Brethren, I am here to rip the nostalgia goggles off your eyes so y’all can finally see that these biscuits that are the subjects of like 200 “your childhood sucked if you didn’t eat these” listicles are actually terrible.
Brace yourselves because I will NOT be holding anything back. Let’s get into it.
1. Speedy
This brand of chocolate mini-cookies (as the makers call it) was mad popular back in the 90s and 2000s and I still don’t understand why because they looked like goat shit. I tried so hard to like it that, at one point, I thought that if I poured them in milk, they would give off the same effect as Coco Pops.
I was wrong. It just looked like goat shit floating in milk.
Also, their mascot, the smiling rat that looks like he’s tripping balls, is a blatant rip-off of the Mexican Looney Tunes character, Speedy Gonzalez.
2. The round Okin
Okin had a good thing going with the rectangle-shaped shortcake cookies everyone knew and loved. Then they went ahead and made these round ones that tasted like sawdust. I blame their venturing into making sawdust-flavoured cookies (and not competition from imported biscuits, bad management, and changing economic fundamentals) for why they eventually went out of business.
3. Pepper Snacks
I wonder what Yoruba man with a penchant for chaos sat in a boardroom and convinced a bunch of investors that what Nigerian children in the 90s REALLY wanted was biscuits laced with pepper.
4. Fishly Snacks
I still don’t understand how people enjoyed this because fish-flavoured biscuits sound like the kind of thing that’ll be a staple on the refreshment list in hell for damned souls after being tortured.
If you liked this as a child, check yourself. You most likely have serial killer tendencies and I fear for your friends and family.
5. Coaster
What upset me the most about Coaster is that even though it tasted like lukewarm sand, the makers had the nerve to put so many in the packs (FIVE IN EACH), making it the popular choice for parents everywhere because it meant they could buy more for less.
DON’T @ ME!
And I ain’t taking shit back.
