Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
Truth or Dare is a very popular game in the Nigerian party scene. From birthday bashes to house parties, Truth or Dare always makes an appearance, especially when horny Nigerian men are involved.
So, we decided to speak to Truth or Dare to find out how it feels about inadvertently becoming the go-to game for turning a simple party into a den of iniquity.
Zikoko: It’s great to have you here.
Truth or Dare: [yawns] Thanks for having me.
You seem tired. Are you okay?
With the number of house parties I’ve been to this month alone, how will I not be tired?
House parties ke? We are in the middle of a panini.
Do your fellow Nigerians know that? It’s like they think corona didn’t do crossover service with them. They’ve just been throwing parties up and down, and they are even hornier than ever — I didn’t think that was possible.
LMAO. It can’t be that bad now.
Honestly, someone should have warned me about Nigeria. If I had known your men were this horny, I would have stayed away. When my fellow party games were being deployed to foreign countries, I would have never agreed to be deployed to Nigeria at all.
Seriously? Why are Nigerian men so horny? Why have they turned an innocent game like me into an opportunity to fornicate?
You, innocent? Truth or Dare, abeg. We know your gist.
This is the problem. Anything Nigerians touch like this, it becomes corrupt. They abuse it, overwork it, and alter its life’s purpose. I am a living example.
I mean, look at me. People in other countries use me to discover fun truths about their friends and dare strangers to dance, but let me be brought into a Nigerian party, and it becomes Sodom and Gomorrah in seconds.
The first person always pretends to have sense, daring someone to do something basic, but by the second or third person, you’re already hearing “Tunde, we dare you to touch Amaka’s breasts.”
Ah. Do you remember when this started?
It’s all I’ve ever known. Nigerian men have always been horny, and I am just one of the many avenues they use to express it. Even 30+ men want to use me to see the colour of Ada’s pant. At your big age, pant is exciting you?
LMAO. You’ve really been through a lot.
What I want to know is why do Nigerians hate openly talking about sex, yet want to make EVERYTHING sexual? And why are they using me to carry out their agenda?
It’s almost like there’s no escape. Even when someone chooses Truth, the next thing they hear is: “Oya tell us your favourite sex position” or “Do you like doggy?” Whyyyy?
This is not what I signed up for. Do they ever pause to think that when they ask Funmi, who is clearly uncomfortable, to remove her bra, it makes me feel like a pervert?
When the babe now refuses, they will start calling her childish. You that you need a party game — that was made for kids — to see a woman’s bra, are you the adult? Nonsense.
I—
I’m sorry I’m ranting. I’ve just really needed to vent.
That’s fair, but certainly, there must be some Nigerians who don’t misuse you.
Oh please. Have you ever been to a Nigerian party? I hate to say it, but Nigerians would fornicate at a wake-keep if they could. Just let someone bring me in, and the next thing you know, Michael has dared Femi to press the dead body’s breasts.
By the way, why are Nigerian men so obsessed with breasts? Is it a cultural thing? I am genuinely worried when I see how they jump at any opportunity to grope, squeeze, or fondle breasts. Were y’all deprived of breasts as children?
That’s an unfair generalisation.
Well, Nigerian men have been unfair to me too.
Do you see a way out of this?
Honest truth? The Nigerian government should have just banned fornication instead of cryptocurrency. Or maybe put people in horny jail or something. A lot of people would sit up.
Nigerians are naturally overzealous, now imagine this overzealousness being applied to horniness and fornication. It’s almost like fornication will go out of existence the way Nigerians go at it.
Do you want Zikoko to file a petition to the government?
This government? Please. Even your government heads usually bring me into their parties. Imagine it, Truth or Dare for corrupt and aged political figures.
The things those old men use me for. Believe me, the corruption in this country is a natural resource. Like crude oil. It flows from the leaders and reaches the people below.
So what do you think is the way out?
Uneasy lies the Truth or Dare that comes to Nigeria. That’s what I have learned. Right now, all I hope for is the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
As for fornication and horniness in Nigeria, that is something I cannot change. It is simply beyond my power
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