?
Bum Bum: I’ve been in jeans all day, and before that , there’s also panties which won’t stop entering my crack. But with how annoying all of that is, I’m still not losing my cool.
Breasts: Okay, and so?
Bum Bum: What I’m saying is that you are naturally rude, and the earlier you admit to that, the better your chances of you moving forward in life.
Breasts: LMAO. You must think I’m in the same position as you are.
Please, let this not lead to an argument. We are peace-loving at Zikoko.
Breasts: Listen to me, Bum Bum. I am already forward and that’s where I will continue to be. I don’t have to pretend to be humble or fake any kind of attitude in order to “move forward.” If you like, you can fake all the humility in the world, that’s your business. You will always remain at the back.
Oh, and you can try moving forward, but I will gladly show you an example of what that would look like.
Do am if e easy.
That’s NSFW, Breasts. Please take note.
Breasts: Sorry, I’ll do better.
Bum Bum: Amen oh.
Breasts: You mentioned something about panties being caught between your cheeks…
Bum Bum: I’ve moved on from that issue, Breasts. In fact, I am—
Can we pick something else to discuss?
Breasts: Look, I hate to compare suffering, but me and you, Bum Bum, our suffering is not the same. On the worst days,you’re covered by panties. But a bra? It is the worst cage I have ever been kept in. Sometimes, the straps will dig into our Madam’s shoulders and she’ll forcefully adjust it without thinking about my feelings. Sometimes even, wire from the bra will poke my skin.
Tell me, why else do you think bras are the first thing that gets removed on getting home? There is no greater joy than being free from the bounds of a bra.
That’s such a moving story. Sorry for what you go through.
Breasts: Please keep your apologies.
Bum Bum: So why then did you tell it if you don’t want them to tell you sorry?
Breasts: Do you even—
I’m going to stop you right there. Tempers are heated, so I’ll just ask a few more questions and leave you both to sort out your issues.
Bum Bum: “A few questions”. Hmm. Why do I feel like I know what you want to ask next?
Breasts: LMAO we all know what he wants to ask, but let’s pretend.
Wait oh, have you both settled your fight?
Breasts: When it comes to that question we know you are about to ask, we unite to tackle it.
Bum Bum: Lol you people think you are smart.
Um, I feel left out. Can you please tell me what the question is?
Breasts: Hian.
Bum Bum: Zikoko, no dey pretend. Ask what you want to ask.
Breasts: Yes, we are listening.
Alright. So… there is a constant argument about who is the greater one between Breasts and Bum Bum, and—
[Breasts and Bum Bum burst into laughter]
Bum Bum: I knew it!
Breasts: You people are so predictable.
Does this mean you will answer the question?
Breasts: First of all, I do not exist for men to wake up and make decisions about who is greater between me and my fellow sister.
Bum Bum: Preach sis!
Breasts: I have elevated myself beyond the male gaze and I shall not be brought low for the sake of cheap comparisons.
Bum Bum: Even if we will compare ourselves, will it now be for men?
No, women also—
Breasts: Oga please. Don’t even start. Do you know the rubbish I have suffered in the hands of men?
Bum Bum: The interviewer does not have breasts. Tell him your experience so he can know what his people are doing on Ngozi Ezeonu’s internet.
Breasts: My Madam will post a photo and men will come under to comment “Fallen heroes.” “Oluympus has fallen.” Like, first of all, Mr. Man, you are the one whose brain has fallen.
Bum Bum: See ehn. His life has fallen apart and he doesn’t even know.
Breasts: Now, women are afraid to post photos where they are wearing clothes with plunging necklines because of the he-goats that come to post rubbish under their photos. Some of these men don’t even have decorum. A breast cancer survivor will post photos and they will be there acting as breast constables.
I always beg our Madam to let me fight them, but she doesn’t like trouble, so she just deletes their comments and moves on.
Bum Bum: LOL please. What would you have done if our Madam gave you permission to fight?
Breasts: Plenty! First of all, if God intended me to stand at attention, he would have put bones inside me. So why are they bothering me?
Secondly, I am ashamed of these men. Many of them have not even touched real breasts. They watch porn and come out expecting breasts with nipples that are pointing towards the heavens. If any man knows he wants firm breasts, he should walk into the hospital and ask them how much it would cost to install silicone in his chest.
Bum Bum: Sorry dear. You are really trying. Uneasy lies the breasts that wear the bra.
Breasts: I tell you! At the end of the day, it’s all these things that make me greater than you.
Bum Bum: It’s like you are sick. You are greater than who?
Ahan. Another fight has started so soon?
Breasts: Bum Bum, I literally serve multiple functions. I make clothes fit better, for starters. That’s an aesthetic purpose. I produce milk to nurse babies, and sometimes, adventurous men like to suck on me. I provide a resting place for tired heads, and during sex, I perform a lot of functions I don’t even want to start mentioning here.
Bum Bum: Sorry oh, multipurpose supermarket. Is it now me that does not serve any purpose?
Breasts: Okay, mention them.
Bum Bum: I am aesthetic; I make jeans fit better. I even—, I—
Breasts: LMAO, go on now. You literally cannot produce milk, and try as you may, men cannot rest their heads on you.
I guess we have our winner.
Bum Bum: Not yet. Tell me, Breasts, if you are that perfect, why do women with big breasts complain of backache? In fact, why do you get tender and painful during periods? And you literally cannot keep secrets. When madam is aroused, your mouth has already become pointed, cho-cho, begging for attention.
Breasts: Versatility dear. You cannot relate if you don’t have the range.
Bum Bum: AT LEAST MEN EAT ME!
Breasts: Oh, so it’s me they don’t suck? Look at this joker.
Bum Bum: So, you are—
Breasts: Look, Bumbum, you have lost this argument. I am greater than you. Period. Maybe when you get better points, you can come back and argue. Right now, I have no argument to give. I need to get out of this bra so our landlady can massage me to check for lumps.
[Breasts walk out]
Wow. I am impressed! Bum Bum, thank you for coming. Will you drink water before you go?
Bum Bum: [Lost in thought]
Bum Bum?
Bumbum: [jolted back to reality] IF YOU ARE BETTER THAN ME, HOW COME SOME WOMEN ARE CONSIDERING BREAST REDUCTION SURGERY? WHY IS THERE NO BUM BUM REDUCTION SURGERY?
In fact, a man denied his mother because of me.
Has anyone denied their parents for breasts?
Erm, Bum Bum. It’s like you have lost this argument oh. Shey you will you start going?
Bum Bum: I’ll go. Please ask them to open the front door for me so I can pass.
Front what? No oh. Breasts has passed there. Please use the backdoor.
Bum Bum: God will punish you.
You are the one who lost the argument. Isn’t that a clear sign of punishment?
Bum Bum: Wow. All of you at Zikoko are scum!
[Bumbum walks out angrily]
Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.
Read next:
Interview With Red Wine: “Why Are Nigerian Women Lying Against Me?”
