The topic of how young Nigerians navigate romantic relationships with their earnings is a minefield of hot takes. In Love Currency, we get into what relationships across income brackets look like in different cities.
How long have you been with your partner?
We met in 2019 but started dating in 2022. We’ve been together for two years.
What changed between 2019 and 2022?
A lot. Luke had actually shown interest in a romantic relationship since 2019. We met when a bus conductor who owed us change “joined” us and gave us ₦500 to split. Luke was supposed to get ₦300; mine was ₦200.
I joked about him leaving his change for me, and he said he would if I gave him my number. I did, and he started calling regularly, talking about how he fell in love at first sight. But my heart was still with my on-and-off boyfriend at the time, and I was trying to hold on to see if the guy would one day be ready for a committed relationship.
That ended with me getting pregnant and the guy finally running away.
Yikes. Sorry about that
Honestly, I don’t blame anybody. I knew the guy was a goat, but I let emotions get the better of me. The minute I realised I was pregnant, I began mentally preparing myself to be a single mum. I wanted the baby — which didn’t make sense because I was a fresh NYSC graduate with no job. But abortion didn’t come to my mind.
Of course, Luke didn’t know and was calling me up and down. I just stopped picking up his calls and focused on how I’d provide for my child. Thankfully, I lived — I still do — with my supportive parents. They encouraged me to learn fashion design, which I did between 2019 and 2020.
After the lockdown, I converted the front of my parents’ house into a shop and started my business. Clients came in slowly, but I consider myself very creative, and people began to see that too. By 2021, I had a few steady clients. My parents helped look after my child whenever I was busy, and I didn’t feel overwhelmed.
It was around this time that Luke called again. I was surprised to see his call because he’d gotten the message and stopped calling some months back. I picked that day, and he was like, I just came to his mind, and he thought to reach out. That’s how we started talking again. I told him why I stopped picking his calls then, and surprisingly, he didn’t run away. He even wanted to see my child.
Aww. Did that contribute to you finally saying “yes” to a relationship?
It definitely changed how I saw Luke; it increased my respect for him. But he didn’t even talk about a relationship right away. We reconnected and were friends for a few months before love entered the subject.
I didn’t delay my “yes” this time around because I felt he was making an informed decision; he knew about my past and knew my child would always be part of my future. I assumed that, for him to show interest, especially with all he knew about me, he was ready to be a father. It seemed like the cherry on top. This was someone I’d grown to love, and he wanted to be with (all of) me too. I felt like I’d hit the jackpot.
That sounds like the relationship hasn’t been everything you expected
To be fair, Luke has been good to me. Last year, he paid ₦80k for me to do a short fashion design course to add to my knowledge. He’s also friendly with my child and has introduced me to his mother.
The only slight negative is that he doesn’t believe he should be financially responsible for my child, which has led to many arguments.
What kind of arguments?
We fight over me expecting him to be involved with my child’s needs. It’s not that I expect him to take on the entire responsibility. I just expect that he buys a few things for the child once in a while or even contribute something small to the school fees. But he has made it clear that he has no business spending money on my child.
When we first started dating, he visited me at home and brought fruits for my parents. You know children na. My child started jumping, asking, “Uncle, what did you buy for me?” Luke said, “Don’t worry, Grandpa will buy something for you.” When I asked him why he didn’t buy sweets or biscuits, knowing a child was at home, he got offended. He made it seem like we’d just started dating, and I was dictating to him what to do with money.
I accepted that I shouldn’t have asked like that and apologised. But over time, I’ve realised he deliberately doesn’t want to be financially involved. I was broke when my child needed to start school last year and asked him to help me with ₦50k to complete the fees. He was like, “That’s how it starts. Very soon, you’ll expect me to pay school fees.”
I was so angry that I lashed out, and we didn’t talk for two days. Eventually, he apologised but still insisted it was not his place to provide for my child. I asked if that would still be the case if we got married, and he said yes.
Really?
Yes. Though, I didn’t take him seriously. I thought he was just trying to protect himself. We hadn’t really talked about marriage before then, and I guessed it was just him avoiding having to spend on one girlfriend’s child when we might end up breaking up.
But, for a few months now, we’ve started talking about marriage seriously. Luke says he hopes for an early 2025 wedding, and while I’m excited about that, I’m also worried that his stance hasn’t changed. I asked him again if he was serious about me paying for everything related to my child, and he confirmed it because “the child’s real father can come any day.”
That’s a major problem for me. If I marry him and have his own children, he’ll probably treat them better than mine. Or if I can only afford a public school for this child, would my children attend different schools? I’m just confused.
Hmm. What’s Luke’s financial situation?
He’s a lawyer, and I think he earns ₦300k. I’m not sure because it’s been a while since he told me, and I try not to ask, especially because I talk about this issue with my child’s finances. I don’t want it to be like I’m only interested in his money.
What other money conversations do you both have besides your child’s finances?
Luke is quite intentional about financial discipline. He’s always talking about the need to have emergency savings. Because of him, I joined a ₦20k monthly ajo contribution in 2023. I used my share to buy an electric sewing machine. I’m due to collect again next month, and I’ll probably just save it in my savings app till I figure out what to do with it.
I also help Luke make some financial decisions. He talks to me about his needs, and we discuss when to make certain expenses. For instance, he wanted to rent an apartment some months ago because he was tired of sharing his with a roommate. But I encouraged him to wait until the wedding was close so he could get a bigger apartment. And he agreed.
How do you both budget for relationship expenses?
I’m not sure we actually budget. We go on dates at least once a month. Other times, we just stay indoors, and I cook. Luke handles the expenses when we go on dates; I buy the foodstuff to cook when we stay indoors.
We also gift each other on birthdays. For my last birthday, he bought me an Infinix phone, and I bought him a ₦25k pair of shoes.
Have you considered how you’ll handle wedding expenses?
I’m still having second thoughts about whether a wedding will happen. Luke’s financial responsibility for my child is a big issue for me. I’ll still bring it up again with him. If he still refuses, I’ll have to involve our parents and see how it goes from there.
But if the wedding happens, Luke should handle most of the expenses. I’ll probably pay for my outfits and makeup. That’s how we plan to run our home, too. We’ve talked about it, and Luke will handle the major home expenses while I support him.
I hope it works out. What’s your ideal financial future as a couple?
I’d like us to own real estate investments one day. Having a house or land property feels like the pinnacle of financial freedom to me, so I want that for us in the future.
Interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship? If yes, click here.
*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
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