Nigerian old-money folks will never let their genes mix with anyone outside their class. But not if you follow these cracked codes.
First, kickstart an “old-money-ish” career
Social media influencing or UI design might pay more than medicine or law right now, but it’s not just about the money for “generational wealth” families; it’s the prestige. So, better don that periwig and carry stethoscope if you want to impress your boo’s family.
Make sure your surname is also old-money-ish
Braithwaite, Vaughan, Coker, Vivour. Can’t you hear the money?
Make sure to sprinkle in small stories of how your great-grandfather was part of the people who built the early Nigerian rail system. Bonus points if you take an important-sounding compound name. Avoid names like Adeleke, Indimi or Dangote because they’re traceable, and you WILL be caught.
Have no social media presence
You might love dragging people and dropping hot takes on Twitter, but you have to learn to live a quiet life if you want to marry old money. Plus, did you forget you used a fake name? Do you want them to find you?
Dabble into a little gold-digging here and there
You can’t go to your potential in-law’s mansion with your ₦4k Van Cleef or ₦10k wine. You will be found out.
However, no one would suspect your poverty if you offer to take them out to a high-end restaurant to celebrate their dog’s fifth birthday and pay all the bills. How can you afford that? Get a glucose guardian on the side. Think of it as an investment.
You will do small fraud
Of course, you can’t tell your in-laws you attended Kwara State University, so feel free to go international. Before attempting this, make sure to know all the schools every family member went to, so you don’t say “Chicago State University” and they go, “Wow, me too. What was your favourite library?”
Burning Ram is Coming. Sign up to be notified when ticket sales begin.
Learn etiquette like your life depends on it
I know the chicken only hits when you crush all the bones, but trying that at your in-law’s place will have you outside the door faster than you can say, “Up NEPA!” Remember, it’s an investment. No pain, no gain.
Have no shame
You’re not perfect, so you might make a mistake. But no matter how condescending anyone gets, don’t look at their face. Look at your in-laws like you’re looking poverty in the eye.
Don’t be too available
Sleeping over so you can help them sweep or wash cars twice a week doesn’t apply to old money. In fact, they’ll ask your boo if you don’t have anything better to do with your time. Only show face during elaborate family dinners or parties. They’ll be too busy with other guests to ask you deep questions.
Go spiritual
If all these don’t work and the family still doesn’t accept you, feel free to go spiritual. And I don’t mean casting a love spell on your boo. Cast the spell on his family. They’re the most important part of this union, and your boo will do whatever they say or risk losing their inheritance. You’re welcome.
We’re cooking the BIGGEST MEAT FESTIVAL in Nigeria. Here’s all you need to know.
NEXT READ: How to Find a Family That’ll Pay You to Break up With Their Child
