Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 24-year-old woman who prefers older men as sex partners because she doesn’t rate sex with men her age.
When did you have sex for the first time?
I was 15 and it was with a guy in my secondary school. We did it at a birthday party. He had a reputation for having had sex with a lot of girls. We had never spoken before, but during the party, I went upstairs to do something and I saw him. We got talking and before I knew it, I fell into sex.
Just like that? Had you been planning to have sex before?
Nope. My parents are pastors — my ears aren’t even pierced, that’s how serious they are — so I was actually scared of anything related to sex. Up until that point, I was a good girl. I had crushes and did nothing about them, didn’t kiss and I tried hard not to fantasize about people. I imagined that if I had bad thoughts about sex, my parents would somehow find out and punish me. I’m even confused about why I had sex with him, but lowkey, I know why I did it.
Why?
Two things actually. One — popularity. I knew that the guy would tell people I had sex with him. And I kinda wanted that. I was a dead babe; I wanted people to look at me beyond my ‘holy holy’ girl looks — I wanted to be part of the cool people in my year.
Did it happen?
Yeah. But it was short-lived. It was more like, “Ew why did he have sex with her?” I got bullied. It was messy, but I didn’t die.
Sorry to hear that.
Yeah. We do things when we’re young and stupid.
What was the second reason?
Rebellion. I wanted to start rebelling against my parents.
How did that work out?
Meh. Being bullied made me cave in. I felt that God caused the backlash because I sinned, so I sorta went back to him and all. Started going to the Bible club in school just to avoid the girls in my class picking on me.
Secondary school drama. Was the sex good at atleast?
Lmao. Nope. It was weird. I often think back and laugh because first of all, the guy couldn’t find the right hole. So much for the expertise he was known for. I couldn’t really feel anything when he entered. But he kept moaning as if he was crying. And I was like is this it?
Lmao wow.
You get. Even for someone with zero experience, I was mad. We didn’t really make out like that, he just raised my skirt, shifted my pant a little and that was it. I often wonder what I was thinking. He didn’t use a condom; I could’ve gotten pregnant or caught an STD, since he was “community penis”. I was just lucky.
Did this entire experience deter you from having sex?
In a way, but also not exactly. The backlash lasted for a short time because after a few weeks, we heard a rumour that someone was pregnant for our guy who couldn’t find the right hole. At the same time, it came out that he’d raped a junior. It was so messy. I started thinking maybe God even saved me.
This was actually what made me pause and start to think about my life and sex. I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it. My mum’s keywords on the discussion were “hellfire” and “pregnancy”. We often spent hours talking about sex without talking about it, and every conversation about anything always led to sex. It’s actually so wild.
So how long did it take you to figure it out?
I didn’t even have time to think properly before the next one happened. It was at a camp programme, with the son of a family friend who was staying in my family’s house. Like the first time, it just happened. One minute we were avoiding going to the main church with our families, the next minute we were having sex on my parent’s bed.
WOW.
Lool. Sometimes I think, is this really my life? You know the worst part?
What?
His mum came back to the house at that point.
WHAT?
Yup. She came to get something, but she thought we had already gone. All we know is we heard the door, singing, then the door again. That was it. Still, it was scary as fuck.
Wow. But how was the sex?
Painful. Just painful and awful. I had to tell him to stop. After that, I entered a pact to stop having sex. I was like, nope, God is counting it against me. My parents will find out and I will go to hell. So I stopped totally.
Until when?
I started having sex again when I turned 20 and was done with university.
How easy was it to stay off sex in university?
It was hard to stay off sex in uni, because everyone was doing it left, right and center. The only thing that made me feel better was knowing I hadn’t exactly had fantastic sex, so I was just like nah, this thing is overrated.
But surely you had crushes or boyfriends?
Yeah. I had a girlfriend even, but we didn’t have sex. I was just exploring. Funny enough, we met in fellowship. The first time we made out, it was on top Bible study. I went to her apartment, and the next thing, she was cupping my breast and looking at me funny. That ended because she had to get married. She was a lesbian, and her parents knew, but they made her marry a guy.
Making out with her was nice sha. I kept telling myself we’re not sinning, just so that I wouldn’t feel guilty.
Did you feel bad when your girlfriend left?
I felt bad she was marrying a man. Honestly, I didn’t exactly feel bad that she was leaving me. I had rebound make out sessions with strangers. It was in my last year in university. I’d go to a party, play games and end up making out, but no sex.
So when did you have sex again?
Camp. I think this was late 2016.
NYSC camp?
Lmao. Nope. Church camp with my parents. And this was when I knew sex was sex. Everything I’d been doing before was just nonsense. Let me just say that in uni, most of the people I was attracted to were older men. I once had a crush on my lecturer and used to fantasize about doing it in his office. LMAO. But I never really explored any attraction for older men until I got back to Nigeria and went to camp with my family.
I think this older man was a pastor, but I’m not sure. It’s one of those things where someone offers you a lift and you take it. Instead of taking me where I said I was going, we went to his lodge which was a bit far from the main church. Sometimes I think he jazzed me. He had a little bit of white on his hair, but he couldn’t have been more than 60. When we go there, he introduced me as his niece to the receptionist and we went to his room. He removed his clothes, lay on the bed and said I should come and eat him. Those were his words, come and eat me, I will never forget. That was the first time I gave head. I don’t regret it because he gave me head too and it was super lit.
For real?
Yup. We had sex and it was so good! Energy level was great. He was the right size too and it didn’t hurt. I was actually laughing after we finished because whew. That was when I knew what sex was.
Before, sex was that evil thing God was using to control my life, but after sex with that man, I could see that sex was the beautiful thing God wanted me to have. I had an orgasm for the first time when I was 20.
Woohoo. Did you keep in touch?
Lol. For what na? I just left and knew what my calling in life was: “Sex with older men.” The experience gave me the vibe that sex with young guys was generally just shit.
Fast forward to a few months, I started working in a company and the MD, an older man moved to me on my first week. He wasn’t necessarily as attractive as the first older man. But he was nice and as a bonus, he bought me stuff, so I was like, okay, good. I’m not having free sex yay!
Did the first older guy give you anything?
Lol yeah. Money for offering. 1000 naira.
LMFAO. Did he actually say it was for offering?
LOL. Nah. He said transport. Anyway. I was having sex with my MD for a while—
How old was he?
Early 40s. He was married with two kids.
Yikes.
Lol. See. That one is not my business. It’s actually not.
We did all sorts of things — 69, doggy and things I didn’t even know were possible. We used to roleplay and stuff, and we even had sex in his office once. But that had to end.
Why?
He started talking about leaving his wife for me, claiming that she was boring in bed. I don’t think I’m interesting in bed. Men only say this because I let them do what they want and my body is pretty soft like — What’s the softest thing you can think of?
Bread?
Yes! And I’m now really flexible and petite. Lol. Anyway, we both knew he was never going to do that ever. So I eventually left and blocked him everywhere. I feel bad, but also not.
Did you leave because it got complicated?
Nah. Other work issues. The place was just toxic.
So would you say you are no longer religious?
I’m still religious. We must make that heaven. But that sex ehn? Lol.
Interesting. Any more sexual experiences with older men?
A ton. Then I got pregnant. Recently.
Ah.
Yup. My mum found out and started crying. Lmao. I wasn’t sure who the father was at that point, because I was having sex with two people at the same time. One was an usher in my parents’ church. That one was not as good. I mean it was good but it wasn’t mad like that.
The other man I was having sex with was an older man I met in my estate. He’s in his 50s. It’s easy because I’m currently unemployed and the man is retired and divorced. He likes unconventional things, like me fingering and using toys on him. But he gives me the sex and spoils me, so I don’t mind. He was the one I spoke to about my pregnancy. He asked what I wanted to do. That was surprising. I expected him to be an asshole about it. I told him I wanted to get an abortion and he arranged it.
Were you not using protection?
Sometimes we forget. I forget. But I’m constantly getting my shots and I’m on the pill. That should count.
What did your mum say about the pregnancy?
I actually sat down with her after the abortion and talked to her about the things she did wrong in talking to me about sex. She actually apologised. Our relationship is a bit different now, a little better.
How do you find these older men though? Asking for a friend.
Honestly, I don’t know. But I don’t think there’s a formula to find older men. I look good and I take care of myself. Young men move to me, and I even tried one recently, but NEVER AGAIN. It was that bad.
Any plans to settle down?
I’m still young and I’m only just discovering the wonders of sex, so no plans to settle down yet. But I know the pressure will soon come. All my friends are settling down now. I’m just worried that I’ll marry someone my age and the sex will be bad, so I’ll have to cheat. Otherwise, is it not to marry an older man?
What’s the maximum age you can do?
Lol. I want to try a 90-year-old. Idk. Will their penises still function?
Hahaha. Aren’t you afraid that you’ll fall into the wrong hands?
In the beginning, I was scared because Nollywood gave me the wildest ideas. But you know what, who living safe help? I’ll keep screwing older men as long as they keep giving me pleasure and money. If I die, let it be known that I died in the pursuit of pleasure.
Mad. How would you rate your sex life happiness?
8. And that’s because I’m not fully independent. I still live with my parents, so I’m still sneaking around a little. Otherwise, yeah, I’m good.
