Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
How does it feel to be constantly dragged by the people you nourish? Black Amala and White Amala (Lafun) have experienced this firsthand. Today on Interview With, we sit with them to hear how they feel about it, and in response, they reply all their haters.
Zikoko: Hello besties! It’s nice to have you here.
White Amala: You and who is bestie?
Black Amala: LMAO I hate the audacity of Nigerians. They’ll chat shit about you behind your back, and when they see you, they’ll try famzing. Talo ni bestie werey?
Um, could you please translate that Yoruba? Some of our readers don’t understand Yoruba and some of them live abroad.
Black Amala: Oh, they don’t understand Yoruba but they understand how to drag innocent swallows like me, abi?
White Amala: Anyway, talo ni bestie werey means who is the bestie of an unwell person, or something like that?
Oh wow.
Black Amala: I should not have come here at all. In fact, when my agent received your email saying that Zikoko humbly requested my presence, I hissed and went back to play with gbegiri and ewedu. If not for White Amala that kept pestering me, I would not have answered you.
White Amala: What is this rubbish you are saying? Which White Amala pestered you? Was I not on my own?
Black Amala: Ah, Lafun. Why are you lying like this? Did you not enter okada to my house to beg me that we should go, that this interview would be good for your public image because many people don’t know you?Why are you changing story now that we’re in their office?
White Amala: Amala Dudu, please come off it. Who said they don’t know me? Yes, you might be the face of the family, but I am white and you are black. In the long run, I will still be preferred to you.
Ah, ah, ah, is that colourism I detect in your tone? We don’t do that here.
White Amala: You can detect colourism, but Itohan Esekheigbe is still working with you people after she dragged Amala. Make it make sense.
No, Itohan is—
Black Amala: Allowed to go about her daily life after insulting us, isn’t it? And don’t even try to defend her. Let me read out what she said:
People who have Amala as their favourite food act like die-hard music stans. At least the music stans can say they admire a real person. These people are ready to go to war over swallow????? They are not just lovers of it, they are a legion. If Amala is your favourite swallow, you need to rethink your life choices. What are you doing wrong? Who did you offend? Are your village people working overtime again?
What Your Favourite Swallow Says About You
Again, I apologise. Can we start afresh please?
White Amala: Start.
Black Amala: [Looks away]
Alright. Welcome to Interview With. Zikoko is pleased to have you. Today, we would like for you to address some things people have said about you.
Black Amala: [Mumbles] It’s not enough that people are saying things about me, I must also get up here to defend myself. Okay oh. Amala Keating.
White Amala: Amala Dudu, must everything be about you? After all, people say things about me too. This is a chance to set things right, why are you bent on ruining everything with a fight?
Black Amala: Lafun, let me tell you something you don’t know today. When people talk about Amala, I can assure you that they don’t have you in mind. I am the face of the Amala community. Me, gbegiri, ewedu, and soup. And I think we get more hate because of my skin colour. You Nigerians are colourist. If you were the face of the Amala community, the hate would be lesser. I mean, look at pounded yam. He goes out with his wife Efo Riro, and everyone is dying over them. We are made from the same tuber of yam, and I know for sure that I taste better than him, but-
Cap.
Black Amala: What did you say?
I said Capernaum. That’s where Zikoko wants to open a new branch.
Black Amala: Oh.
White Amala: First of all, I would like to begin by saying that my name is Lafun. I am made of cassava flour, unlike Black Amala that is made of yam. But people have called me White Amala because they recognise that I am your sibling, in taste and consistency. And that is why I disagree with what you said about you receiving hatred from people. Listen, my name is mentioned to people and the first thing they say is, “White Amala should not exist.” At least they want you to exist, they just don’t want to eat you. But me, they want me to be wiped out of existence. Is there any injustice and hatred that is greater than this? [White Amala breaks down in tears]
This is supposed to be a fun interview. Why are you making it emotional?
Black Amala: There’s nothing funny about being insulted by the people you are meant to nourish.
White Amala: Nothing at all.
Okay, but what do you suggest we do?
Black Amala: Start by querying Itohan Esekheigbe for that article of hers. Amala, ewedu, gbegiri and soup is not a combination you should slander. At this point, hating Amala is a character flaw.
White Amala: Maybe when you do that, we can return to your office for a proper interview.
No, wait. We are—
[Black Amala and White Amala walk out]
Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.
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