Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
The country is going through so much these days. In the midst of it all, we are overlooking some important characters: the Eagle and the two Horses on Nigeria’s Coat of Arms.
Today on Interview With, we brought them in to ask how they are coping. Their answers will blow your mind.
Zikoko: Hello. Thank you so much for taking the time to join us today.
Eagle: You’re welcome.
Horse 1: It’s nothing.
Horse 2: Thank you for having us.
We understand that you’re very busy, so we will make this snappy.
Horse 2: Busy doing what?
Eagle: [Loud laughter]
Horse 1: You people should behave now. Let it not be that everyone will know what is going on.
Horse 2: LMAO. Any Nigerian that does not know what is going on at this point, well, sorry for that person.
Eagle: Abi oh.
Horse 1: Still, that does not mean—
Um, sorry to interrupt you. I’m lost, please.
Eagle: Look, Mr Interviewer, we are not busy at all.
Horse 2: We stopped being busy a long time ago. So all this talk of making the interview short because we are busy, please just forget it. Ask us anything you want to know.
Horse 1: [Sigh]
Mad oh. Okay, how did you end up being on the coat of arms?
Horse 2: As how?
As in, of all the animals in this country, why did they choose two horses and an eagle?
Horse 1: I guess it’s because of what we represent. Eagle represents strength, and me and my brother here, we represent Nigeria’s dignity.
Horse 2: Which useless dignity?
Eagle: E reach to ask.
Horse 2: Eagle, leave him, let him answer me. I say which dignity? Me and you both know that people are now borrowing us to do photoshoot, so where is the dignity?
If we had the dignity you are mentioning, do you think we would be doing photoshoot as side hustle?
Ah. So you were the one in Tobi Bakre’s photoshoot?
Horse 2: That is one job I hope I never do again. The way Tobi grabbed my neck ehn, I wanted to ask him that, “If it was like this everybody has been grabbing me, would you have met me alive?” But I don’t blame him sha. It’s the country that led me into this mess.
Horse 1: Before you think we are corrupt, please understand that it’s desperation that made us take that job. We have seen what this country does to other animals, and despite being paraded as celebrity animals on the coat of arms, we knew it would reach our turn one day.
Look at Lion, king of the jungle. He entered Nigeria and correct sapa became his true love.
What is sapa?
Horse 2: Poverty plus hunger.
Damn, double homicide.
Horse 2: Oho. If a tragedy this great can befall him, how much more me and my fellow horse who do not have any chieftaincy titles whatsoever?
I’m curious: how much did Tobi Bakre offer you for the photoshoot?
Horse 1: 2k.
Horse 2: [Hisses] Urgent 2k that I used to buy Strepsils to cure my sore throat. Anyway sha, I have learnt my lesson. Photoshoot is now from N5k upwards. To grab neck, N10k. No pay, no pose.
But why this line of action?
Eagle: This is why I hate all these interviewers.
Sorry?
Eagle: You saw how some animals are being elevated above others in this country, and you are still coming here to ask us why this line of action. What else do you want us to do?
Horse 2: See ehn.
Eagle: In this very country, a snake entered JAMB office and swallowed 36 million naira, you did not ask why. In this very country, cows are first class citizens and actual Nigerians are second class citizens, yet you did not ask why. Ordinary 2k that we are collecting for photoshoot, you are asking why. Abeg abeg.
I’m sorry.
Horse 2: Omo, your sorry cannot do anything. It’s Lord Lugard you should go and beg. Let him undo this curse of a country. I am tired of holding up a shield with my fellow horse. Let us relax small.
Eagle: The way I am tired of perching! I don’t know why they made me stay on the coat of arms at all. I honestly don’t get it.
Horse 2: You are even trying. Only you, Coat of Arms, only you EFCC logo.
Wait wait. Are you the same Eagle on the EFCC logo?
Eagle: When I say this country keeps sharing people, did you think I was lying? I am a living example. As if my work as Coat of Arms eagle is not enough, they still came and put me inside photoshoot for EFCC logo.
Shebi you see how rough my hair looks in the photo. They didn’t even allow me to brush it.
Horse 1: That’s why you tried to escape to Canada, isn’t it?
Wait what?
Horse 2: MUST YOU SAY EVERYTHING?! It’s in your mouth they will hear that Aisha Buhari is no longer sleeping at home.
Eagle: Who knows, he’s probably the one that went to snitch and made them catch me at the border.
Horse 1: It’s not me oh.
Eagle: That one is even your personal problem. That they caught me the first time does not mean I will not try again. Even Buhari did not become president on the first attempt.
But can’t we try to fix things or make a way for Nigeria?
Horse 2: Pele oh, way maker.
Eagle: Miracle worker, promise keeper.
Horse 2: Light in the darkness.
Horse 1: My God!
Eagle: That is who you are.
Horse 1: I didn’t say that to side you people. I said “My God” because I was tired of how you ganged up against the interviewer.
Horse 2: This kind of behaviour will not get you anywhere. You probably need to become a cow first, and then they can elevate you.
Eagle: Tell us, Interviewer, since you seem to know everything. What is Nigeria’s motto?
Unity and Faith, Peace and Progress.
Eagle: Good. Do you know where they are now?
Um...
Horse 2: An Igbo family has adopted them. Go to Nnewi or Anambra and shout Unity, Faith, Peace, Progress and see if those four girls will not come rushing.
Wow.
Horse 1: Don’t let—
Horse 2: There is nothing wow here. If Unity and Faith, Peace and Progress can go back to their family house, who are we not to find a means to survive?
So what’s the plan now?
Horse 1: No, listen—
Horse 2: Na mumu dey talk him plan for interview.
Eagle: Me I will say it. By this time next year, I will be in Canada. I declare it into existence.
But if you all leave, what will become of our great nation, the giant of Africa?
Eagle: Burna Boy is your giant. Let me rest.
Horse 1: We can’t all leave. I am ready to make things better.
Horse 2: Nobody is stopping you. But open your eyes. Aisha Buhari the first lady is in Dubai.
Eagle: Even Buhari went to the UK and is currently collecting breeze.
Horse 2: So what is now my own, me that I’m an ordinary horse? Omo, you better pick your passport and one or two clothes and—
You have a passport??
Eagle: Things fall apart, the centre cannot hold.
Horse 2: Is it now us that will now hold?
[The horses gallop away. The Eagle dusts its wings and flies out through the window]
Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.
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