Everyday by 12pm for the next 21 days, I’ll be telling you what life is like at NYSC Camp. I was posted to Borno State, but the camp holds in Katsina state due to Boko Haram insurgency in Borno. You can read all the stories in the series here.
6:30AM
The countdown begins; NYSC camp will soon become a thing of the past. But before this happens, the soldiers are bent on showing us who is superior. It’s another day, another round of drills and marching and wondering what exactly all this will amount to. I go through the activities of bathing, brushing, and dressing up a little confused about what I am doing. Let’s be honest, do we understand what we as doing in this Nigeria?
8:30 AM
I am on air again. I host the current affairs and today in history segment. Today, I bring a twist to the show — interesting facts about the human body. Did you know, for example, that when you kiss someone you pass on 278 bacteria to them? Relax, you Farm Equipment. 95% of these bacterias are harmless. You’re probably thinking, “Only 5% are harmful, no wahala,” but think of mouth odour. What if it is caused by the remaining 5%? You better stop kissing entirely. Something that is not even sweet.
Breakfast is pap and beans, as per recycle of meals. I add milo and peak milk to the pap, and mehn, issa cruise.
1:15PM
Chopist class. And I am here to enjoy it to the fullest. ENJOYMENT GALORE. We are learning how to make doughnuts. The instructor tells us about the punctured doughnuts, the non-puncture(d) ones (that is, doughnut wey no get hole for centre), jam doughnuts, glazed doughnuts, etc. Then we set about mixing our dough and leaving it to rise, kneading it, rolling it and then cutting it into pretty circles of dough. We place them on a tray and set it out in the sun so it can rise again.
In the meantime, we learn how to make a pancake and I am given a bit of it to taste, but someone smacks it out of my hand to the floor after I take one bite. Shebi you see that bad belle full everywhere.
Anyway, we fry the doughnuts and they come out brown and fluffy, with some of them having a slight crisp that makes it even more enjoyable. And it’s hot too. Imagine this kind of delicacy going with a bottle of cold Fanta.
I swear, after this SAED training, na to go open shop remain. We’re going to do gizdodo tomorrow. I don’t know what that is, but I’m guessing a combination of gizzard and dodo.
3:10PM
This is the moment when I discover Teni’s Billionaire. I love it! Especially the thing that sounds like “Crip!” which was mentioned at the beginning. It’s a wonder of a song, and the music video has a story that I really love. So far in this year, Tiwa Savage’s 49-99 and Billionaire are the two music videos I have found love in. Yes. There are other music videos, but I hardly know them because I no dey watch TV. Where I wan get see am? Thank God for YouTube and the gift of brand new music videos.
7:00PM
Dinner is rice and a river of stew. A small meat too. I head to Mammy Market to get something to snack on, but it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for you to find proper snacks at that market.
K. joins me at Mammy Market to rent dresses for the lady who is representing our platoon for the Miss Camp/Miss NYSC competition. The dresses look like Mary Amaka gowns, some that look like costume for church drama, some look like maternity gowns, some look like the costume for someone playing angel in a Christmas carol. And there’s that tacky red and black dress with false diamonds and whorls of sliver and black gathers. It looks like something a masquerade should parade in. Who on earth designs these things?
In the end, we shortlist three dresses: one complicated looking but actually simple dress with a train. It has leaves printed on it, and it makes me think of coffee, but it is beautiful. The second dress is a tornado of gold fabric. It looks like the adult version of those ready-made gowns they buy for girls at Christmas. All that remains is a hat with rubber band to hold it under the chin, plastic sunglasses, and white socks trimmed with organza, and a baby girl is a born.
The third dress doesn’t even size our prospective queen. It has been slimfitted to death and even though it looks like it has prospects, we do not get to see it. The woman says not to worry, that we can loosen it out.
After this shopping, we head to another stall to price glitter for our Mr. Macho. I hear that we will rub groundnut oil on his abs and smear him with glitter so that when he flexes his chest and stands before the whole camp in his underwear, ladies can fall in love. American Wonder part three and four. Orisirisi.
8:45 PM
Another OBS meeting. It means no social night, but OBS meetings are long so I don’t even know what to feel. But I do something new. As soon as the Camp PRO finishes addressing us and an OBS exco comes up to start part two of the meeting, I promptly fall asleep. No be me una go kill, abeg.
