Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
For years, Red Wine has been the subject of many accusations by Nigerian women.
Today on Interview With, Red Wine sits with us to discuss how it feels about these accusations and tries to clear its name.
Zikoko: Thank you, Red Wine, for taking out time to have this conversation with us.
Red Wine: I’m just here to set the records straight.
You sound irritated. Is it the weather?
I am actually irritated. But the weather is not the major reason. I have been in Nigeria for quite some time, and I have learned to endure all the problems here, including bad power supply and bad weather. So the weather doesn’t move me.
Ehya. So the bad power supply affects you too…
It does.
I see.
I mean, you Nigerians don’t completely care. I have seen your people crack open a warm bottle of wine and drink it. I have seen them serve wine in tumblers instead of glass cups. In fact, I have seen Nigerians use kitchen bowls to drink wine. A good number of your people don’t care about elegance. They just want to drink and get it over with.
Is this strange for you?
Very. I mean, I have lived a good life. From America to London to Paris, you mention it. I have appeared in movies, dinner tables, romantic settings, everything. Like, I have experienced luxury.
But then I entered Nigeria and I saw shege. Right now, I am looking for an escape route. If I find it eh, hmm. You people better hold on to your palm wine and Four Cousins. Or maybe the Blood of Jesus sha.
Blood of Jesus?
Is it not red?
It is.
Do you people not share it at Holy Communion?
We do.
So what seems to be the problem?
Okay, wait. Is there a particular reason why Nigeria annoys you so much?
[Red Wine pouts]
Is it something we have done?
[Red Wine folds her hands and turns up her face]
Or are you scared that the Blood of Jesus will put you out of business?
The Blood of Jesus is for spiritual purposes. I take the carnal side. Let’s not get confused here.
Okay then, what exactly is the problem?
Nigerian women.
Now you are talking. What did Nigerian women do to you?
They are lying against me and I want them to stop.
Lying against you that what?
That I make them horny.
Ehen. You don’t mean it.
They even say that when this happens, they make wild decisions.
Do you have proof of any of these accusations?
Are you a lawyer?
I am a Nigerian woman.
And so?
If you are going to accuse us of lying against you, come with evidence.
I knew this day would come
That’s the evidence.
So, where is the lie?
Are you not ashamed of yourself? Lying against an innocent wine like me?
No. Red Wine, are you not ashamed of yourself? Denying your own handiwork?
How oh?
I know what you do to me when I take one sip of you.
Ha.
I know what you do to other women too.
I—
So to have you come here and start lying that you don’t touch us down there is a lie.
Madam—
In fact, there is research to back it up.
Will you let me talk?
Talk.
I’m not saying that I don’t make women feel something down there oh. What I am fighting for is that the lie is too much.
How is it too much?
You Nigerian women are horny already. My own is just additional. After all, women in other countries drink me and I touch them too. Do they go about tweeting memes like this?
Why must Nigerian women be different? I want you people to take responsibility for once!
We say to women, you can be horny but not too horny so—
Please, please, please. You don’t even seem to care how this makes me feel. I attend events and people do not see me for who I am, instead I am seen as that red devil that causes commotion for women. Is that how you want people to remember me when I die?
We tell them—
My words are not even entering your ears.
We teach women to shrink their horni—
It’s enough oh. You people want to blame me, abi? Oya go ahead. Go ahead and refuse to take responsibility.
My head will judge. That’s what me I know sha. My head will judge.
[Red Wine carries her handbag and storms out]
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