Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old man who had only ever had sex with women until last month. After unexpectedly making out with a guy at a party, he had his bisexual awakening, and now he feels like he just hit reset on his life.
When did you have sex for the first time?
I was about 13 or 14. It actually happened with a prostitute.
Sorry. What?
Yeah. I went to an all-boys catholic school and my friend took me to a caban (a brothel). This was around 2005 or 2006, and it cost me N500. I remember when we got there, the lady I ended up having sex with was eating eba. My friend spoke to the person in charge, and he organised the whole thing. The prostitute was super impatient. She just wanted me to finish and be going.
Wait. If you were no more than 14 at the time, wasn’t this like statutory rape?
What’s their business? I’m sure the students in my school were their biggest customers — our building was right behind theirs. At the time I went, they weren’t very popular in the school, but later we just started hearing that boys were flocking there. It gave everyone who went serious street cred.
When did you first have sex with someone who wasn’t a prostitute?
I think I was maybe 17 or 18. Between that time and losing my virginity, I only made out and got head from like two people. I remember almost trying anal sex at some point, but I couldn’t find the asshole. Honestly, I’m still trying to figure out where the asshole is.
LMAO. I’m not even going to touch that. So, how often do you have sex now?
Before last month, the last time I actually had sex was 2016. It was with a prostitute and it was horrible. I only did it because it had been a minute. But that’s when I knew I was done with transactional sex. It just didn’t do anything for me, and I could barely maintain my erection.
The thing is, I never used to feel like I was good enough. So whenever I fell in love with or was drawn to a woman, I never had the courage to do anything about it. Out of the 11 women I’ve had sex with, I never really had any strong emotional ties to any of them. Being with them was easy because I knew I wasn’t at risk of getting my heart broken.
Fair. You said, “before last month”. What happened last month?
Yeah. So, I went to a house party. It was hosted by a gay friend of mine. My actual intention was just to breeze through and show face. My friend was mad because I hadn’t visited him in a while.
So, imagine me just trying to perform my friendly obligation and the next thing I know, I’m holding hands with a guy I’d just met, feeling many, many things all at once.
OH? How did that happen?
So, I entered the party, we made eye contact, and then we casually said hi to each other. He was talking with my friend, the one hosting the party. I remember thinking, “I’ll go talk to him after.”
The stranger? Why did you want to talk to him?
Now that I think about it, that was probably me being interested in him. At the time, however, my intentions were completely innocent. I was just thinking we’d have a nice chat and I’d make a new friend.
But now, I guess there was obviously an underlayer of attraction. I mean, why did I want to speak to him? It was because I saw his fine face. That’s why when it all went down, it was very easy.
What exactly went down?
I was smoking a cigarette and he asked for it. Then I tried to give it to him, but he didn’t take it from me. He just took my hand to his mouth and smoked. I thought that was REALLY interesting.
Then I went to sit beside him. This is the point where the rest of the night becomes a bit of a blur. I still don’t know how my hand slipped into his, but it just sort of happened. I don’t think I initiated it though. I was really just following his lead.
So, the hand-holding was happening for a bit — I really, really like holding hands — and then he kissed my neck. In my mind, I was like, “Oh? So, you’re kissing a boy tonight?” Honestly, I still hadn’t even considered it as a possibility up until that point.
Lmao. Wow. You were really not reading the signs.
Clearly not. Anyway, I turned to him and he kissed me on the lips. I must have really liked it because anytime somebody looked away, I would bring my face to his and we’d sneak a kiss.
Eventually, I suggested that we go look for water in the kitchen. This was really just an excuse for us to have enough privacy to kiss properly. It was at this moment that I really got fucked up.
He would kiss me, take a step back, look at me and say stuff like “You’re so handsome”. For the first time in a really long time, I felt truly seen.
Did you guys only kiss?
No. We moved it to the bathroom and jerked each other off. I remember when we were making out, it was so intense that I suddenly felt the urge to tell this complete stranger that I loved him. I figured it was just a fluke that came in the heat of passion, but for the next couple of days, I couldn’t stop thinking about him.
Hian. How did it escalate to that point?
I think I’m the one that fucked up. After we finished in the bathroom, I should have just let it end there, but I still wanted to hold his hand and shit. I didn’t want him to feel like I only wanted to hook up and bounce. In retrospect, I think he would have probably preferred that.
I was even holding his hand when I was driving him home, which is really hard to do. I was struggling to turn the steering wheel, while I was holding his hand and kissing it. Looking back, I know I shouldn’t have done all that.
So, how did you process what was happening?
I had an existential crisis, but it wasn’t the kind you’d expect after something like this. I wasn’t freaking out about the fact that I’d just hooked up with a boy; everything in my head was about my supposed feelings for him. I wasn’t even worried about what all this meant about my sexuality, I was just super focused on him.
That sounds intense.
Yeah. He was the face of everything that was happening to me at that moment. Instead of me to settle down and deal with this new revelation about myself, I was too busy focusing on him and what I thought was love.
Did you reach out to him when all this was happening?
Yeah. It happened on Friday. I didn’t reach out on Saturday because I was trying to be strong. By Sunday evening, I couldn’t form any longer. I just gave in and texted him.
Then what?
In all honesty, this is where I started acting crazy. He didn’t actually do anything wrong. I was just expecting an insane amount of consistency from this total stranger. But in my head, I felt like I knew him. I mean, he was all I was thinking about that time. Maybe if I had just calmed down, we’d still be talking now.
You guys aren’t talking anymore? Why?
He wasn’t matching my energy, so I unfollowed him on Instagram. Then when he noticed, he blocked me. I tried to reach out later, but I guess he was done with my shit. Thankfully, I no longer feel anything that all-consuming for him. That has been replaced with a fondness because he was my first.
Have you hooked up with other guys since then?
Yeah. I had sex with a guy not too long after that. It was a friend. We went out for drinks, talked for a bit in my car, and I ended up at his place. It wasn’t actually the plan when I decided to go out that night, but I really liked it. Now, I feel seasoned.
So, how would you label yourself now?
It’s all so new to me. Even though I don’t really believe in labels, I understand that they matter. So, if I had to label myself, I’d call myself a very powerful bisexual.
LMAO. Love it. Now that you’ve had this realisation, do you think there’s a possibility you were ever repressing this part of yourself?
Well, probably. As I said, I went to an all-boys catholic school and there is nothing they hated more than homosexuality. I still have the voice of our administrator, who was a priest, echoing in my head. He always got heated when discussing this topic. So, with all that messaging, I probably repressed it subconsciously.
There were actually a few times in secondary school that I woke up to find a boy giving me head. I was a horny kid and it felt nice, so I never actually made an effort to stop them. In my mind, since I wasn’t the one who initiated it, it wasn’t a reflection of my sexuality.
How did it make you feel though?
I mean, I definitely used to have moments of guilt about enjoying it, especially with how intensely they preached against stuff like that.
You don’t consider any of those experiences your first time with a guy?
Pretending to be asleep while someone gives you head is not personal. You’re not really involved. With the guy at the party, it was my choice. I wasn’t intoxicated or anything. I simply wanted to kiss him.
That makes sense. So, what’s next for you considering your newfound sexuality?
I don’t mind the idea of belonging to the streets.
What the hell does that mean?
Lmao. Giving it to anyone who is willing to take. But seriously, I’m not making any conscious effort to hook up with anybody. The only person I can even hook up with now if I get horny is a babe — she’s been a regular fuck buddy. I don’t have any guys in my view, and I don’t know about hitting on one.
You don’t know how to or you don’t want to?
Honestly, I don’t want to. Men are assholes. I don’t have their energy. I mean, I probably will eventually, but not now.
Fair. Have you told the people in your life about all this?
Only one really close friend. Also told some other relatively new friends that I met on social media. Sometimes it’s easier to be open with people you don’t really know because their expectations of you aren’t set in stone. With old friends, telling them something so life-changing feels like a lot.
You don’t think you’ll ever tell them?
I would really like to. I mean, if I spend the entire year living my life as a powerful bisexual, are you telling me no one will know about my impact? Nah. I wouldn’t like that.
LMAO. What about women you’ll date moving forward, will you let them know?
I honestly don’t know. Nigerian women can be very biphobic. Maybe if it’s one of those babes that are always dropping woke threads on Twitter, then yes.
How would you rate your sex life?
I don’t think I have a sex life at the moment. Before last month, I wasn’t feeling or doing shit. I even started wondering if I was asexual. But now, I do feel like I’m starting again, so I’d say a zero. Maybe ask me this question again in a year.
