Aso-ebi — or “and co” or “uniform” — isn’t a bad idea on its own. What’s not to love about wearing colourful ‘fits that also serve as your full pass to party jollof and owambe souvenirs?
We’ll tell you what’s not to love: the cost. Sure, society says buying aso-ebi is a show of support but should you really be buying ₦80k aso-ebi with how bad the naira is crashing? Even bread is going on strike, these days.
Avoiding aso-ebi billing is an art, and here’s how you can do it:
Don’t have friends
Hear us out: If you have zero friends, who will disturb you about buying their wedding aso-ebi?
Accuse your bank
Take a page from Anna Delvey’s book and just say Emefiele has frozen your account because you didn’t get a credit alert for 60 days.
Blame your family
“My mother said her pastor told her that I must not wear the same clothes as anyone else.”
“We don’t wear blue lace in my family.”
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Turn off your WhatsApp read receipts
So you can always read and ignore any attempt to make you part with money in this Buhari era.
Say you’re busy that day
“Oh, your wedding is on the 5th? Chai. My dog’s vet’s neighbour is burying his dog on that same day. I’m so pained.” If they tell you to buy the aso-ebi like that, just run.
Start crying
Tell them all about how aso-ebi makes you remember your late family member that died while wearing aso-ebi at a burial. Anyone that forces you to buy after such a sad story is just heartless.
Tell them you’ve not eaten
The trick is, immediately you notice that aso-ebi talk is coming, just start lamenting about how you’ve not eaten for three weeks. They’ll run away on their own to avoid you asking them for money.
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Blame the planets
Mercury is in retrograde, Venus is rising and… look, the point is, it won’t be safe for you to go out that day. They have to understand.
If all else fails, claim amnesia
Just claim you don’t know them. Remember your mother said you shouldn’t have anything to do with strangers.
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