At some point, we’ve had to deal with customer service agents whether at banks or with telecom companies or regular stores. It seems a majority of Nigerian customer representatives react the same way, so we compiled what we think is their training manual. Take a look.
1. What is common sense?
Never apply logical reasoning to easy matters. When you should make on-the-spot decisions, make sure you consult the company CEO and handbook first to confirm what to do.
2. Always be angry
Never forget you are the incredible hulk. Always be angry, use terms like “I’m not in my best mood now”, “You are testing my patience”.
3. Always ask for bribes
Never forget; Your reward is not in heaven, it is here on earth and you must ask for it.
4. Always waste time
Take your time always. You are the last resort of the customer enjoy and prolong the attention as much as you want. Never do things as soon as you can.
5. No matter what, perfect your gaming skills
Its just the rules, no matter the length of the line, or the screams, remember if you have not finished your Spider Solitaire game you might just die. Remember to blame it on the network.
6. Always understand “urgent” means “do it next week”
What is an ‘urgent’? That word does not appear in your dictionary. It took a president over three months to present a ministerial list, who are you to do things quickly even if it’s a matter of life and death?
7. The customer is never king
Forget about what people think or the cliches. Never treat the customer specially. In fact, try to throw subtle jabs at the customer. All the other customers that don’t have problems do they have two heads?
8. Delete “thank you” from your dictionary
Thank you? What is that? Never appreciate the customer after-all it was you who solved his/her problem.
9. Don’t ever stress yourself
Your life, your sweat, your energy should be reserved. Nobody is worth the stress. If the product you bought is bad go and buy another one or go meet the owner of the company. But if you are “dropping something” you can be helped quickly.
10. Your break is more important than anybody
Long line? Angry customers? Urgent situations? Make sure at 1:00 PM you take your break no matter what. IF you don’t eat your lunch it will waste. Even Jesus slept during a storm. Always take your break.
