The topic of how young Nigerians navigate romantic relationships with their earnings is a minefield of hot takes. In Love Currency, we get into what relationships across income brackets look like in different cities.
How long have you been with your partner?
Samuel and I have been together for just about a year.
How did you meet him?
We met through a mutual friend. I joined some friends to film the “I’m not the celebrant, I’m the celebrant’s friend” TikTok video trend, and this mutual friend posted the video on her WhatsApp status. Samuel saw me in the video and DM’ed her to ask for my contact. She asked me, and I agreed. He reached out minutes after I gave my permission.
We vibed well for the first couple of days, and then he said he’d like us to be together. I liked that we didn’t have to do a long talking stage. He knew what he wanted and went straight for it. I admired that, so we pretty much started dating.
I should mention that we’d also met physically. He worked close to my house, so we’d arranged to see after work almost immediately after we started talking. It was a pretty smooth transition from the first meet-up to a relationship.
You mentioned work. What were your and Samuel’s financial situations like?
I was fresh out of uni, but fortunately, I learned digital skills while in school, which got me a remote social media gig. I was earning ₦50k/month, which wasn’t really enough to sustain me, but it was something.
Samuel worked two jobs—one as a business development executive and another as a data analyst for a tech company. I knew he earned more than me, but we didn’t discuss his income, so I didn’t know his income bracket.
Tell me about the early days of your relationship
The early days were really sweet. I like going the extra mile for people I care about and buying them stuff, so I did that with Samuel. Three months into our relationship, his birthday came up— we share the same birth month, but mine comes before his—and I was determined to celebrate it.
I’m not even that big on birthdays. In my previous relationship, my ex and I didn’t celebrate each other’s birthdays. But Samuel and I had several conversations, and he made it seem like he planned to go all out for my birthday. I didn’t want to be the person who gets so much on her birthday and gives little in return. So, I furiously gathered money to meet up.
At that point, I’d left that ₦50k job and was interning in a product management role, so I didn’t have a salary. But I still wanted to come through for Samuel.
I reached out to someone to make a customised sweatshirt and cargo shorts for him and paid in instalments. The whole thing cost me ₦30k, which was a lot for a jobless babe.
Wait first. How were you surviving without a salary?
I was just managing. I had no savings and didn’t live with my parents, but my saving grace was my hairdressing skills. Although my income from hairdressing wasn’t regular, I was sure of finding a client at least twice a week. I also had an uncle abroad who occasionally sent me money. That’s how I survived.
Back to the gift: I finished paying the vendor just before my birthday, and I couldn’t even afford to get myself a gift. When my birthday came, Samuel got me a necklace, a pair of earrings, and a bracelet, which all cost less than ₦5k. You might think, “But that’s not bad.” I’m not a jewellery person, and he knew it.
He had hyped up my birthday so much and had asked me several times what I wanted. I even gave him my best friend’s number so she’d help with gift options. He knew I loved perfumes, and he knew I wouldn’t use what he bought. I was so disappointed, but I didn’t complain. If he were intuitive, he’d have known my bland “thank you” lacked excitement, but he didn’t pay attention. That almost ruined my birthday. Thankfully, my uncle called and sent me money to go out.
Funny enough, when Samuel saw the pictures I took of that outing — I went with my friend — he got angry and asked why I didn’t take him instead. I was like, “But it’s not your money na?”
I’m screaming
That’s when I started paying attention to who he was financially and realised he’s actually quite stingy. I grew up with the mindset that it’s okay to share what I have with others without expecting anything in return. But Samuel only spends on people if he has something to gain from them.
I wasn’t even billing him. It could be something as small as asking for ₦5k to sort something out, and he’d be like, “Why should I give you this money? What have you done to deserve it?” I never understood it. Did I have to do anything for him to assist me? Are we in a transactional relationship?
In addition to some other random gifts I gave him, I also assisted him with job interviews and written assessments. So, I didn’t understand his attitude. I stopped asking him for things and decided to hold back financially, too.
Fortunately, my money problems reduced in April 2024. The company I interned at started paying me a ₦100k/month salary. By then, Samuel had lost one of his jobs, and I realised the one he had paid him ₦200k/month. But I didn’t even put my mind on his income because of what I’d come to know about his attitude to money.
I’m curious. Did you tell him about your issues with his habits?
Oh, I did. I brought it up for the first time in June. We had a face-to-face conversation, and I told him I thought he wasn’t doing so much, but he expected a lot from me. He went bonkers and made it sound like I felt entitled to his money.
I wasn’t asking for a monthly salary; I was just trying to communicate that if he loved me, he’d sometimes give me money. He asked, “If I do it, would you even appreciate it?” In my head, I thought, “Bruh, do it first na. Should I thank you in advance?”
He apologised later, but there hasn’t been much improvement. Now he randomly sends me ₦1k – ₦2k, which has been more stifling than when he didn’t give me anything. I can’t ask for anything even if I wanted to because it’s like, shebi he’s giving me money.
One time in August, I had to travel for a job training, and we’d previously talked about going out when I returned. The money I expected from work hadn’t come in yet, and I needed something to tide me over. Samuel received some money from work around that time, so I jokingly asked him to give me money, but he refused.
I suggested he give me part of what he budgeted for our plans so we wouldn’t go out again, but he refused and said I was entitled again. I told him it would have been better if he had offered to loan me the money so I’d know he cared. In the end, he just apologised again.
Hmmm
Another time, I wanted to buy a half-bag of rice and other foodstuffs to keep at home because my mum was visiting. Samuel was my contact with the person selling the foodstuff, so I sent him the money. It was about ₦90k, and it was all the money I had.
Samuel called back and said the price had increased by ₦5k. I asked if he could help me pay the extra ₦5k because I couldn’t afford it. His answer was an outright no. I eventually couldn’t buy that foodstuff. Samuel’s excuse was that, even if he had loaned me, there was a chance I wouldn’t pay back. I’ve only taken a loan from him once and cleared it in full, so I don’t know where that came from.
Would you say his reluctance to part with money negatively affects your relationship?
It does. It definitely puts a strain on our relationship. I’m at a point where I’m seriously reconsidering the relationship. If we eventually get married and our children need things, would I be able to tell them to go meet their father? What if he starts asking them if they deserve things?
Samuel is good in other aspects, and we’re considering marriage, but this might be a dealbreaker. Money is very important. It’s different if he doesn’t have money. But he has it and isn’t willing to part with it. It’ll be a great disservice to me and my future children if I give them a father who isn’t willing to be financially capable or present in their lives.
I’m still waiting because I hope he changes. I’ve tried talking to him about it several times, and I hope he improves. If not, I might have to rethink my choices.
Is there a timeframe for when you want this improvement to happen before you walk out?
Three months. I’ll discuss things with him again this month, and I need to see changes in three months. If not, I walk.
Right. Do you guys do relationship activities like dates, though?
We hardly go on dates, which I don’t really mind because I’m a homebody. But I also like going out occasionally. When we do go out, he mostly pays. Other times, we stay indoors and play games. I don’t budget any amount on relationship expenses in a month because he doesn’t budget anything for me either. If he changes, I can start.
Imagine he changes, what’s your ideal financial future as a couple?
I’d like us to own land one day because I believe in real estate banking. If everything works out, I hope we can do that by next year.
Interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship? If yes, click here.
*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
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