The topic of how young Nigerians navigate romantic relationships with their earnings is a minefield of hot takes. In Love Currency, we get into what relationships across income brackets look like in different cities.
How long have you been with your partner?
We got married in 2020, so it’s been four years. But we started dating in 2017.
Tell me more about how you met
We both lived in Nigeria, and he and my cousin were old school friends. He got my number after my cousin posted one of my pictures on WhatsApp. We got talking, and then we planned to meet up at a mall. We were still just friends then, though. We officially started dating a few months after that meet-up.
My new relationship also coincided with my entry into the job market. I finished serving in 2017, just after we started dating and landed my first job in a client communications role at an asset management company.
How much were you earning then?
My salary was ₦110k/month, which was fair, but I didn’t love the role. I wanted to work in an auditing firm, but I was stuck in a job that was essentially customer service. I also worked weekends and public holidays, leaving no time to do anything else. That almost affected my relationship, but I made it work.
How did you do that?
A lot of planning and small trickery. My parents aren’t the type to let their children go out anyhow, so I had to be at home or work. My job sometimes lodged us in hotels for work, and that became my excuse. Even when work didn’t take me out of the house, I’d tell my mum we had to lodge overnight so I could see my partner.
My partner was also really intentional. He often picked me up in the evenings after work so we could spend time together. We were both intentional about going on dates and getting to know each other.
What was dating like in the early days… in terms of what it cost financially?
My partner and I were generous to each other. While he sometimes got extra income from his brand consultancy side gig, his salary from his 9-5 was in the same range as mine. Still, he often gave me gifts and paid for dates. I also got him gifts, but he sacrificed more.
In 2018, I took a salary cut to ₦70k to participate in a bank training school, and I lost my phone while struggling to catch a bus to work one day. My partner bought me a Samsung phone and a smartwatch to replace it.
His sacrifices taught me to be generous. I’d been burned before in a previous relationship at university and had vowed never to spend money on another guy. I was really gullible in that relationship o. I gave my ex half of my monthly allowances and even my salaries from undergraduate internships. Last last, he still broke my heart.
But when I saw my partner’s generosity, I had to step up. I think the first gift I got him was a ₦120k gold chain. Also, I occasionally paid when we went on dates. I honestly can’t keep track of all we have given each other from when we were dating to even now that we’re married.
Tell me about the wedding
We got married in the middle of 2020. It was a small sitting-room affair due to the lockdown. But that wasn’t the plan. We budgeted ₦6m to hold the ceremony a bit earlier in March, but COVID happened. By then, we’d already paid some vendors and secured a hall.
We couldn’t get most of the deposits back and had to repurpose some vendors for our slightly bigger traditional wedding in December. We lost a little above ₦1m altogether, which we’d committed to the hall and decoration. My husband handled most of the bills, though. I only paid for my outfits and makeup.
Did japa happen immediately?
No. We stayed in Nigeria for one more year. Before the wedding, I’d already gotten my dream job at one of the big four auditing firms and earned ₦550k/month, but Nigeria began to get boring. All my siblings had relocated, and it looked like I could get better opportunities abroad.
Fortunately, my husband secured a UK Tier 1 visa endorsement in 2021, which provided the perfect relocation opportunity. Japa wasn’t expensive at all. I don’t have actual figures, but we only had to pay visa fees, IHS fees for healthcare and flight tickets.
I already worked in a Big Four firm, so it was easy for me to apply and get a new job in one of the UK offices. I even got the job before I arrived in the UK.
How has relocation affected your relationship dynamic?
There wasn’t much of a change initially. While in Nigeria, my husband financed most things, and I only assisted with food and small bills. We continued like that when we got here.
My husband earns slightly less than me at £60k annually, though he gets at least £15k/year extra from side hustles. At first, he handled our £1600 monthly rent and major bills. I handled food and minor bills, which was about £800 monthly. But we bought our house early this year and are now splitting bills 50/50 because of monthly mortgage payments.
What’s that like?
We paid a £100k upfront deposit and now pay £1800 monthly as mortgage. That should continue for about 30 years — if we continue living in the house that long. So, every month, my husband and I chip in £900 each.
Actually, we share bills by looking at our total expenses for the month, including transportation, council tax, utility bills and feeding, and then bringing our share. In a typical month, that comes to almost £4k, and we contribute £2k each. We even budget down to date nights and self-care.
I’d like to hear more about the date night budget
Date night is every Friday, and we budget £400 monthly for it. However, we only dress up and go out to a nice restaurant only once or twice a month. I prefer staying in and ordering food. We don’t have kids yet, and as a dual-income couple, we can still afford to treat ourselves every week.
Is there any form of gifting that happens outside your monthly budget?
Of course, but it’s not regular. It depends on how we’re both feeling. If I’m shopping and see a nice shirt, I get it for my husband. He does the same as well. However, I prefer him to tell me what he’d like to buy me so I can give suggestions and make sure it’s to my taste. If not, I have to take anything I see like that.
Haha. I’m curious. What’s the most expensive gift you’ve gotten each other?
My husband got me a car while we were in Nigeria. For me, I honestly can’t remember. I hardly keep records of these things. It’ll probably be one of our yearly overseas trips, and I offered to pay. Or maybe I just gave him money.
You mentioned not having kids yet. Was that planned?
For me, it’s planned. However, when we got married, we agreed to wait for at least a year before bringing in children. Then we relocated and suggested waiting another year to settle into the new country. Then, I got promoted to the level just below manager at work, and we decided to wait for me to become a manager. After that happened last year, we decided to start trying.
But I changed careers this year and am on a six-month probation. I’m wary of taking maternity leave—which can last as long as a year in the UK—while I’m still learning the ropes in a new environment. With the pace I’m currently on, I might move to a senior role next year. So, while my husband is at the point where he wants kids now, I’m not eager yet. Let me rise through the ranks first so I can return to a senior role after taking a childcare break.
Asides going 50/50, what kind of money conversations do you have with your husband?
I’m very conscious about having safety nets, but he’s different. For instance, the deposit we paid on the house was from the two years’ worth of savings I didn’t compromise on. Without that safety net, we wouldn’t have a house today.
I’ve built back a safety net by setting aside six months’ worth of my share of the monthly expenses, and I try to convince my husband to do the same, but he’s more of the spending type. After settling his share of the expenses, he likes to spend whatever he has left.
I’d also like us to start investing, but I’m limited in that regard because of my work. I can’t just invest in any kind of stocks or bonds because they could breach my independence and contribute to a conflict of interest —most of these institutions are my employer’s clients. I’ve had to make do with investing in mutual funds in Nigeria — I have about ₦15m there now — but my main investment goal is real estate. Once I’ve gotten my husband to build a safety net, we can look at more real estate investment options.
Have there been any challenges with the 50/50 approach?
I honestly don’t enjoy it. To be fair, I earn a bit more, but I can’t wait for 50/50 to end.
Oh, there’s a timeframe?
Oh yes. We’ll probably stop next year when one of my husband’s side hustles clicks. I can’t wait.
What’s the ideal financial future for you and your partner?
I’d love to return to Nigeria while still earning in a foreign currency, possibly even more than I currently earn. I’d also like us to have real estate investments and have some financial structure for our future children. I really don’t want so much wealth. I just want to live happily and comfortably. And, of course, my husband needs to have a healthy safety net as soon as he learns to stick to not spending so much.
But why the desire to return to Nigeria?
People don’t get it, but trying to understand how people work here is a lot of stress. I have to do so much code-switching. I just want to work with people I easily understand. I just want to be in a country where I’m comfortable and can earn well without needing to run to a foreign country.
Interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship? If yes, click here.
*Name has been changed for the sake of anonymity.
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