Love Island is the internet’s current obsession. The popular reality show follows contestants who come on an island in search of love and a hefty wad of cash. They meet each other, form “connections”, couple up, uncouple once they feel like that connection has switched to Glo or Spectranet, and re-couple with a quickness. There’s a lot of drama and tears, so typically, I’m into it as well.
I tried to picture what it would look like in Nigeria and I’ve now concluded it’ll never work here. Why?
Which Island?
No, but let’s be real, which Island do they want to host Love Island? Ilashe? La Campagne Tropicana? The mosquitoes that will finish the contestants are still doing press up.
Nigerians will judge anyone in pant and bra
At least on Big Brother Naija, they wear actual clothes once in a while. On Love Island, the girls are constantly in bikinis and the boys in ashewo shorts. This won’t sit well with our Nigerian audience because the show is giving sin and destruction. I can already see all the WhatsApp BC mummies and daddies will share and I’m stressed.
Imagine telling a Nigerian, “Can I pull you in for a chat?”
What do you want to chat to me about? Crypto has refused to rise from the dead and we have grandpas running for president. My dear, there’s nothing to chat about. Nigerians have zero patience for the chitchat Love Island contestants are always looking to have. No, Bisola, I don’t care where your head’s at. Leave me alone.
Nigerians will vote for the brokest person with the saddest sob story
Nigerians love a good grass-to-grace story. The couple that win must’ve had a hard life trekking from Mile 2 to Lekki Phase One with their twin siblings on their back in search of garri. We’ll most likely vote for the guy that was curved by one happening babe, so that when he makes it, she can look on and say, “Had I known?’
If you don’t believe me, think back to Whitemoney and Efe from Big Brother Nigeria.
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One or two of the men will be married with secret twins
If you think Dami is a Yoruba demon, just know that the “demonry” that man is exhibiting has been diluted with Irish beer. You can trust that the men on the Nigerian version of Love Island would have like two or three wives across different geopolitical zones, but still land on the island to spin a thick web of lies.
Nigerian men <<<
Strip tease? Not on Nigerian TV abeg
Stripping on national TV? Who will marry you now that the whole world has seen your nakedness?
Nigerian sun is too hot to be lounging outside anyhow
Imagine trying to play love in Tarkwa Bay under Lagos sun for weeks.
Not even sunscreen with SPF of 250 can save you. While a huge part of Love Island sees the contestants getting cute tans by the pool, our sun will just dash all the contestants sunburn and heat rashes. Vitamin D doesn’t exist in Nigeria, we have vitamin sufferhead.
A little bit of slut-shaming here and there
The guys on the UK show are already slutshaming girls like Tasha for simply showing interest in another guy. Now, imagine a reality show in Nigeria where women not only have their choice of men, but they’re actually allowed to choose and change boyfriends. Nigerian men will lose their shit and call them different names, while doing the same things these girls are doing.
Nigerian government will push to ban the show
Love Island in the same Nigeria where they banned Twitter and almost banned Big Brother and generators (this has nothing to do with anything, but you get the gist). I can already picture Lai Mohammed tying his gele of lies to give a press conference on how Love Island Nigeria is the reason behind increased crime rate, fuel scarcity and the depreciation of the naira.
Re-coupling up and down
Loyalty is one thing that drives Love Island. Contestants go in, couple up and most times do their best to maintain that coupling. But in Nigeria, OYO is everyone’s middle name. Imagine presenting us with all these options and expecting us to stick with one boy or girl from beginning to end. Not possible, dear. Nigerians will switch partners like they’re sharing cutlery.
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